The ego's a bitch!

I am currently looking into some stuff to see if I have any right to benefits here in Austria...I mean, anything that can make my life simpler and more fun, I am open to, no matter where it comes from....I don't mind being taken care of one bit....I have gotten so very good at receiving...

Since a few days ago I feel very strange.....everything feels different, tastes different, breathes different...

My body feels like she is not even mine most of the time, and I am just a mere neutral bystander, a distant observer...as I navigate realities...it's surreal.

I guess, now that I have reclaimed my full multi- and inter-dimensional self, having gone through the whole deprivation & reclusion thing, for re-upbringing/desensitizing, I have now come out the other end somehow...And so...for some reason, all neutral, I am looking into state benefits I was never interested, actually rejected it before as it was simply too much hassle, so I thought/figured, just too many government system hoops to jump through....It's as if the automatic pilot inside has now taken over again, and all I can do is sit back, go with it, and see what happens.....I have no prejudice or judgment towards any of it....I am now somehow anchoring myself in this world in a new way, and it feels totally awkward...and very alone....

I guess this is part of 'honouring all expressions of the truth'....whatever benefits/serves me in each moment, I can now allow in/receive....no matter where it comes from...It probably, as usual, also serves some much deeper purpose I am, at the moment, still unaware of....Next to all that, I am now ready to, for a part, enter back into the world.....I think the total abstinence and reclused living is reaching it's end....It served it's purpose...and now it's time to truly bring into practice what was re-captured....or something like that....It feels plain weird......Because this, again, is all new to me really....I feel so wide open, to everything...feels kind of vulnerable too....As if I am standing here, all alone again, in some strange place/world, not really knowing where I am (going) or what will happen......not sure what to do, just trusting the inner guidance....I simply feel I want/need to give myself some more (financial) space, some new room to live and breathe....Dunno.....the old is dead and gone, that story over....

We'll see.....

I guess partially entering back into the global world also comes with some more 'letting go scenario's'.

yesterday I got like really really tired as well...You know, the kind of deep tired where you just can't keep your eyes open and your body feels so heavy you can't hardly move....The last few days I have been experiencing heart racing, shortness of breath (where now, for the moment breathing is wide open again, with lots of mucus release)...I was cold, then hot and glowing... entering some new territory yet again....dropping off the old waste.

I had a bit of releasing to do about the government help...I am being guided to do so, yet I have had such a rough time within all those systems all my life, jumping through so many hoops, feeling so haunted and locked up by/in them, (they scared the shit outta me really) that I couldn’t help thinking: 'Is this really what we all worked so hard for? Just to go back to where we came from, when we worked so hard to be free of all that stuff? I thought life was going to be so much more magical and bigger than this'...

But I do get it ...This is working with the systems in a totally different way, not coming from a sense of ‘lack’, ‘desperation’, and ‘victim hood’ or ‘dependency’, but from a place of sovereignty towards/with energies/reality, from a certain sovereignty, a virtuosity of interacting/oneness with all worlds. Now, being a graduate, it is time to bring into full practice that which was learnt during the time of boot camp these last 5 years, and navigate life within/amidst all worlds...Time to emerge from within the womb/egg.

I guess this is just a hurdle I need to take....to simply allow in, from each world, that which serves me best at the moment, even if it feels like going back onto paths long left behind and not eager to tread again....Maybe it will only be for a short while... whatever....

I have no judgment towards receiving in this manner, no judgment towards the systems, as they are all (divinely) made from a pure, genuine original intention to help/serve humanity....but I guess I had some tiny preconceived ideas still about how life would/should be after the big transition...It seems it is being pointed out to me this way...We are being brought/broken down all the way.....until we are way down on our knees in complete surrender…

So I am now throwing all of it off, trusting, jumping in, and seeing/being open to where ever it may lead/take me...And, quite honestly, the thought of having a bit of extra money each month, for creative materials and stuff, definitely doesn't put me off, at all, it feels quite good actually....being able to give myself a little more space...allowing myself to be carried, no matter how, in every way...no matter how.

But I still feel totally strange....

Talk about big-time manipulation..... But then...everything is manipulation...We too have all been thoroughly manipulated/ pressured/pushed to do what God wants us to....to let go and let god…

All we can ever do is jump in when something knocks at our door without prejudice...and see where it takes us....God/the divine sure works in mysterious ways.... All creations are totally fine in gods' eyes....All creations are divine and to be used in the best way possible, for all parties involved, each human from his own unique need, service and perspective...be it of low or high vibe...

I don't think it's necessarily about bliss at this stage...it's about total neutrality....totally neutral love and non-prejudice...total openness to truly anything and everything.......Bliss comes afterwards...I think....or hope :)

If you thought you were done letting go, then this is the time/moment of truth…..You will now be made aware where you still have work to do, no matter how tiny or deeply tucked away, it will all be pointed out to you in unmistakable ways.

Let's just jump in....time to jump in without prejudice, fear or hesitation...no matter what we do, we can't ever go wrong.... so...

2 days ago I had to go back to the dentist for follow up treatment, I was in fact very relaxed and not afraid at all....Yet the procedure took a very long time, and before I had been waiting longtime in a fullly packed waiting room (with, among the waiting, one particular old guy that smelled horribly faul and was of very low vibe, in both his ways and speech. He kept staring at me, eager to start a conversation (this happens to me a lot), and dump his load on me, about how crappy and unfair the world was, yet I focussed on the fish in the aquarium in a very decisive clear manner. Although I am always in for a chat, I just didn't feel like it, not this time. He could keep all his crap to himself basically. It was not his smell that put me off, nor his very heavy energy, which clearly showed me what he was all about, I see love in everyone and everything and felt compassion towards him, he appeared very lonely...I simply had no room for him at that moment, dealing with so much already. Most energy transfers take place without speaking, merely by presence. So I am certain he got some of mine anyway.)...The dentist woman kept telling me to relax, keep my tongue relaxed and keep my head down and my mouth wide open, and my tongue relaxed (I couldn't even feel my tongue, it was all dried out, like a rag of dead dry leather)...She kept telling me to relax when she herself was, again, one big chunk of stress!

I guess my calm got on her nerves as well....The ‘sickness’ of this world, people always projecting their own issues onto another....

By the time it was over, I was exhausted, felt totally drained, weak, shaking, shivering and freezing cold, and dizzy as well, ready to end my life right there and then, my body ravenously hungry...There was much more than the obvious/visual going on there today....And in tears, again.....Then the assistant was so kind to tell me I probably need root canal on the other side, on the upper end, as well, as the old fillings need to come out...even though I never had any problems on that side, at all…And then she also told me on the side where this root canal today took place I need some new fillings in other teeth, to replace the old, and so I need another 3 appointments or so, at least....The next one would be coming Thursday morning already....I just feel I don't have enough energy to bounce back again in such a short time....It was simply a to deeply shattering and exhausting experience.

I am worn out, yep, definitely...but I just slept some, showered and then ate some, and let my landlady mail the papers for the government benefits, as I am now in a broken down, worn out state where I don’t care a rats' ass about anything anymore anyway....Which, of course, is what this damn thing was all about anyway....I am relaxed now again as well...more relaxed then I could have been without the pain I had today...Somehow the pain and exhaustion of it helps me to let go en relax. As always, every experience/occurence serves its own (deeper mulit-dimensional) purpose. Much of which we usually only gain an understanding of later. All we can do is go with it, whatever it is.

I now made the intuitive decision not to go back to that dentist woman, Dr. Frankenstein, my energy transfer there is done...At the time I had to go the that dentist woman, I know this for a fact, she needed some of my light, but that is now over and done with.....I am having my teeth fixed completely, whatever it takes, having it al done.....but I just heard I can't go to another dentist right now, as one can only change dentists here every 3 months, and I already went to one dentist this quarter so...I have to either go to Mrs. stress hen, or wait until beginning of April, which is what I will do....Somehow I feel I need to take a break anyways, so it's all in perfect order, as always...

That lady really drilled and poked around in my jaw so roughly, it is not the tooth that's bothering me now, but all the gums she destroyed, everything is kaputt in there, very painful....So...I’ll just relax instead...Woke up with serious flu-like stuff and exhaustion anyways…So who cares....I am letting this go...’til April...

And, not at all unimportant, I decide my reality, and no one else…And I decide what is true for me and what goes and what not, and how I feel about stuff…And so, I intuitively decided I will definitely not need a root canal anymore, no more such brutality in my mouth, ever again. It served its purpose, and I am now done with that experience. Whatever needs healing, my body will heal, that is what she was designed to do. All I will need are the old filling exchanged for new ones, and that will be the end of that. Another lesson learned, another insight gained.

My friend wrote to me about a woman she heard an interview with somewhere, about ascension and said : 'she expected more'...Well, I guess we all did at the beginning...We're all disillusioned kids in a way...expecting sheer magic, fire bolts flying out of our asses....We were also led to expect more, as it served a purpose, of motivation, of finding courage and keeping going, light at the end of the tunnel....

So I guess that's simply what everyone needs to let go of, their expectations...all of them....God is a very down to earth guy...1st one learns to wax on/wax off, like Karate Kid in the old movie, then paint walls, and wash ‘n scrub floors....In the remake of Karate Kid, with that cute Smith-kid in the lead role, he learns to hang up his coat, throw it on the floor, pick it up and hang it up again, and again, and again…and again… It is only much later that it all comes together somehow and we can see....and understand....when we're so bored n tired, and done with it and all we want to do is simply forget about it and stop, give up...as we can't see the point anymore...to any of it....

I must say...right now….I am pretty much there....

Although I didn't/don't really have any expectations left...I was/am so very open to everything and anything, and right here in the now without longing for future stuff anymore, making the best of now...taking it for what it is, accepting it without question, but trust ....

All I did/do was daydream...no real expectations that those dreams would/should actually ever come true....they are/were simply lovely pictures in my head....made me feel good....I have always had daydreams like that, also about the twin...when I was little I used to think up some beautiful story with me playing the head role.....I needed that, it would help me sleep...I always did that....I pretty much stopped only a year or 2 ago...as no dreams would ever come true...and I needed to be right here and in the now...Only sometimes I catch myself doing it still :)

If I wasn't being bothered by all those collective energies, I would be totally fine, my own energy is very stable and balanced.... but the clouds of energies of anguish in the outside world are hard to take/keep clear of at times, especially when energetic shifts are occurring at such a high speed, and one feels energetically pulled at from many sides.....And when one is already exhausted...and the body and spirit are so worn out....batteries dead....

This is the big change-over. I know I am to stabilize all these energies, which aren't mine. Many like myself are serving in this manner, so that the world indeed does not come to an abrupt end. We embody the most intense light, and as such we are the (concrete) pillars that hold everything in place. We all feel pretty much at the end of our strength now though. Only natural. We're in the process now of switching over, which also means others will take over our old tasks, (thank God!) and we get to move on to some, much needed, down time. Others, still fresh and eager, will slowly start taking it from here, being rapidly awakened and prepared for the task.

I think we pioneers all are past the idea now that this is a special and glorious thing to do, all the hurrays and yippees are pretty much dead now huh.... We all landed now....In the beginning one is quite excited to be on the yellow brick road and finally getting the answers sought after ones' whole life...Now, I know I am simply pretty much ready at times to just shoot the wizard, when I can get my hands on him...He hides in the emerald city you know, no one's ever really seen him or knows him...

Superficially I feel I am just so unstable at the moment, one moment I am here, the next there.....I feel that I am hanging on by such a thin tiny thread...Anything that goes unpleasantly now, like a rejection of any kind, or stuff just not working, can send me off the deep end anytime....Even someone only looking at me funny will do the trick already and make me burst into tears.... Stabilizing so many old (collective) fears as well at the moment. Then for a couple of hours I am totally fine again. There is just soooo much switching-over going on right now, changing lanes, intersecting energies, insanely fast spinning revolving doors, where people get sucked in, and get whirled around at very high speed, to be catapulted in new directions, depending on/being selected by they vibe, it's off the charts, crazy! One gets kicked in this direction, another in that direction, there's stuff and debris flying everywhere. From one moment to the next, peoples' lives are shockingly and drastically being changed.

Yet in the deeper levels of my being I am still, neutral, calm and at peace. Talk about schizophrenic!

There is talk about the upcoming March equinox...I have my (re)birthday right after, on April 14th....I feel that will/might be the time of change...until then....I really can't think about any future scenario's anymore....I don't care either really...Right here right now is all I can take, and all I am interested in....

Yes, here's a lot of prejudice going on about what life will be like 'afterwards' ....(I have in fact actually already had a very thorough taste of ‘life after’ last summer...Of course, I wasn't really aware then that this too would, at some point, be subject to more (collective) releasing (of certain contrast) afterwards)….But any prejudice merely creates more separation..... When one cannot be open to any scenario and be completely neutral about all, it just means more limitations to deal with.... This is the last big push, the last huge contraction…then, the child will finally be born…Giving birth is no small matter (especially when you're both the one in labor, ánd the new baby in the process of being born at the same time, while not only giving birth to yourself, but álso dragging along through the birth-canal the whole planet & cosmos in your slip-stream, ánd having pulled this wagon for, in my case 42, years already!), and the child needs to be totally ready to leave the womb, as fully grown, complete, pure, clean, pristine, sovereign and independent being. No old strings left.

We get physically, mentally and emotionally shredded. Sent hrough the shredder, centrifuged so many times over, until we are all rinsed, cleansed and free of anything old. Purge after purge, release after realese, We are squeezed, pounded on, shaken and stirred, into total mush, fluid.

I now feel I have become like water, neutral, flowing to where ever, unknown, sometimes fast and wild, sometimes slow and small, without any resistance or will of my own. Clay in Gods' hands.

No longer caring where I am or going, who I am with (or not), what I eat, what I look like, what is going on....etc.

This is our life, right here, right now...There is no such thing as ascension really...there is only life...here and now....This is what we are now currently doing/experiencing...This is what we all now choose to be doing, all according to our hearts (or for some ego's) guidance, depending on what energies one resides in...We can take our pick...

I think for the USA, Obama too, in the beginning, had such high hopes/expectations/ideals of what he wanted to achieve...I think he too has learned a lot...and that there is a lot of opposition to overcome...The opposition he faces with the conservatives/republicans in the USA, is an exact reflection of the ego's opposition to love/God....It is all one....He too is overcoming the good old ego....and taking all the hurdles that come along with it.

Everything we dreamed of, no matter how far ‘out there’, will definitely be ours to do and experience in times to come, from manifesting the life of our hearts, to walking on water and teleportation etc., (it is not for nothing we so deeply cherish these visions), yet it can only ever come into being when we’re finally, totally, utterly and completely out of the way and in the higher divine and neutral state of being, and no longer ‘suffering' from prejudice about how things like these must/will come about.

When you were a small child, and couldn’t reach the light switch, you also never bothered with how you would one day be able to. Then one fine day all of a sudden you did reach the light switch, much to your own pleasant surprise, and it was not brought about by you bothering with growing up and how, you just simply did, while mastering life. This too is such an experience.

And so we simply drag ourselves from one experience/moment to the next, following the crumbs...

Until next time....and Sweet Dreams.

Love

Me

P.S. right now, I am watching the new series of 'ich bin ein star, holt mich hieraus!' (meaning 'I am a star, get me out of here!') where VIP's/celebs go into a jungle camp and have to do all kinds of difficult tests, like for instance eat weird stuff, like worms and live bugs and stuff, to earn their daily food, and in the end there will be one winner, last year it was Brigitte Nielsen...I like seeing how people can rise above and beyond their own shadow, and how far they can go in going beyond their own limits....of course it's also a lot of psychology, as people tend to go a bit nuts when in such a camp with others (strangers) they must cooperate with, and limited resources....they can't drink (and there's an alcoholic in there) and only a few cigarettes a day they get...Oh well, just something to do/watch :D it is on every day for one hour during the coming 2 weeks...

Wow, just now I got an offical e-mail that states I am in fact a candidate for some special government benefits arrangment....

(added 20-01-2013) Also...After some days (and nights) of excruciating pain, not only in my jaw, but all over (kidneys, stomach, muscles, lungs, head, etc, so severe, as if a rope was being tied around me, so tight I could hardly move or breathe. I felt as if having been run over by some huge locomotive, at least three times. I was actually, for the 1st time, on the verge of calling 911, before I remembered to call on some much needed divine assistance, which I immediately received in the form of instant deep sleep, regardless of pain)...I now reached a new state of being. After this whole ordeal these last few days, I now feel deeply cleansed, surrendered, purified and at peace, having gone through some very tight birth canal for sure! Turbo-healing, of my jaw and stuff, is now occuring. My jaw feels better by the minute, as if ice flows through it. I can actually feel the healing taking place, like tiny, loving, soft, cool fingers gently putting back together that which was so brutally damaged. Warm showers, rest, and short walks in the forest support my peace.

Wow, Just now I had the most spectacular view from my balcony overlooking the mountains. There were 2 planes from WW2, 2 different types, making synchronized loopings and showing all kinds of crazy tricks right above, in front of, and next to my building. The were flying very low, almost down in the street itself, right by my balcony! holy shit, those guys could fly! Don't know where they came from all of a sudden, but they sure gave me a major treat, what a show, how totally exhilirating and free it felt. Up, up and away! Loud too, the deep, low vibration of those old engines, I felt resonating tickles deep inside my belly, the whole builidng shook. Many tanx to you 2 daring guys!

A few years ago all of a sudden a huge and colourful hot air balloon came gently floating through our street, right by my balcony in the summertime evening sunset, I could have actually touched it, and its passengers. It startled me, sudden sounds, like a giant whale gasping for air in the evening orange quiet. It landed right next to my house. Surreal, like the circus coming to town. Is this a free-flying zone, or what?!