Return To Me...

So, here I am again, it’s been a while….The response to the drawing, and few accompanying lines I posted only a few days ago, was so tremendous and enthusiastic, that I felt the need right now to kind of share with you my experiences of these past few months in a nutshell. People seem to be rather curious about it all, and this way I can share with everyone at once, in stead of answering each e-mail in person…sorry, me lazy :D….

…So, I do this by simply copying and pasting some very intimate personal e-mails (they start in April, and end in June) I sent to a very close friend of mine, with whom I share day-to-day ascension bizzo, we’ve been doing this for years now. So if the texts all seem a bit like (incoherent) patchwork, well, that’s because…they are! :D

Hang in there; it’s quite a long story/report, as it entails every bit of emotion and everything I experienced.

“Haven't been online for a while...the weather here was very nice and so I spent my time sleeping and just sitting outside on my balcony in the sun, with a book mostly... I even sunbathed topless last Sunday....just didn't care about the neighbourhood watch...if they don’t like it, they simply should not look....the wind and sun on my weary body was simply divine....

Been doing some minor cleaning and simply organizing......I feel weird lately.... too tired for a lot of cleaning...I don't last long ha-ha...I feel a strange detachment to the whole ascension thing as well.....as if I left it all behind and am in a whole new land now.....(where spelling is very difficult btw :D)

I feel like a whole new me....far away from anything that was before....

It is like being in a virtual reality game....you're body is lying some room someplace keeping itself alive, but the mind and heart is someplace else, in another world already...

I am no longer in that (ascension) loop (I am out of the process); I no longer feel the dark things happening or coming, nor the earthquakes and other ‘disasters’..... But I do weep in release along side..... Many must still pass through the wormholes we long passed through.... and the spin of it makes them go nuts, it is cleansing , spinning of all that old energy...volatile though....

I saw the neighbours and landlady with family....and although I know these people for years, I now feel a funny kind of detachment from all of it...... as if only my body is still here, looking... and I myself am already elsewhere......this is no longer my place to be....I simply have nothing more to ad to this (old) story....I reached the complete ceiling...It is done...nothing interests me anymore either...it is all just a drag....can't watch TV anymore, it is uninteresting and I am too restless

My laptop already had stripes running over its monitor....2 wide ones, and about 3 lines in white, pink and blue...and just now, before my very eyes, a big wide white band appeared, right in my reading-part...so... only some I can see, the rest is eaten up by the big stripe...and another small pink one appeared on the other side as well...Man...this monitor won’t last me much longer I don't think...even my TV has stripes and shimmers running over the monitor, and my CD-player makes funny noises in between the music....This material reality has reached it’s very end, is using up it’s very last bits of life, at it’s finish…falling apart… (Especially electrical equipment suffers with these ever higher/increasing transition-energies….Logical, as they are all run by and function on (oscillating) electrical) wave-movements/light currents… it’s (vibration) what keeps them (material reality) together after all).

I have been dreaming a lot lately as well....the other night I dreamt of being in a house in a street that was being flooded by rain water at daytime, first it was just a bit, then it became a stream....and I had to leave the house, there was someone with me but I dunno who...when I came out of the door I prayed god to keep us safe...and right away, to the right of me, a wall that looked like the yellow plates of beeswax with hexagonal shapes printed in it appeared..... so we could get away....we ran... then after a bit we looked behind us, it was pitch black night time then, and saw the village, which turned out to be village in Holland where I was born, grew up in, and spent most of my life, being flooded by both water and red glowing lava

coming from above (looked like mountains but couldn't have been as my old village has none), steaming, it was like a disaster movie, very impressive images, a strangely gorgeous spectacle....the old world was going under.....

Have had many dreams...flooded by them...

Yes, I had my b'day last Sunday (turned 43, feels more like 4300)...a day like any other day.... except....I feel very different lately...and there's been waves coming in, love waves.... normally there was contrast following the love waves, but that is no longer the case...... I feel wave upon wave of love, takes days...I go up, up, up....a new type of love energy it is...never felt like this before, feels like new life....then I land, meaning going back to 'normal'....

I simply land on some plateau in between waves, land. feel normal, shed some relieving tears, feeling all grateful.....and have very deep breaths, like breathing in forever, expansive.....then I get very tired, exhausted in a very pleasant way, like being on drugs, heavy body...then the next love wave(s) comes in.....I feel floating all the time....moving up....feeling like an empty vessel that is being filled anew, day after day after day…slowly but surely.....can't quite describe it....as if my Love is sinking/coming ever deeper into me….

I just can't do this 'life' anymore....Feel like a caged in tigress for weeks now… I guess....even if now I have to bulldoze my way out of this, I might just do that..... all these years I gave him his space, respecting his decision.....I do think he is still in F., he's just not the kind that packs up and leaves his 'heimat' as he called it....I feel so strongly I must go see him now...I am sending my orders back, and going to use the money to travel to F..... I hope we indeed are at a crossroads....or I will blast me a path straight through.... I’m done.... downloaded the info from the tourist office....I might stay there a night even, or 2....a little holiday, sightseeing, been long time...I might even tell him that I am there and where I am at...what the hell have I got to lose?!....zero...

I thought of this before, and then it felt wrong....but now it no longer does.....and for some reason I never thought of asking the local authorities for his address before, it just never popped up, didn't know it was an option really......Since there is no right or wrong....and I am not feeling anything energetically stopping me, I will just do this thing....I think next week on Friday.... this week I still am getting my period, gonna wait until that is over...so, in about 2 weeks, 7th of June, I plan to go to him....if Moses doesn't come to the mountain, the mountain might as well travel to Moses....

I think I will show myself to him, say hi....I think I just won't be able to stand just looking.... who cares anyway....we'll see.... Maybe him returning to me was just another assumption... maybe I am to go to him....who knows anymore?

F. has a lot of pretty stuff to see, so I won't be bored.... all these great ideas I had for making my own linens and stuff....all good....but they were just me trying to fill an emptiness....when all I really truly want, and ever wanted, was and is to be with him....nothing can ever replace that or fill that ginormous empty void he left....I can change/move the furniture, and change the linens, clothes and everything.....and still that wouldn't make anything right, it wouldn't make anything here fit....it is simply over.....I am done being here like this... I don't care about the money...at all....I simply asked god to support me on this.....if god=love....then god supports me no matter where I go or what my choices are.... And the reunion of my love and I will not be held depending on the formula of the reunion, whether he comes to me or I go to him.....it's all the same...there is no right or wrong....I guess something has been removed in me as well...some blockage, something that held me back....I cannot be held back any longer.... I am no longer bound by human type ideas/reservations about morality and such….I am beyond all moulds…

I guess I am also relying on my vibe, and the impact I know I have on others that come into contact with me.... when he sees me, as I radiate now....well.... I am going without agenda and/or expectations.... but it will be powerful and different...

Isn't everything manipulation after all....?

Since doing that food-thing, you know, the woman bringing me free food every 2 weeks, very often there are things in there that I thought about a few days earlier....like this time it was garlic-mayonnaise and sauer-herringfilets, mmjam :)…Since starting the kefir, now I also get a lot of Activia-yoghurt, which basically contains the same bacteria :D...and I got seedless white grapes....and macaroni...and some Asian ready-meals...and looooooooads of different cheeses...(me Dutch, loves cheese :D)

Well.... the lady from the local authorities mailed me back....yes indeed she found ONE Michael born at that exact date....but his last name is only similar to H, different spelling, same sound.....and so she does not really want to give me his address..... You kidding me?

(I actually had a bit of an anger tantrum after this, for about a day…in that day a baby was found in sewer pipe in China, and much more unloving stuff like that was going on, violence and all, so it was, as always, the energies working, it was not mine…)

Sometimes I think that too...that he waits for me to come to him.....somehow I feel I must impact his life now the way he did mine.....once he lays eyes on me, it will be okay.....he will feel it...I am sure....he always said: 'I could never be mad at you.....'

I know, the feelings were very intense, and scary, for me too....not anymore though, but maybe he simply needs me to feel and face them......I would not reject him for any reason, even if he's mad at me and rejects me, I will still simply love and embrace him.....that is who I am now….he can simply show himself....no matter how....

I trust love....I rely on it.....that's what this whole ordeal was all about after all, right....

I don't think he will text me back....he hasn't for 2,5 years.....he's a very good silent-keeper....

I don't feel any uncertainty either, like I used to when thinking about going to him.....I feel quite neutral en serene now.....my period came through just now, 6 days late.....

I feel careless about everything.....I used to also have some kind of fear about those government instances I needed to see, and that had 'power'....now I had to go see that doctor, and I don't care....may sound calculating, but from my history with psychiatrics and docs I know just what it is they wish to hear to give me the support I need....sometimes I just ‘lie’, and tell them what they want to hear, a form of peaceful manipulation when needed, it's much simpler and enables me to navigate the old world as well......They always believe what they see and hear, the whole illusion, whatever is presented/fed to them, as long as it fits their mould they take it as a reality…I do not judge myself for making things simpler and easier, I am beyond all that, I just go with whatever fits the moment……. and basically I don't care anyways, whether they give me money or not....all the same to me....

Anyway...I feel towards these things the way I felt when moving to Austria all by myself...in Dutch we say : 'de dood of de Gladiolen'......means either I die or win....now or never, all or nothing.....that was my motto when coming to Austria...and that is my motto when going to him.... for some reason it feels okay....when the thought popped up one Sunday afternoon to move to Austria I didn't think about it much, I simply followed, made the arrangements and went...and so it will be/is this time....either I land, or ...not....

Must have been odd for him to read about all my weird experiences during all those years after he left....I don't blame him for not knowing what to say to that...how is ones' response to be when one mentions the love was so intense it made god come out.....?

No matter what happens, I am okay...this is my last ditch effort to finally make things move..... maybe the universe has been waiting for me to break free.....and imagine...when one twin-couple makes it back together....it makes it easier for others to do so as well...when one sheep has crossed the dam....I don’t know....not thinking about it too much...I am very calm...maybe I will be excited next Friday in the taxi...but I hope not....I hope I will be calm and collected.... the easier, the better I like it.....Most part of me is detached....has already let go....whatever happens, I will deal with it....or give up for good, which is fine by me as well after all these long hard years...I am good with that scenario.....nothing to lose....everything to gain....

You know....I caught myself yesterday....my thoughts were leaning more towards anticipating getting rejected than anything else..... when in 'reality' there is nothing signing either way....it is neutral...him never writing me back means no-thing at all.....it is all just appearances, illusions.... whatever I make of it....I guess rejection has been such a big part of my experience on this earth, deep deep down inside I still simply somehow expect to get rejected, I calculate it in..... if it is fear I dunno, don't think so, doesn't feel like it....or maybe this is the last deepest oldest fear I carry that needs to get transmuted this way.....(which only works of course if he were to receive me with open arms....with love.....)

So....if one follows logic, like dr. Spock from Star Trek.....then: 6 yrs ago I wasn't one/in tune with myself, not whole within, I was insecure and rejected myself....never thought I was pretty/good enough, that I was weird, and always figured I’d get rejected.... so...he rejected me as well....he could not embrace me as I did not embrace myself....Now...I am whole within, and fully embraced myself.....so....logically....he must now also embrace me....he basically doesn't have much choice :D

I am much fatter and older then all those yrs ago, I don't look anything near as hot like I did back when....but I am so much more secure, completely secure with myself......I am simply me now, and that's all I can and want to be.....I am not going to go all dressed up or do anything special either to face him, I am simply going as I am....face him...and that's it for me......the rest isn't my bizzo...that's up to him.....

I may not look gorgeous, but I sure feel gorgeous.....full of light....endless flow of love....I radiate love....(and when one feels it, thus radiating/vibrating it, one is also perceived as such by others…it’s magic :D)...that is who I am, and that is how I am going to him.....

oh well....just another leap of faith....been there, done that...it is all the same...he is just a man.....I do not fear this 'fear'....nor his rejection.....it is simply something I must face..... Maybe the last big illusion to break...and go straight for the heart.....

I am not that insecure person anymore, afraid of rejection....I learned to handle rejection very well.....slight disappointment is always there, but still...once one knows where rejection comes from, one can no longer feel pain about it.....I am not afraid anymore....nor ashamed.... yes.... there are billions of factors to consider....if he can't be brave, then I am brave enough for the both of us.....until he fears no more.....once he sees me, it will be okay....the spell of separation will be broken....one way or another.....in the old energy no woman would do this, or they would be held for silly lovesick nutcases or stalkers....but this is different, and I don't care for old-worldly views on things, I simply follow my heart.....my voice......I don't analyse or rationalize.... no rules or judgment....no preconceptions....just go with it....

Society would not be very supportive when an older woman like me goes 'after' a younger guy that is way gorgeous, when she is fat....that is something this world cannot swallow....they think I don't have the right......people think that people as different as he and I are, have no right to love each other....fat does not go with thin, gorgeous and younger does not go with older, in their mind.....ugly has no right to love hansom....hansom no right to love ugly....(I am not saying I am ugly, I am merely saying I do not meet the human standards for 'pretty'...or desirable)

I remember when this process started for me, and I was surfing the net to see if I could find out anything, I landed on the forum of 'the secret', and told my story there, asking if others had the same or similar experiences, I was so confused....and you know what happened? People got nasty and told me to 'leave the boy alone'....telling me I was a sicko.....I guess me going to him is truly breaking yet another taboo....I am brave and secure enough to do so now....I wasn't all those years,...not even last year....but I sure am now....I no longer have any blockage to love.....no reservations whatsoever....nothing holds me back anymore....

yep...we can look like crap....but our energy never does......I think divine energy is also very sexual in nature...if anyone were to really pick up on it, it's the (young) men.....

...so...I am trusting the divine to bring us eye to eye...an then see what happens...

I feel kinda weird...been drawing the cards....nice distraction...Outside is dark grey, the world drowning under liters of heaven-water.... washed clean.... The thought of getting to see him I cannot imagine anything with.....after all these years, I have no true concept of it.....we are not who we were.....I am so much more now....5 days....

yes....concepts....I guess we are beyond concepts now.....free to do things our own way, live our own life, beyond structures.... I have no concept/idea anymore of what life is (supposed) to be (like)…I am a white canvas…Tabula Rasa… I wonder how he will respond......all these memories of us together have been coming back.....I wonder if he is/feels still soft and sweet.....and loving....

I guess the woman from the office warned me to be careful because...well.....from looks he is every woman’s' dream, tall, dark, light eyes, muscular......he must be the best looking guy in F., an every girl must be nuts for him....but I realised it was not just his looks that did it for me.....it was his gentle and simple nature.....I enjoyed the looks, yep, definitely.....but I slept with other good looking men....

Back then he felt less than me because I read books and spoke different languages and stuff....and I felt less than him as I was less good looking........now my all my complexes and fears are gone...and I no longer feel less than....I have nothing to hold me back anymore....I am not who I was before.....

Man...I slept 12 h. last night, I am just so exhausted.....all around there were sirens going off, helicopters flying and cars with flashlights doing their patrols....it has not been raining, it has been pouring and there's been many floodings.....should stop during the night, and tomorrow on Monday the sun should come out again.....haven't seen the sun in ages....

I am too exhausted to do anything....too exhausted to bother with possible scenarios...I simply must go there...and the rest is in gods' hands....

I cannot do this life/existence anymore.....Time to end the long separation..... I guess I will be breaking through yet more barriers....not just emotionally spiritually and mentally...but more physically now....not just within...but also without...through the barricades......last bit...so me....

…also part of the illusion....he is not his appearance.......I think being that good looking can also be a burden....only 4 more days....

I am all packed and ready (I even packed some condoms...not counting on anything, but one never knows either....we were irresistibly all over each other way back when)...laid out the clothes I will be wearing and all...now I am just finishing up the cards.....then start tomorrow I have 3 days to prep my body....if that's even possible....

I am getting slightly excited...and on the other hand I am like: jeez, what am I doing...again me taking the plunge.....when are others finally going to?....when is he? For Pete’s sake.... always me doing the hard work...although this doesn’t really feel hard....I am also looking forward to seeing him, and kinda nervous about it. but not too much....it's just plain strange..... mixed feelings.....yet it also feels like the natural thing to do.... Anyway....it is the last effort I make...I am so done with this game....

Of course...as soon as I get back I will tell you all about it.....

The rain stopped...finally.....I was almost expecting Noah’s arc to come sailing by, hahahaha! Lots of drama in the area though, also in Germany and Tschechien....Nearby a dam broke and a whole village got washed away pretty much, people were evacuated in time though..... Flooding, 9 people drowned.....landslides...you name it...it is actually very convenient I decided to take the taxi....The railways connecting to Bavaria are shut down, destroyed, will take them at least a week to get things up and running again....also conveniently I planned my trip for this Friday, and not earlier...travellers are stuck everywhere.... some roads closed... some areas totally closed off from the outside world by the water.....Fridays’ weather predictions are just lovely, 24 degrees and sunny....perfect....

Strange times these are....

That woman from the local authorities must have felt something inside as well, or she would not have given me his address..... no one does that when they feel someone is just a loony.... she must have felt my sincerity....anyways...the path lays wide open now....so I am just gonna walk...and see where it takes me/us.....Funny idea I might come face to face with him next week...after all this time.....I think god will make sure we get to meet....I feel something.... something good....Oh well...we'll see.... he still lives where he lived 6 yrs ago.......with his parents... they live downstairs, he lives upstairs......I remembered yesterday I saw an H. in the phonebook.... so I looked it up, same address....his dad is called Andreas (not much variety people in Tyrol and Bavaria have concerning names...they are all named the same basically :D)

I dunno....if he read that message (I cannot be entirely sure he still has that cell-phone number...although I am pretty sure he does...)....I can't begin to imagine what he may be thinking/feeling.....panic? :D or maybe slight joy and anticipation as well? Who knows....

I will not ever tell him when I am coming anyway....don't wanna spoil the surprise :D...nor give him the option of fleeing.....again.....I guess this just needs to happen....

....I also said that if for some reason I would not get to see him, I’d give those presents I have been keeping for him to his parents or sister (his sister lives only 1 street further).....kinda nasty, huh? :)

I guess it's just one of those families where nothing out of the ordinary ever happens, they do what most people do, work and stuff, never do anything wilder than go on holiday to Spain, visit some Dorffest and drink beer, and for the rest stay in each others' vicinity forever.....no one daring to go beyond the box.....tough nut to crack for god :)

Last night I was in bed wondering.....he likes living with his folks, have the bread ready on the table for him in the morning.... nothing unexpected happening, safe and predictable.....and then there am I......I hardly ever even vacuum anymore, nothing I do fits the housewife standards, nor am I anything, I am sure, his parents ever imagined for their son.... omg....when I think of it, it is quite hilarious too.....I am so not his mom....the feminine role-model he grew up with and was programmed with..... I break all their rules....and there I go now...shatter his world.... turn it upside-down, one way or another.....and I don't mind it one bit....

Maybe god needs me to do this to make it kick-start to happen.....since I am the system buster.... and because I simply can...I am not held back by any confining ideas or judgments..... maybe I just need to do this for him....to help him.....I am strong and brave enough for it....who else would be? Maybe he just can't do it on his own...the same way I could not begin the ascension process without him.....Maybe he needs to be touched with my love/light.....even if only for a brief moment.....

I was thinking I’ll drop off a little something for Frau Annemarie at the local office when I am in F....as a thank you for giving me his address.... right now...I am having my period...and will retire myself to the good old couch (I have a hole there), eat, and watch some DVD’s..... Outside it's cold and grey again.....funny huh.....getting to just go and see him....just like that.....

Anyway...I made a room reservation for one night, in a Gasthof only one street away from his home....I also decided to spare myself a lot of hassle, with the bus connections kinda sucking here, and so I booked the airport-service, it picks me up at my house, and takes me to the airport in Munich, which just happens to be right next to F., only 4 km.....then I hop on a bus, and voilá, I don’t have to concern myself with making any connections in time, and if I will catch the last bus back home.....I get picked up and taken back home again, easy peasy....costs only 12 Euros more than the train/bus....(and as I later found out, the trains weren’t even running due to the severe destruction caused by the earlier flooding)…and for me that also means I only have to walk 2 streets to my love, and my room....long streets, but no more then about a 10 min walk.....I even laid out and/or packed most of the stuff I need for one night in F. already.....

I all of a sudden remembered how my ex responded to me when I visited him a couple of weeks after we broke up (not at all in bad spirits or anything, no drama, both relieved)....he acted as if we hardly knew each other, and was not happy to see me.... and I lived 5 years under the same roof with him..... he hadn't expected to ever see me again....Men can be such idiots....

yes....less than a week away.....I am all set now, travel's arranged, room's arranged, and my landlady went to the money machine and took out all the money I had for me, 180 Euros....I have not told her or anyone that I am going someplace…bag's almost packed as well....now I am grooming a bit this week, also making one card for him, and one for the sweet lady from the local office, I am giving her a little crystal angel one can hang on a necklace, I had it laying around waiting to give to someone.....

The weather will be much better by then as well, sunny starting Monday (which will give me a chance to get some colour on my skin again)...we had a lot of rain (snow up), and still do, some areas get 200 l. per m2 today.....there have been floodings and landslides.....it's like god opened the gates of heaven and sent the great big flood....There was a very strange and eerie atmosphere hanging here, days of grey and non-stop pouring, sirens going off in the middle of the night, the constant sound of streaming and falling water, I could even hear the river down the street roaring, all wild…Peaceful mountain streams turn into roaring monsters that wipe the whole world clean, devour and re-arrange everything overnight… I asked for nice weather for my journey to F.....and support all the way....

yeah life is set up quite strict here, especially in Tyrol and Bavaria, those are known for their conservatism......Bavaria was tested the least progressive and open-minded Bundesland in Germany....

I think....breaking out can only come about when one simply tries something.....like I did when coming to Austria....I didn't know anything, but just went ahead anyway, on a hunch.... and figured I’d see what happened....I was willing to either die or succeed, both were fine in my book, I just could not continue the life I had, no matter what.....same way I feel now....I just can't go on like this anymore....whatever the outcome may be....

I have no expectations.....but of course....my heart has hopes....and I can't shut that up, no matter what I do.....I have been battling and longing for so very long, a lifetime...there's been gazillions of things going through my mind, different scenarios.... but I silence the noise, and say to myself: I trust love, and I walk with god....and then there's peace....until the next wave of thoughts come in.....but I seem to be settling into it now more and more.....

....all or nothing at all, Geronimo!! Nothing dared, nothing gained....

It all feels.....kinda natural even to be doing this.....it is just that I never thought I would.....I never thought I would be the one going to him......I used to think that was a big no-no, haha..... I guess that too has changed now....no more preconceived ideas about how it is all to come about....maybe I felt this one coming even....these last weeks of feeling him come/ sinking ever deeper into me, and then all the restlessness....So yeah....I guess, when one want to break the mould....one just has to try something.....anything....

I think I too have gotten tired of trying and nothing ever gelling.....but one last try can't hurt.... and if the time's here, whatever we undertake will be supported....maybe I was supposed to go first....again..... We'll see....if something great happens, I will write it on my website.....so others can benefit from it as well.....this just has to be the time....

I don't even feel anything out of the ordinary is going to happen....even though I have not ever been to F. (don't much like cities), and have not laid eyes on my Michael for 6 years... isn't this just insane? I could have never imagined doing this only a month ago....

I guess something inside me just changed very quickly...I felt it building up....felt it coming.... all the restlessness, feeling like a caged in animal...It sure does feel like that water washed away much old stuff....there was a strange feeling I had when it just kept on pouring and pouring incessantly......very very dark grey light....I could hear the river howling, in the night when the sirens went off....odd atmosphere it was.... didn't keep me from sleeping like a log though J

Well...if anything happens with him and me....then life will change in an instant....and after that...well....things will keep flowing I am sure....never be the same again, and this chapter of my life will be closed for good.....done....

I again have been sleeping like a dead person, so exhausted I am, just couldn't get myself outta bed.....feel slight dizziness and overall strange...and distant.....my breeze is very present and very cold right now...moving someplace or other.....feeling faint, weak....my body maybe being prepped for something.....breathing wide open and stuff....

The cards are finished...they look really good even...I will send you a pic soon....have to make one first :D…Today I feel quite restless....as far as I am concerned it had better be Friday already, just wanna get it over with.....butterfly stomach...

We're having a sunny day, and warm...finally, after the great grey flood....gonna sit on my balcony and get me a bit of a tan :D....

The people that handle my benefits wanted me to go to a 'sprechtag' on monday....it would cost me 6 euros in bus fees, which I don't have as it's all going to my F.-trip, and I ain't taking money outta my fund for that....so I wrote them a letter saying I can't make it, no money for the bus..... I am done jumping through old energy hoops anyways....if it means no money, than no money it is...I just don't care..... (no more old energy docs for me…and so they just sent me the form, that otherwise would have been filled out there by the doc., for me to fill in and send back, and that was it…..different and simple approach, same and much simpler effect…staying true to myself and what I will/will not put up with)…

I am kinda nervous , yeah....on the other hand I feel quite certain and calm as well...it's a weird mix.....but the excitement grows.....and I can't help imaging certain scenarios.....like him being overjoyed to see me and stuff....can't help myself.......

I feel I just MUST do this...it is not a matter of wanting or not wanting....it is bigger than me....it's almost as if it is all happening on auto-pilot, making all the arrangements and stuff....... same as when I moved to Austria....it simply took over.....

...My mind can think out all sort of possibilities I immediately try not to think about and push away, whether pleasant or unpleasant... but there's this neutral place inside me, at my core, that is simply calm, steady and sure.....that simply makes me go there....whether some part of me fears it or not....and I am not even sure I fear anything really.....it is simply very weird, after all these years, to just go there.....odd....

I never even saw or visited his space.....where he lives...also the energy of it and all....

...and I don't much like cities, although F. isn't that big....(I had this thought/image where I was walking around lonesome and lost in this strange city.....but same time I don't feel this scenario will happen....it is so strange, every now and then I keep on jumping around with my thoughts, from one scenario to the next, and then this big thing inside me doesn't care, nor fears, nor worries....as if looking at my own mind from a distance, detached.....)

It is simply me jumping in blindfolded again...on nothing but trust...and love in my heart.... That is also how and why I wrote/ texted him regularly during all these long and hard years, telling him all about what was happening to me since he left….I left nothing out….I just had to do this…share it all with him…I never intended for him to ever answer me anything, and he never did…I had no hidden agenda of manipulation….I just needed to tell the story…so that he’d know…I needed that…

yeah...they always want more papers...I don't care...I no longer play by their rules...

I have truly gone deep down, into the deepest depths of my being, the deepest, darkest, lowest abyss…for years and years….and then worked my way back up from there, all the way up to the farthest other side….ascending…above and beyond all….to neutral love…which is neither light nor dark…it is the peaceful harmonious space in between…

god will make it all work out perfectly I am sure....for the both of us....

yes....just one more day.....que sera, sera :D

Isn't it just beyond perfect though that, through my old job at the tourist office, I know the connection to Munich airport so well....and F. being right next to it....? I try not to think too much about anything.....but how does one do that? After longing for years...a lifetime....

Every now and then it dawns on me what I am about to do....and I think: I must be insane to be doing this....

I keep taking stuff outta my bag, and put other stuff in...don't wanna take too much stuff with me, as i must carry it all, wanna travel very light....but then I think: what if the weather gets cold, and yadayadayada.....

I am calm....yet also....restless....slept like a baby though....hope to do so again tonight...

I looked in the mirror today at all the wrinkles, and how I am not anything like I was back when.....and all I can think is: I am not this body, I am so much bigger than this......and since I cannot change the appearances, I have peace with it all....this is what I am ...for now anyway.... let's see he if he is strong enough to see through the illusion, and look with his heart....feel the love......

Everything feels totally surreal....

Last night I caught myself thinking: so when one finally has the man in ones' life, then what does one do with him? how does one have a relationship?....it is as if I have become a total blank, complete white out.......I honestly have no clue how to have a life, on planet earth, with a man (or kids).....I see nothing, I feel no connection to anything....like floating in space.....

I feel so odd.....

I think life is about to be turned upside down and inside out...topsy turvy... yes....I feel it has all gotten wiped clean....so now...I can go there with a clean slate....without any pre-conceptions about anything..... without any expectation of how it is to be....

What I cannot do anymore though, is be with someone that does not open up, does not share, that has under cooled responses instead of showing his true face and feelings....I cannot do the guy that keeps quiet about everything......that cannot show how he feels and be all wild and crazy and madly openly in love and stuff....that is ashamed of himself....I need it to flow.....no holding back of any kind....

But it will be a natural thing, I am sure....or it wouldn't feel right....like it does, in a strange kinda way....

All these years the idea of going to him felt wrong...now all of a sudden it feels right.....no more blocks....all free and clear....

I don't recognise myself either in the mirror...at all....and I too think the reunion with our love brings in the physical change for us....

all I can think is: well, this is simply how it is.....love me, or leave me....

...he can see me as I am.....naked......without any layers of ego-garbage-programming between us from my side....as I am....no hiding....no resisting.....no fear....no running....no attempting to make myself look any better/different than I am..... yes...it is much much bigger than us.....I am being directed like some robot.....like someone on truth-serum...you just can't help but do as your instructed to....even if my personality finds it totally insane....and struggles and toils with it a bit....I am like a fish on a hook....

I remember the energy being over the top intense with my love and I as well...and I am feeling the energy getting more and more intense now too, by the minute....sometimes hard to breathe or eat, can’t hardly get anything down my throat......tomorrow morning I will be eating some yoghurt, that practically slides down all by itself......I pray for peace and calm......don't wanna be like one of those crazy hyper Duracell-rabbits, hahaha...omg...

I was thinking about telling him when I was coming, so he could choose whether to be there or not....but I guess i just won't do anything...and leave it in gods' hands....I have let go completely.....I am just going....and letting god guide my steps...and see where it takes me.....in trust...I could even close my eyes and walk blind....

This is just.....insane.....it's the most bizarre thing I ever did....the whole ascension is nothing compared to this.....

I can't allow myself to think about a happy reunion....it is just too much when it turns out differently....and also if it does happen, it is just too much...I just don't wanna think anything.....

Strangely enough there is also a sense of peace about this....deep down in my core....

I am simply being drawn there like a magnet......no resistance possible......not about can or can't....it is simply must....have to...

omg...just got a text that the airport shuttle is picking me up at 6.45 h. !! I thought they'd pick me up at 8 o'clock or something.... fuck, that's so early! I’ll have to get up at 6!!!...guess I’ll have to go to bed early then huh....Man...gonna be a very long day tomorrow....with all the excitement...I am gonna be so dead in the evening...wonder where I’ll be in the evening......

I hope I will be relaxed, calm and present....I am going through so much right now....yet also....not....

There's no point in thinking about things I have no control over, nor wish to control either....it is all up in the air....only god knows where it will all land....all I can do is let go...and so I do....and do...and do...and again.....

Letting myself fall again...blind....

if I am being picked up that early...well...then it must be the perfect time for it..... you know... I can't help it....I hope tomorrow evening I will be laying warm and cosy in his bed, in his arms....in his space....instead of all alone in some impersonal pension bedroom...I think this idea is what keeps me going right now.....just a little fantasy.....yet also a possibility..... as everything is possible....

I didn't tell him when I was coming....but I did tell him of my jitters, my little petty fears.....

As always...it is me breaking through everything.....

Would be nice if for a change he was the one bringing all the effort......I am so tired after all these years....this is truly the last bit for me....I haven't got any more of this left in me.... I always told him everything....all those years....everything....I left nothing out....

I don’t feel it will turn out to be a drama.....but as you said, I guess I must go through all this now, so that when the time comes....well...I’ll be too tried to care basically...I will have let go....and either way will be fine....I will be out of the way....I hope :)

So...we'll see...I have to turn off the pc now...looks like a severe thunderstorm is heading our way....blah....

it passed...

I just took a long shower, washed my hair, shaved bits here and there, and took a facial mask... and now I smell all good, and am relaxed, and ready to go.....for now anyway....I am all set, just need to eat a sandwich, brush my teeth and sleep....and then....showtime....

you know...I just remembered how I quit my job on nothing but an inner urge, I took a leap of faith....and see where I am now.....so....I am just following the urge...is all I can do....I think about how he and I were together....I remember his energy, his heart...and that's what I am going on....I trust him and me....I trust me...and him, his heart...and us.....

…wish me luck...although we both know luck has nothing to do with it really :D

So, below is the story of the journey itself, as I wrote it to my dear friend:

“okay, here goes....:

So....I hardly slept a wink the night before the Great Journey.....only about 4 hours of shut eye....I had only just fallen asleep, and then the alarm went off already.....at 6 am I stumbled outta bed totally drowsy and disoriented....took me a while to get with it.....then I had a short moment, of maybe 10 minutes, where i went totally nervous, shaking and heart palpitations..... I spoke to myself, soothing, and said: "give me peace and calm, give me peace and calm...." ....and it came....I ate my yoghurt...and there was the airport shuttle at 6.45 am....I was calm as a whistle...

All the journey I was calm.....in the taxi and thereafter....at the airport before getting on the bus I was waiting at the bus station and got talking to a woman about my age or a bit older that was also waiting....she told me all about herself and her Tunisian husband, she had just gotten back from a trip to see his family in Tunisia.....it was a very nice conversation, nice open woman too....she told me how they met and everything....how it was meant to be.... beautiful story.....

So there I went on the bus.....as I was very much sucking up everything I saw, the whole landscape and everything. I was actually getting quite cheery, in good spirits.....I found it one big adventure.....finally go see where he lives, his city....I found myself pretty brave as well, me, the quiet peace loving country mountain girl, daring to go to the big city....for love :D

It is a pretty city.....looks pretty tidy and colourful for a city....yet still...it is a city....and loud, and smelly with car fumes.....and no one greets each other or sees each other in the eye...they all ignore each other best they can....unless you go up to them and ask something....like I did, I asked for directions...I had a map but wanted to make sure I was going in the right direction.... it was quite sunny and hot and I really didn't want to go the wrong way and then walk all the way back....

It was a longer walk than I had figured....but I also knew the map always makes things look smaller, so i was prepared......I took the scenic route, along the river Isar, so I didn't have to walk amidst all that traffic, there was a path there for people walking their dogs....it went right behind along his street....the river runs almost right behind his house, must be 100 metres away or something......all along his street is the river......parallel......

The path was green and I could hear birds and walked passed some sports/tennis field.....glad I could walk in the green....but I was hot and sweating....

When I arrived in his street, I also chatted with a guy with a nice dog, that even offered to drive me in his car to the address....but I decided I’d walk...i am sure he meant well....but I wanted to go the distance...walk....

Then, there it was....I was pretty tired, and everything hurt....I think I walked for half an hour or so, maybe a bit longer......I had made some false move when I got off the bus, so my bad knee kinda twisted in the wrong direction and hurt.....also my hips and joints were shot.... wasn't used to walking that much anymore.....

his street was okay....but it was a busy main road.....cars and busses passing all the time.... there were houses/buildings packed on both sides, mostly apartment buildings, not huge ones, but with like maybe 6 to 10 apartments in them, people living on top of each other..... small gardens, if any, and although enough green around, and I could hear birds in the trees, as indeed there are trees and some nature behind his house along the river, it made quite a 'full' impression on me....there was little no free space....no free clear open views... there were people everywhere, and houses/buildings.....

Then I arrived at his house.....I must say building......it was a sobering experience for me.....

It was an apartment building as well (I took pictures with my cell phone)....it looked like 2 attached houses, one a bit behind the other and more to the back....he lived in the former one.... on the ground floor lived a young (Russian or Slovakian) family, one could see from the kids' stuff in the petite grassy area.....music came out of a window on the ground floor....a car was parked in the drive way with the number 555 on it's license plate (all the journey I was being bombarded with numbers like that....777, 9999, 888 etc.)

So....that family lived downstairs......his parents lived on the first floor...and then there was another bell, without a name next to it, on the top floor....I guess that must be him.....the place looked a bit....well.....dunno....shabby....but...it's a city, things look different there....the 2nd house, that was more to the back also harboured about 3 'Russian' families, looking at the names....

I stood across the street at first; taking it all in.....then I went up to the door and rang the doorbell... I was calm and collect.....

I think part of me must have known......he wasn't there.... no one opened, I rang twice....it must have been about 10 o'clock or so, maybe 10.15 when I arrived there...

Then I walked around the house to the street around the corner, I wanted to look at it from all angles.....I sat myself down on the sidewalk for a bit, started writing him a note....and looked at that bit dirty narrow balcony that was obviously his parents place....(some older guy even came up to me and asked if i was doing a traffic count for the local authorities haha)...there were cars with text on them saying "we say no to the 3rd airport runway!"

I took it all in.....then I got up, after about 15 minutes, and walked to the front door again, around the corner.....I sat myself down on the step in front of the front door.....and finished writing the note.....the funny thing is, I wasn’t even disappointed or anything.....I hadn't had any expectations so.....there was no disappointment....

Then the young woman from the ground floor apartment came outside and got something from the car, as she came back I asked her if she knew Mich, she said no, then I said 'H.' and she said 'ah, yes, but I think they went on holiday, I haven't seen them in about a week...'

I guess they just don't do first names bases over there.....

So I was like, okay....holiday....figures....not going to get to see him.....fine....so I asked the young woman if she could maybe give the little bag I carried to those H’s when they came back, there were some items in there I had been keeping for him for ages, and my self-made card of course.....I put my note in there as well, don't even remember what I wrote, and gave her the little bag, she said she'd hang I on their door......fine...

So then I walked to my guesthouse, it wasn't that far, another 10 minutes, only one street away......things started sinking in....

I checked in, got to my room, took a shower, as I had been sweating like crazy, and put on my pyjamas....I was beat.....turned on the TV, it was about 13.00 h. by then.....thoughts tumbling through my mind….Felt quite alone and empty, and a strange mood came over me...but I was too tired, so took a nap first, couldn't keep my eyes open....woke up at 16.00 h..... Bad mattress, with a hole in the middle, I kept rolling into...but when you're that tired, it really doesn't matter.....

When I woke up I lay there with thoughts running through my mind....I can't quite describe the mood I was in...and it also felt as if someone else was thinking all these things....there was a part of me that was a bit emotional, yet also a part that was stone cold....

I kept thinking about that street and that house....how he lived....and I just could not feel or see any connection between the building and him.....I never thought he would be living like that..... how can such a big lovely guy live in such a small space.....? I saw nothing of him in those surroundings.....I just couldn't find him in there....there were so many impressions flooding me.... I felt disconnected, distant....cold....

But it was very clear to me that that is where he comes from....it all of a sudden became totally clear to me, it dawned on me, where he came from......how he lives and was raised.... people there just expect to be in small spaces, living on top of each other, it's a city....people there don't expect more from life than an apartment with enough room to live, no garden, to work, eat, sleep, and then spend their free time in some biergarten or with friends, going out, and once or twice a year go on holiday.....no close connections with neighbours much....

It made such a narrow and limiting impression on me......

You know....he was such a 'gemütlich' guy.....I did not see anything gemütlich (you can look up the German word in google translate :D) there ....at all....

This mood I was in kept on saying in my head: "no way is he ever going to snap out of that, he was born and raised that way, in that mold, he will never be able to break out of that narrowness....... there is no necessity for him to do so either, there is no reason why he would break with those old and comfortable well known patterns he was raised in...he will marry a woman like his mum, and will be like his dad...and that will be his life....he has never even asked himself who he is, what he wants and needs.....this is simply what he got impregnated with, and that's it.....there is no breaking out of the mould there whatsoever....and I am totally unfitting....unsuitable for him...."

I am this free spirit, that draws in bright colours, from scratch, that's imaginative and open-minded and free thinking.....and he lives in an almost greyish building, with little space, and a life that is already all clear cut......I wish you good luck god with trying to make that one happen....

I just did not see it....I could not see how this will ever come about....this is the most unlikely reunion ever to happen.....

Many many thoughts like that raced through my mind....I was in such a weird state....not even emotional or depressed...and if tears filled my eyes, and I started feeling bad, I pushed it away, I just didn't want to go there, not there and then, I figured if i needed to crash I’d do so at home, in my own safe environment, it would have to wait.....

So....I got up, went into the biergarten (basically just a terrace, where one can drink something), and asked the waitress for some paper and an envelope.....I needed to write...writing keeps me sane.....brings clarity….helps me work though it….

I started writing him a letter...and I wrote and wrote for hours...dunno what I wrote anymore, but I just let it all flow and come out, i just couldn’t stop...maybe it was a sad letter, or maybe not, I am not sure...I just wrote it all off me, and away......I wrote 5,5 sides of A4, small handwriting I have, so lots of text....I sat there from 16.30 to 21 50 h.....and wrote.... everything I felt and thought, also about my surroundings right there, what was going on around me....I sat under a big old chestnut tree, in the shade, way in the back of the biergarten where I had some privacy...it wasn’t very busy there, mostly older guys that drank beer and smoked cigarettes and looked and me with watery eyes....

...People were all the time paying attention to me, where I was totally into my writing, the waitress asked me what and why I was writing, and kept asking me to show me how much I already wrote......I noticed the outside world, but i didn't much pay attention....there was busy traffic driving by, the church across the street rang it's bells every 15 minutes, there was talking around, sometimes a car with loud music driving by, faint children’s' voices playing in the street someplace.....as I wrote...people came in to eat, some young couple that spoke English, in love.....and I wrote it all down....

Then the sun went down, then it grew darker, and colder, the little lights were switched on.....and I 'finished' my letter and went to my room....I had also eaten some spaghetti with a salad and drank some big glasses cola and mineral water in between.....

In my room turned on the tv, watched a movie I had already seen before.....tired...

In a spur of the moment thing I remembered i actually had some of my newly made 'portrait-photo's' with me in my wallet, had to make those for some recent paperwork....so I took out 2, one in black and white and one in colour, and attached them to the letter......even did the corniest thing and sprayed some perfume on the letter 'Beyond Paradise' by Estee Lauder..... dunno why, just seemed like a good idea at the time....

Then I went to sleep....didn't sleep much, strange bed, strange room and surroundings.....got up at 8, got ready, had breakfast, checked out, walked to his address again and threw the letter in the mailbox that said 'H.r'....just wanted to get outta there ASAP....walked the long way back to the train station and bus stop....got on the bus, went to the airport, asked the shuttle service if it was possible to drive me back home earlier than planned, I arrived there at about 11, and they were able to take me home at 15.00 h....instead of the planned 20.00 h....so that was fine by me, I bought myself a sandwich and some water, sat myself down somewhere and read my book until it was time....

...The driver wanted me to come sit next to him, he thought it 'gemütlich' also some Bulgarian guy or something...it was fine with me, Didn't feel like talking much, but also didn't care much, he was okay, and in the front of the Van one has a lot of room so....I chatted some with him...was okay....

When my thoughts wandered off during the ride, and my eyes filled with tears (I guess a small part of me had hoped to see him or something), I pushed them away......i was very very tired....and felt down.....or not....dunno...just felt plain weird....cold...detached....hard...

I really could not, for the life of me, see any possibility for him and me to ever come together again....I just kept on thinking 'this ain't never gonna happen'...

I got home, felt almost floating, very dizzy and tired, so I took care of business, resisted the urge to just go lie down and sleep and forget...I put my things away, then took a long shower, and washed it all away.....

Coming home in my peaceful environment after all that business and noise was such a blessing.... I experienced a new sense of appreciation for my apartment and space...compared to him, I have such a lovely space, with nature and peace surrounding me.....

...I washed it all away in the shower, down the drain, the whole funny mood and teariness, the whole discord and disconnection.....I came out of that shower a new person....

Then a huge thunderstorm broke lose, not over here but just a few miles away, loud.....had I been on the taxi that left the airport at 20.00 h. I would have been caught right in the middle of all that violence...now I was home at about 17.00 h . already...

Watched a movie on my laptop....and then I got to think.....of course the inside of his apartment may be much less shabby and much more gemütlich an cosy then the outside, .....but, I dunno, I cannot imagine there being anything out of the ordinary in there, no artwork on the walls, except maybe some serially made reproduction....i could tell from the boring curtains they had, you know, the kind that hang half way the window to keep curious looks out, that it was all just standard and quite boring....to me anyway....it is not judgement, just neutral observation.....

So...last night I decided I will draw him something really colourful and unique to hang up on his wall....not just something to remember me by, but also, maybe, bring something out of the ordinary into that space.....a gift from me to him, form my heart to his (hopefully), I will send it to him by postal mail....instead of texting him anymore, this is what I will do...

I realised how going there was absolutely the right thing to do....I see why I had to go there and see all that....the river Isar is one big energy stream, and energy line he lives on/by....I worked through a lot while I made this journey, most of it I don't even quite understand.... yesterday while travelling back home I felt totally beat and dead, lost.....after getting home an showering I immediately found my bearings back....something in that journey and city brought it all about.....some blockage was cleared....dunno if it was his or mine really.....

The road to Munich/F. is on one big ley-line, did you know that? It even runs all the way to Holland, to where I used to live....in one big line.....

And anyway....I left something of myself there....the bag of goodies I brought him, the self-made card, the letter and the pictures of me…and my energy…of love… (funny, as I looked at those pics yesterday I found them pretty bad, some old fat woman staring back at me....when I look at them now I see a rather sweet face actually).....I think, when true love still resides inside him somewhere as it did back then, he will look at that picture and see the most beautiful loving face ever...)...I left something very real, physical and tangible behind.....I am no longer a mirage to him now....I came into his space, and revealed myself, showed myself....

....I brought my own energy into his space....I see how we were not supposed to meet.....I see how I needed to see all of that....maybe I removed a energetic blockage in the place where he lives? maybe I opened it up?...I mean, I even sat my ass down on the pavement for 15 minutes or more....for god's sake...

anyway...it is funny the effect it had....I enjoy my space again here now....and I am also feeling inspired to draw again....and make it work and enjoy it to the best of my ability.... before I had been all dead in the water....didn’t feel like anything anymore, felt locked in....now I see I can at least attempt to enjoy myself, make it work, even if he is not here....now I also know more about him, he is closer to me now that I saw where and how he lives, I never knew before, had no clue.....it was invisible....unknown....all I knew was him, in my space and memory, not anything else of his I ever saw....."

This is what I wrote later (after things sunk in and had become all clear), in reply to someone I recently got into contact with online, over some Kefir grains I seeked and he gave away….We started writing on a regular basis, and what do you know….(much later) I found out he is in fact ascending, yet was unaware of it….the things he said and experienced made it very clear though, so I could help him make sense of it all….god brings matching people together in most funny and unexpected ways….

"Hey, in case you didn't notice yet...I am very talkative :)

It was not the kind of experience on has to learn from....from which one gains insight...

I was driven to go there, the same way I was driven 6 years ago to just quit my job here, without having any clue how I would survive...it was a leap of faith....I felt the urge to do so, and I just did, without trying to rationalise it away....

this way I simply faced the fears every human has, about his existence, survival...I had to face it to learn it was okay no matter what...the divine has always taken care of me....one only learns such a thing when one is willing to undergo it all.....to trust...

Like manna from heaven I am always provided for...this goes for every human being, yet they do not know it...and with their fearful thoughts they are blocking the flow of all good things from coming to them....they always want to be in control, or else they fear....I let go of all controls 6 years ago...even earlier than that but in a different way.....I quit my job to see what would happen....I let myself fall backwards without looking if there was anyone catching me.....I clearly saw that image in my head when I quit my job....and I saw hands catching me...

This journey to his home was another occasion where I just simply had to follow the urge/ voice... I think some part of me knew he would not be there, as I was totally calm and collected...he was on holiday :)

Anyway....part of my 'purpose' for the earth is that I transmute energies....for the collective....I take energies into my body, I basically suck them up out of the earth (and humans), like a vacuum cleaner, as all energies of all humans that ever lived are stored inside the earths' energy/ley lines....energy stores in human cells...

That is why there is dis-ease on this earth and in humans....because the human thought patterns are basically out of balance, they go against the divine flow of love, trust and abundance....humans always fear lack, pain etc...They also reject themselves, think they are not good and pretty enough etc...harmonious thoughts like love and trust and joy (also very much towards Self) are healing and balanced....human thoughts create....free will lets them create whatever it is they want, if they are fearful, they will experience of all their fears, or they experience of love and abundance, when one supports oneself with thoughts of that nature........

It may sound weird to you....but I am a very highly sensitive...which is why I suffered so much on this planet....the heaviness in energy was unbearable for me...as I took it all inside my body, yet was not aware of it....I stored all these energies, all these 'codes' of human discord...to later bring them up again and transmute them into love....which I then brought into the earth..... as I cleansed my mind and body, i also cleansed the earth in the process, and many others alongside me....it was a very difficult and horribly painful process....my service to humanity....

It is all on my website...

My awakening started when my Love left me, 6 years ago...that experience totally broke me wide open, and got all the wisdom out....I was one big open wound from which everything started to bleed out....I remembered…

The separation of him and me represents the separation inside the human heart, where male and female energies got separated long time ago....where humans began to think they (the physical/masculine) were separated from god (the spiritual/ unseen/feminine)...from there on they sought god/the divine outside of themselves...started worshipping 'idols' ...material objects, rituals and such...

I could not have awoken without him....he broke me open....the love and intensity of us....to have him leave me was the most horrible pain....I am 15 years older than him....which he found a problem....but that was only the superficial reason, the illusion... the truth lay much deeper....I had to start my 'job'....

Anyway....the reason I was called to go to his city, his house (and I am definitely not a city girl, too loud and smelly and hectic for me...), where I had never been before, was because I had to remove an energetic block there....of course I did not know that when I set off on my trip....I never know why i am sent/urged someplace...I just go with it...like with our Kefir :)

So...as I arrived at his house...I started feeling very....blocked...limited....normally I am one that feels like everything is possible, and am a free spirit....over there with all that noise around me and sitting on his doorstep I felt the limitation of that area....it was closed off, the energy was...well....a very rigid pattern....the pre-set mould in which people live there....they do not look each other in the eye, ignore one another and do not greet each other....(where I live we all look each other in the eye and greet, even if we do not know each other, it is custom to acknowledge the others' presence....)

It was a very old conservative (religious) area and energy.....but then Bavaria is the most conservative region in Germany....as is Tyrol where I live....(not for nothing was I sent here, among other reasons...as usual things are multi-dimensional)...

So...I started feeling rather sad....locked in, no possibilities....I totally understood where he came from now, and why he was so limited in his views back then....his ideas about older women with younger men....he was brought up in a closed off energy....

All these years before I did not know his address, where he lived...not even his correct last name as it was spelled wrong.....I was not supposed to know, i was meant to keep away....

Recently that door swung open, and I got his (correct last) name and address....green light....

That block and unpleasantness kept hanging inside of me for the remainder of my stay there in his city, I spent one night there....it felt hard, tough, rigid, unmovable....all of a sudden, although I know he and I will be together someday, to bring the physical reality of male and female back into balance again as well, (as within so without), I could no longer see any of that happening, i could not see any connection between the place where he lived and him, nor how he was connected to me, all I thought was: this is never going to happen, the most unlikely reunion ever to take place (and I never doubted it ever before).....

...The road home was a bit difficult as I was very tired...but since I am now a veteran, I know how not to let myself get dragged into these energies, as they are not mine.....so I pushed them away and steered my thoughts in more pleasant directions.....

After I got home I took a shower, and washed it all down the drain...and felt all cleansed and peaceful...

So...I obviously went there to remove a blockage from the area, for him, to help him set himself free...and in doing that I also removed some block within, as now I am actively drawing again and stuff, and I had been blocked and inactive for months....

I never know beforehand why and what....but I always know after the event :D

So...that's the story...in nutshell...

I am now drawing him something pretty, to hang on his wall...something out of the ordinary pattern....gonna send it to him by mail...bring some colour and possibilities into his life :D"

And this is the aftermath as I reported it to my dear friend:

Man...I never knew there were so many various degrees of TIRED... I go to bed exhausted, and wake up exhausted, spend my day exhausted, and go to bed again...still exhausted.... From tired, to weary, to worn out, to knackered, to exhausted, to total loss....etc....

This morning I really had to kick myself to get up...so tired I could have slept for ages still....

The drawing I am making for my love drives me for the moment....keeps me busy a good few hours a day....maybe 6 to 8 h....making me totally empty and exhausted again...

I hardly notice the day or place I am in.....and I hardly hear any sound either....sounds sound far away, like an echo...like when right before falling asleep, when you're dozing of...that's what sound is like for me right now, all the time....far away...like coming through a tube.... been like that for some days now... I concur...everything feels plain weird.... I feel so strange.... like....dunno...I am different somehow...and everything feels changed, yet still looks the same....like schizophrenic....

I am a total blank...

I could sure use a month or so of running around butt naked on some divine Greek island someplace…or something like that….. eat lots of Mediterranean food (fish and salads and stuff) and heaps of sunbathing, just laying around, and salt water swimming… wind, warmth, waves on my skin…with my love, also lots of sex…love-making…get massages…. ah…how divine that would be…lovely…

I guess certain things keep us bound/occupied until it is time.....just like my government benefits....it's been 6 months since my application.....must be about time for it to come through now, after the solstice....then things will shift…it is called 'eine Wende' for a reason you know.....”Die Sachen/das Leben werd(en) ein Wende nehmen”..... nach der Sonne-wende….. at least... that's how I feel it may be....It is the usual ‘normal’...we are being given the run-around, like me with the benefits, we're (kept) in a (repetitive) loop...nothing's suppose to work/flow yet...we're on re-runs :D

6 yrs. ago he felt almost kind of intimidated by me speaking 4 languages and reading books and all that.....he felt kinda less than me....he said : "you must think you have some kind of idiot sitting on your couch huh?".....'ein Depp' is what he called himself....

I always thought much higher of him than he did himself....

And now...I also think higher of me....things are different now...

I guess I (we) simply had to lose all concepts and ideas of/about each other in order to be able to come together all new, clean, clear and free...I no longer know who he is, I have no concept of him anymore...(both) our slates had to be wiped totally clean, through the time of separation, and the process I underwent....I can no longer 'feel' or 'see' him, we are different now, and not yet connected in the new 'time and capacity'...he is gone to me...the one I knew, or thought I knew...

Sometimes I think his world and mine are light-years away from each other, almost impossible to bridge..... But then, yesterday I thought, maybe he changed some as well... maybe he is closer to my world than I am aware of.....

And...I guess God just wanted our worlds to be as far apart as possible, energetically, as thus our/the reunion (of heaven and earth) will be all the more powerful, when 2 such ‘opposing’ energies harmonize/ heal/ melt together….I guess this too is expressed by/in my drawing. That is what the ascension was/is all about after all…

Haha.. .spelling sucks in higher dimensions, there is no order of first and last there, it is all there simultaneously :D

Can you believe it, 37 degrees Celsius (drawing in a heat wave is a whole other experience altogether, materials behave differently), and the farmer just sprayed his cow-shit outside on the meadow.....there isn’t even going to be any rain until tomorrow evening, it will be another boiling hot day, and everyone has to sit in his shit ‘n flies...Not me though...I had a great day, finished the drawing....put on the ventilator, I have big standing one, turned on my gypsy Spanish fiesta music, very befitting of such hot weather.....and I had a ball! Like being on holiday...almost :)...not easy though, trying to draw and shake your ass in dance at the same time :)…But then, I do not strive for perfection, I just let it all happen as it does, not attempting to control the creative process….there are no ‘mistakes’, just happy accidents…the ‘flaws’ are what make it all so interesting… therein lies the beauty and perfection…

It felt good when I drew in the last line....I turned the music loud and danced and sang, to celebrate... 'demansiado corazon' by Mink de Ville, ah love it! :D

There's golden and silver accents in the drawing, but the picture I took hardly shows those....

When I look at it now I see how much symbolism there is in there....the lower red upside-down heart can also be seen as the sex-region in the human body...it is about becoming and being one....very sexual....a tree for life, and earth, and grounding, and growth...a butterfly for transformation....a flower for enlightenment and multi-dimensionality (=unfolding petals).... hearts speak for themselves...one heart they share....rainbow for peace and harmony...etc etc....it is all about love basically....:D

...It is always afterwards hat I see what I drew, haha isn't that hilarious? while I am drawing I just think, oh, that would be nice to put this butterfly here, a tree there, and that line wants to go there (I often feel the lines are already there and I just bring them out, or something like that....) ...and then later I see how much 'hidden' ‘meaning’ there is in there....the more/longer one looks at it, the more one discovers…and it can mean whatever we make of it….see in it…

I called it 'pure joy' :D

Quite interesting how many people are touched by it and wrote me after I posted this drawing on my website 'Twins 2', even my mom told me she felt herself go all warm inside when she saw it :D ….I guess what comes from the heart also goes to the heart… in one straight shot/line :)… People wrote me such beautiful, appreciative and grateful words….made me go all teary…:)

Yeah...pity huh, I won't be able to see his face when he opens it....Boy, would I love to be a fly on his wall when he does… but thanks, I am glad you enjoy it...that is, after all, why I made it....for him too to enjoy...to have something out of the ordinary in his life/home....more colour... so yeah, I do hope he frames and hangs it up....

I guess it is my reached state of original pure innocence that brought me to send my love my drawing.... the open innocence of a child...from heart to heart....I guess that's why the people today angered me somewhat...those government officials that hide behind their paperwork and forms....and my landlady that asks me a question she is not interested in hearing the answer to... it is all fake......they all hide behind their plans and rules.... and it angers me at times... as I need to connect to people with purity....and honesty... with open innocence.....I crave it....yet with all their garbage in between....I cannot land... nowhere....

I am just going to trust him on this, that he will treat it well...I wrote an accompanying letter, asking him to just send it back to me if he can't look at it with a free and clear heart, and in case he wants nothing to do with me (still).....but that it is a gift....my gift of free flowing love, to him....

But that is why I make pictures of all my drawings....I don't hang on to them, I can let them go...but I like a memory of them though....in form of a picture.....but a week ago I had the same sentiments as you did, not knowing how it would be appreciated, if at all... But as one works through a drawing, one also works through a lot of other things...not only by solving the issues that come up with solving practical 'problems' in/with the drawing itself…It is quite a ‘therapeutic’ process sometimes… (one encounters a lot of problems while drawing, but they always kinda solve themselves, like happy perfect accidents…And there is always one short moment were one thinks: this is horrible and going absolutely nowhere, hideous :D)...but also inside...as I was finishing it, I was also detaching from it....what is done, is done....one has worked through it….and closes it off…

...And...some day...he will return to me, and we will hang it on our bedroom wall :D

Let's just be all teary, watery and fuzzy then today aye :)...it is after all: solstice day :D

Tomorrow, after sundown, they will light up the fires here again, one on every mountain peak, a string or orange flames/pearls surrounding us.....I always love that ritual...it has something quite pure, mystical, and hedonistically (Celtic) magical about it....primitive, yet pure.... I feel all peaceful and fuzzy...bit of coughing every now and then, tickle in my throat....but all pleasant stuff....fairy dust coming in :D

This song keeps playing in my head : ‘Return to Me’ by Dean Martin….

Love

Ilse

P.S: My good friend read these comments on some blog someplace and sent them to me:

DAvM says: Just figured out the whole ‘shifting dates of our liberation’ thing. And why indeed the autumnal equinox is where we can safely focus on. That’s when the rebirth is complete. Being (re)born takes 9 months. In our case that period started at 21/12. And just like the biological process of creating new human life, you can discern three distinct stages. The first three months are largely subtle and energetic. A lot happening which isn’t or just barely visible. That fits with the complete lack of forward movement we’ve experienced in that period. The next three months, which we’ve just completed, is when the new-to-be-born develops the most, gets its new form. This is the Adam Kadmon stage L. talked about. In our case we had to shed everything which didn’t harmonize with the new form, the dying in the flesh. Utterly painful three months for the most of us. After this stage, we’re pretty much finished in terms of functional development and form. The final three monthts we’ve entered now are about growth. Much, much easier. Fitting that Jupiter – Hi L.! – will enter Cancer, the sign of the mother, next week. It’s all about us receiving nurishment for growth. About expansion, exactly what Jupiter will deliver. And then… it’s rebirth time at the equinox. Something to look forward to!

L says: oooooo…LOVE this, makes SO much sense! Aligns perfectly with what my body elemental told me in the last blog article: From what I am understanding, we will be expanding into our christed-self until at least the September equinox. But before you go bat-shit ballistic, here’s what I am told:“The physical changes are going to creep up on you. Currently, change may be imperceptible however, shortly you will begin to notice some changes as if by accident. Things will be subtle at first, but will grow with each passing day. You will begin to feel physically aligned, strengthened at your core, which will be followed by incremental ”spiritual growth spurts”, as we would call them. Each growth spurt will bring with it a new set of gifts to open, as it were.” Apparently, the first wave of “ascendants” will be parting ways with their body-elementals at the completion of our adam kadom integration, which I am told is sometime in the fall (in the north), but…BUT…this expansion period over the summer is supposedly not the hell we are accustomed to. I am hearing that this is a “growing-into period”, a full release from the old, but an ongoing assimilation to the new. Translation: it might. not. suck.thank you for your insight D!

♡♡♡

I don't resonate at all with any of that.....I guess I am too far beyond wanting to cut everything up in pieces with labels, names, definitions and time-frames..... I am multi- and inter-dimensional.... I am way beyond definitions......everything is all at the same time, simultaneously...pure energy/ love does not fit any mould.... she is free....she flows into and around everything, all at the same time..... She needs no numbers or names….as she has none… Only when one desires to catch her, separate her (from herself), to lock her up and make her rigid, and dense/firm, does one name her…

And I know for myself, for a fact, that I am not in the 'stage' they are in..... I have left all that behind long time ago.... all that ‘head’ can really get in the way of the ‘heart’… that is why they are (still) where they are....and I am where I am.....

We all create our own limits..... they create limits by wanting to fit it all within certain development-stages.... that is why I could move so much quicker.... I understood very early on to not stay stuck in those kinds of groups and moulds (very luckily and befittingly they also kept throwing me out, bullied, mobbed and banned me everywhere, hahaha, divine perfection! I never fit anywhere…too narrow there, it was not my place…much was learned by being in those kinds of unloving situations, it brought me ever closer to loving myself...so I bless and love them all :D....I had to go ahead, and be free).... they may seem very wise and informative, and they do serve a purpose, for some, for a while.... but in the 'end', they only hold you back from where you need to go.... from total freedom...from becoming and being pure love....one with ALL.....formless and free..... beyond all definition…

I am now fluid...

Like water…seeking/going the path of least resistance…I flow with….

I basically.......find it all bullshit....'adam kadmom' , 'jupiter-influences' , 'body elementals... etc....these all just keeps one bound in illusion….and limitation…They are all just simply YOU!...Stuff like that feels very…ancient…like stone-age…. primitive…(But then, so is the whole ascension scheme basically…dunno who came up with that one :D)

....’twas not the pure source god/love that invented such names, ‘twas beings that did so....defined creatures of from, attempting to explain and define....that which really needs no defining and explaining at all....which is in fact, much much more and totally….simple…

Nothing ‘wrong’ with that, if one needs it……no judgement there, no disrespect...All imperfect divine order of course, we are all right where we’re supposed to be, always… but also….not necessary….As there lays a whole other (new) 'world', with infinite new possibilites behind/beyond it…

It makes me laugh right now, quite unstoppable...it is quite hilarious when you think of it, hahahahaha!....they make everything into something so important....they blow it all up with names, titles, and rituals and times, stages and meanings, complicate things....as if it is actually meaning-ful.... important.....definable...hahaha, humans!....:D

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BTW: Last night, the night of 30t of June to 1^st of July, I was surfing the net, I just can’t focus on watching TV anymore, it can't grab me and hold my attention (neither can the internet actually, but I feel rather restless… again.. unfortunately).....I am like a child with ‘attention deficit disorder’ :)....Anyway...I read this text by Kryon (on pointsofpower.com.au) I stumbled across.... well, I didn’t quite read it, I just glanced and certain paragraphs popped in my vision, I can’t read long explanatory texts anymore, they bore me.....(although I know very well there is nothing more to gain from any of those sites, as I far surpassed them, there is nothing there for me no more, it was just boredom I guess, seeing/curious what everyone else was up to)…. and I just got so......tired....and sad when I read all that..... about how souls keep returning to earth, revolving door kinda, and about it being about reading/testing the energy of earth and changing the energy of the 'great central sun' , and yada yada yada.....I cried....it just seemed.....god...I dunno...it all felt so limited....complex….locked up...primitive..

God/love is none of those things….nor does love need all that…Love is simple and pure.

Nothing anybody says resonates with me anymore....it all feels 'wrong' and tiring...I get soooo tired.....it is as if my body/eyes won't read it anymore...I start crying and get instant exhausted, and can't read on...it is not for me....

And so this morning, I got up...and I knew that none of it is true for me...I toiled with the whole ting for a very looong time… couldn’t quite put my finger on it before…I came here to participate in the changing of energy/theme on planet earth, that part I travel 'alongside' everyone else, as it is convenient to my ‘purpose’ .....but all the other stuff is just not true for me...nor for my Michael...and those channelled beings, however sincere they are, and however much they seem to know.....I come from a place 'far' beyond them....it is not me that is in a illusion...it is them....they indeed can see stuff I can't, as they are in the multi-space..... .but I can see what they can't.....with pure clear vision....things they are incapable of seeing anymore as their vision was turned solely into certain directions....I needed to be in the flesh and on the earth to experience it, and gain this view…Perspective.

They got lost in their own ideas, definitions, schemes and plans as well...

And one reason I am here on the earth is for original innocence.....to restore it...and that original innocence and purity has nothing to do with earth being used for an such agendas....I am here to go beyond....anything anyone holds true...or they (and humans as well) will merely move from one lock-up right into another…

‘They’ (= the other aspects of me) simply started believing it was all true, and important, and necessary... just like the ones living in illusion on the earth.....those off-planet beings/energies are just as lost in a way as the earthlings, they have just as well become 'steering and defining energies' ....and they don't even know it....they are just as locked up in their ideas and 'knowledge'....

It may seem pretentious of me to say these things, and I am not saying I am 'more' or 'better'... but it is the reason I was never accepted by others, nor in any of those ascension groups etc..... because they merely fall from one illusion into another...the illusion of their home-world… And that may be just right for them, as in divine perfection...but it is not for me.....and I needed to stay/keep clear of all that....because where they all end, I begin....

….And that is why they do not want me around…I scare them…they feel threatened around me…I upset their known world…they feel it deep inside….

I guess there are simply 'levels of love' ....if one can call them that (since humans connect to labels)...levels of awareness, on and beyond this world...and although the channelled entities think they have all the answers, this is simply not the case (neither do I, we all merely get the information that serves us) ..they simply reflect/represent yet another belief-system/layer.... another aspect or aspects of god....it has nothing to do with me and who I am and where I come from...I come from pure source/love...beyond all definitions...beyond any and all defined worlds and entities...I come from the core itself....we all do of course...but (defined) beings are derivatives so to speak...and I am not...

I am the original innocence...that word 'innocence' triggered something in me...

I am on my own unique 'mission' here......to go beyond all of them and their definitions....to go to true love, innocence and freedom....and it took me ages to finally put all the pieces of that jigsaw together.....all I knew is it all felt 'off'....

I suppose this is also why I put myself through the reading of sites like that from time to time….I callenge myself, to make those kinds of realisations (anew)…so I can keep myself on track.

My purity in energy far exceeds theirs....they forgot....how they view/see/experience earth is not pure/true....it is what they were supposed to see, and are used to seeing, but there simply is more...much more...and much simpler....they simply carry their own blocks/blinders in themselves...no matter how high they may vibrate...

Remember the story of Adam and eve in the Garden of Eden? They ate from the ‘Tree of Knowledge’ and were cast out of Paradise. That nasty snake (of their own ego/personality/being) seduced them to eating the fruit… And yes, how sweet and seductive it was (‘knowledge’ and science’ are drugs to many, in this world one lives under the impression ‘knowledge’ (and ‘education’) is wisdom, and knowing and determining/defining/ruling is everything)…