At Worlds' End

‘Observe’ the miracle as it unfolded:

(Again, these are the e-mails I wrote to my friend these last few days/weeks…me likes easy :D)

Just had to dive into my old paperwork, like before 1999, to fish out the paper they want here for the government benefits, and it was like a trip down memory lane....holy shit.... all the things and situations I dealt with back then, when they kept on sending me to all kinds of doctors and stuff.......placing all kinds of labels on me.....weird..

I don't care about 'governments' anymore....they govern nothing....least of all their own ego...

....no one as any clue what I went through in life....

I detached from it all.....I am not me...I am not even here....

you know...I guess I (we) simply had to lose all concepts and ideas of/about each other in order to be able to come together all new, clean, clear and free...I no longer know who he is, I have no concept of him anymore...(both) our slates had to be wiped totally clean, through the time of separation, and the process I underwent....I can no longer 'feel' or 'see' him, I feel no connection to him, we are different now, and not yet connected in the new 'time and capacity'... he is gone to me...the one I knew, or thought I knew...

Maybe this is the last and final (big) disconnect, before the true reconnection, in the physical...

I am quite restless again....but at least start tomorrow the weather will be warm and sunny again, so i can be on my balcony, with a bit of sewing perhaps, or a book...that way I won't be in the house, locked in all the time...and a bit of sun is always nice.....

Several people wrote me they're going on holiday....to the south of France, Mexico etc.... man.... I would love a real holiday....and not take any of this old story with me...not even an inch....

Going to sit out on my balcony now....we are having a lovely sunny warm day, so nice after all the grey and rain....I am sooooo tired....did some laundry, which is drying out on the balcony in the wind....no shit smells (yet)...

Gonna read my book (a fantasy story about people being stuck in a virtual reality game…now whatever made me choose that one? :D)...too tired for sewing...maybe tomorrow....the weather will stay warm and sunny so they say...up to 30 degrees (from 10 straight to 30.... pffff)

I too just got angry...this woman that gave me the wrong paper months ago, now sent me an e-mail she still wants 15 Euros for that right paper she sent me later...

so first I told her sorry, and will do so ASAP..then I got angry...as it was not my mistake she did nor hear me back then, did not read my application right, and did not give me what I needed because of her assumption she knows everything, so I paid 15 euros for something I did not need nor ask for...And so...I wrote her again...and in very nice words, told her exactly that... And you know what...that dentist that fucked up my mouth for months...in old world terms I would have every ground to drag her ass to court for malpractice....

They're all after the money....

You know...I might just jump into that....suing the dentist.....it's not like I have anything better to do...no life to tend to….gives me something to do....it doesn't even come from spite or anger...just sheer boredom...maybe that woman simply needs to be removed from that kinda work....dunno...does one drag people to court in te new energy?.

I like that: "Its not my anger but the anger of God"

I too feel an anger that is....outrageous...the anger Jesus felt when in the temple..

Sometimes I wonder if we are allowed to get angry at all anymore...are we supposed to be all sweet and fluffy?...cause I may feel that at times, but I definitely experience lots of other stuff as well...

surely our anger serves a purpose...it is there for a reason...

maybe it will fuel and propel us into something new....

so maybe I should just sue the woman anyways....something to do...what

do you think?

I love your swearing! :D

hahaha, my mom kicks butt...haha,,,i like that one...

I just got a reply from that woman...she named all kinds of laws and fines, that were supposed to threaten me, she so obviously felt attacked and felt she needed to defend herself.....she made it sound as if I had gotten away/off very lucky, that she had done me a great favour actually, from the goodness of her heart....and that was supposed to shield her from simply saying : 'I am sorry I made a mistake'....

one cannot get through to people in this world...

so...I replied 'I love you'....:D

...and it brought tears to my eyes as I wrote that....

I just don't wanna be with/connect to people in that way anymore...I do not want conflict and attacks etc...it is not who I am, it is who they are....they thrive on it...I just want openness, and honesty...and love....always did...and as a child it shocked me that it was nowhere to be found on this planet....

well....I realised right in time that there was a very subtle energy vortex worming it's way into my energy field....very sneaky...and so that's why i got angry, and told that woman what I thought about all of it....and so she reacted, lashed out, as one is used to in the old world..... discussions/conflicts serve no purpose whatsoever...I should have kept clear of it....my anger was bigger than me...it was the anger of God…

after I told her I loved her, I have heard nothing back, and she gave me another 2 months time to pay the 15 Euros...

I went to bed after that episode yesterday, I was depressed and wanted nothing to do with anything anymore....I felt very tired, watched a movie, we had a thunderstorm, and then went to bed.....and I woke up at about 11 pm....and i immediately jumped into the shower...and I got really mad...not at people, but at the discording energies that were trying to penetrate my space, and seduce/tempt me, which were and are not mine, and have nothing to do with me...surely somewhere some huge shift is taking place...darkness is up and around, flying free....and wild...some very old very subtle sneaky darkness....subtle fears came hand in hand with it....

Anyways...while under the shower, like something automatic, I tapped into my strength/ source/ core as I washed it all down the drain, , and I saw myself in a sphere of diamond light....and from deep within I started saying stuff in my head, like:" go away, you are not mine, and cannot penetrate my sphere of diamond light, you crumble before it, go back to the hell you whence came from, you cannot be here, I send you away for good...I am love, I am peace..."...etc etc, like a mantra almost...I pushed it away....

then I watched a movie on tv, made myself something to eat, and went to bed again.....and as I woke up this morning I felt like being hit by a train, groggy and weak...and with a bit of a dark cloud above me....but I started repeating those 'mantras'...and now I feel better

again...

I think some huge dark energies must be on the move, set free, out and about...and since I have nothing more to release I felt all this anger...I was almost caught in their web and dragged with....but in time I freed myself....nothing and no one decides how I feel but me...

I will never ever allow to feel like that ever again.....I will stop it before it can drag me down... I have come too far and went through too much in life to give my energy to what is not mine...

I am god, I decide, nothing or no one else.....no energy of any kind can make me break the love, trust, strength and peace I hold within....they can all go fuck themselves basically, as no one fucks with me...

they are the illusion, my love is what's real....love is the only reality...

it is all relaxing again now...and I have slime being released from within my body /throat/ nose...how befitting...slimy energies be gone! :D

I need not attempt to make anyone see things my way...I just need to love them (=me)....that is enough....I felt such love and sadness for that poor trapped woman yesterday...and such deep compassion....

I just went for a walk, and picked some cherries from our good old cherry tree, last time I picked cherries from that tree I think...last season here....and stood with my back against her stem.....moving helps....and grounding....old trees have such beautiful peace and strength...

'We are here to balance these energies'....

....strangely enough I no longer resonate with any of that...I no longer resonate with the whole idea of ascension, with the whole plan/scheme either...

everything basically sounds like humbug to me at the moment...even though I did experience and participated in it....I can't find any meaning/reality to any of it....and will not continue on with it....the choice is mine after all....I need true peace and love...a place to be me....innocent original beautiful pure loving me....the way I remember from early childhood....as I came...

I am not this body, I am not this plan, I am not humanity, I am not this earth, I am not an ascension-machine, I am not the material world that surrounds me, I am not the things I thought I knew....I am not any of these things....this is not me....and I do not identify myself with/by any of it....

we all assume we know...but we don't ...

the only moment where i was ever myself, was with my love....it was still....not he was the innocence, but we were, together.....it felt sacred....in him I saw myself reflected....

I gave everything for love....I have nothing left to give....I did it all....

all day almost I have been forgiving myself for coming here and putting myself through all the agony....a lifetime of it.....for no reason....I should never have done this to myself....

I needed to experience the split....the darkness....but I do not believe in it....and I will no longer battle what I do not believe in....which doesn't even exist...what I sensed was an illusion....darkness is an illusion....

darkness is a choice.....an energy we created….and the ones who created/live by it were/are free to do so... and it is not anything that ever needed any 'solving'.....nor 'saving'...

going back to pushing it away yesterday felt like going back in time, afterwards it felt like I did this ginormously primitive ancient thing that was no longer me...it was like saying goodbye to history.....it was strange, a visit to te past.....I parted with that bit for good....

my love and I were tender and beautiful....and it was pure and innocent....it was heaven... paradise.....and I forgave myself and him for breaking it up, because of our ignorance... we did not know or understand....but at least I got to have it, if even it lasted only very briefly, I am grateful for that....it proves I was always right, and what I always longed for existed, or could exist, for real....paradise...

he came back full force today...the memory of us...and it hurt....because it was so painfully beautiful...so soft, sweet and tender.... and I will not put myself through any of that longing any longer....I will no longer run after the bait......I am letting him go...I am letting it all go....

maybe in this manner he returned, and is now connected to me again...I do not know....maybe he came back just to tempt me to stick around and hang on longer....but I need to be connected in the physical... because I am flying away....back home...I feel it....I just want to sleep....

and I forgave everyone (and myself) that ever treated me badly...because they did/do not know what they do....

and none of us knew any better than to come here and do this thing....we are forgiven our ignorance...

I have been calm and at peace, yet also all over the place today...I experience(d) it all at once, just not any of the dark, that no longer lives.....just a whole lot of emotion...and waves of tiredness....exhaustion....to the point of knocking me out almost at times, like being high.... sleepy...

love never needed any of this....

love just wants to be expressed and lived....it needs no big 'divine' schemes and plans....

just me rambling.....I will stop talking for while i think....too much talking...

I never knew you guys had been waiting outside my house for so long....was that really 2 years ago?

...even last week seems like an eternity ago

I made a picture of that cherry tree in full bloom this year....a memory......

yeah...it makes me sad too....

just now I was white hot angry...aggressive even...

those blasting idiots from the government benefits, after months and months of asking me for ever more paperwork, just sent me a rejection....yet they sent me a rejection for a 'berufsunfähigkeitspension'...and that is not what I asked them for...I asked for an 'ausgleichszulage' which I have a legal right to, according to EU law....somewhere along the line they got mixed up...and I got soooooooooooooooooo mad....I was literally shaking!

I wrote on the letter they sent me, and I said 'sie wissen vorne nicht mal was ihr hintern macht, idioten! sie können mich mal’,...and so on and so forth...I let it all out...told them I don't want their fucking money, and to send me all my paperwork back right now...and I threw it into the mailbox across the street right away...

it is not about the money...it is simply about the stupidity of it all that I got so angry...about being given the run-around, like with this whole earth-process thing....about not being seen and heard, for real...I could have spit fire and vomited with anger...omg...I can't remember ever having been that angry...except when I was a kid and the family ganging up on me, and me grabbing a chair to hold them off me, like a lion-tamer....I remember this case where some 'doctor' locked me up against my will...I was strapped unto a gurney, and taken away....I cursed and screamed, I foamed from the mouth I think....omg....I could have screamed just now!...

....now I am just very sad and teary....but also adrenaline still pumping....dizzy it makes me...headache...heart palpitations....tired....

I know it was the divine that had the hand in this, as with all....does not make me less angry though....I don't care about the money....I am just so fed up with this non-life....I am this boggled child again, unheard and unseen....

today I sat on the balcony and wrote Michael a looooong letter....saying it all.....we lived a whole life in those 2 nights we spent together...who needs more?....as I always tell my mom: it is not the quantity of being together that counts, but the quality... and that we had....

I will not take this bait no more....everyone and everything can go fuck themselves....I am breaking away...out! Anyway I must...if it's back home, off-planet, than so it is!

this afternoon, as I was on my balcony, a new Honda drove up, and wanted to turn back....and ran into a parked Mercedes, loud bang!...the young man that got out was very clearly drunk..... and so the owner of the Mercedes came out, the ''chef' from Föhrenhof, and saw the state the man was in....and so he drove the honda away, parked it, and sat the young guy down... and called his parents...the young guy's energy was so sad and down.... so.... disillusioned... many over here do what he did, they work, are unhappy with their lives, and on Friday dive into a bar straight away to drink their sorrows away...this guy still had his working clothes on.... the guy from Föhrenhof could have called the police, but didn't...he took mercy on this poor guy.... that looked so lost, sad and beat.....out of it…he knew his folks were gonna be angry and scream at him....and he was already in such unloving energy towards himself... it made me sad...that guy's whole energy made me sad, I cried...all his folks had to do was give him a hug, show him some love...but nothing...and he silently, without even looking at them , got in the back of their car...and the drove off...I don't even want to know what happens once he's slept his alcohol off....I know so well how this guy felt, because I recognised it from myself.....way back when...man...have I been through a lot in life...

and I am done....so done....

you know...the only way i can balance and ground anything here now ...is by actually living ...in the physical....on the earth... with Michael...and a whole lot of grounding new material stuff....

without the (new) physical life, I can no longer do anything....

I am not physical...I am a mere mirage now, an idea, an energy...unseen and unheard...and not able to stay or anchor here... not anymore....not in any way like before...one needs matter, the physical, the body in order to be ...on the earth....in spite of a heavy body, I cannot anchor here.....not anymore...because I detached from my body...I do not identify with it....it will no longer keep me here....love could keep me here...but therefore Michael must be physically present in my life....not anything else can keep me here....no other way....

up to god....and Michael...either new life and stay...or not and go....either way will be a relief...

well....after my rage....I all of a sudden saw, very clearly....

you know.....the bait of the twin...it is another illusion....the whole process is an illusion....by us sleeping together, he impregnated himself in my body-memory...and my body has been reminding me ever since...and been pushing me ever further because of it.....because the human wants the bait....I fell into the physical illusion...for a reason, yes...but still, just a program....

the bait and programming, as we know, is an illusion...we are the ones programming our bodies and material realities....we decide what is true for us....and what may have been true at one time, can change and no longer be true the next....we decide....

and so...however beautiful our being together was....I can snap out of it...it is a choice....as it is all an illusion we told ourselves.... it served a purpose, yes....but never the less, an illusion....I am now at the place beyond illusions...it is all just a customized ball really....

we all 'fooled' ourselves so we would do this thing...yet also this thing is just a story...nothing more...another illusion...we told ourselves this process was needed/necessary and stuff, for humanity and earth....but in fact, it is simply another illusion/story we created… a program....

it is a very old story...the story that's been roaming this earth for thousands of years, that says the 'good' will prevail over the 'bad'...but there is no good or bad....love is undefined, it knows no good or bad....so love would have never measured any situation and decided to 'interfere'... as love has no such judgment...love also as no agenda whatsoever, it does not plan for future goals or achievements....love does not require any of it....love was never gone...separation was an illusion...and so I (we) need no longer suffer and sacrifice to get to love...that was always this planet's illusion...an old story.....

I now see that I needed first to break through the old illusion of separation...then I needed to break through the story of 'making things right' (=ascension)...although the process did bring about what was originally intended...there is a place behind it, that has no agenda at all, never did......where all illusions/defintions are broken and energy is free of all such definition...

so...if I am to remain here it will be in the capacity of bringing this original innocence into form...the place beyond all illusions, the pure love of god, which has no definition or plans at all, no goals...that is what I need to 'do', if I am to stay here now....if I, for some reason, cannot bring this into expression now.....I can no longer stay either....as 'waiting' for things to become 'perfect' in 'timing' and such is in fact a travesty....there is no such thing as perfect.... love does not know/distinguish nor require perfection (perfection is an illusion, a judgment/ definition)... nor sacrifice...it is none of these things we told ourselves, and were fed (ourselves) to believe...

there comes in the ‘twin’...as he served to bring me beyond all illusions as bait...and now I know that the time is here to bring our original innocence into form...as I am god, I decide the timing...I feel it inside....I decide...it depends on no one but me...

exactly those things I wrote to him in the letter.....he has been the passive feminine part in this matter...and I have been the masculine active part....together we are neither nor....we are neutral....

yes.....my anger was a very good tool.....I made some very clear statements....I can no longer remain in this lie....it may still be true for others, but not for me...I have a divine right to write my own story here.....that is all earth was ever about....

the 'twin' has to make me, and us, real....so we can ground the original innocence here....and if he cannot, then I cannot remain....neither of both matters...

I guess that is why I always had to tell him everything....by my words he will know where I am at....and when his time comes....

since yesterday (or was it the day before already?) I all of a sudden saw that my Michael is not real....and neither am I (not physically anyway)....I created Michael (and thus he created me), to be me in messenger/mirror form...to an extent I always knew that, but now I also see and FEEL the illusion of it all...he was never anyone but me, and we were never broken, nothing ever was broken or separated....

his whole physical appearance and personality, and the whole experience of 'us' I designed... just to show/point out to myself where the illusion of/on this earth lies, and how to get passed it...to master it all....

do you know that scene in 'Pirates of the Caribbean - at world's end' with Johnny Depp? where they are in the so called 'after world' and have to get back to the 'real' world?.....they start rocking the pirate ship side to side, by use of their weight, until it tilts, and then flips over, upside down in the water, and then the water goes down until it is underneath the ship again, and the ship floats on top of it again... and they are on the other side again, ...quite surreal...that is kinda like how I feel now...I broke through the mirror....the world/reality has flipped over, upside down, or right side up....whatever way one wishes to look at it....I broke through...the circle rounded.

none of this was ever real....just now I sat on the toilet seat, and felt it hardness press in my bottom, and I felt how 'unreal' it was....the illusion of hardness, of being solid matter....we programmed ourselves, with our minds, to believe it is hard...but in fact there is only a void....an undefined neutral space....

we are so very creative and smart...we can make ourselves fall into any story we choose....we are god...and all form is illusionary and not real...what is real is the orginal innocence/ love/ undefined we carry within...all the rest is fake...'virtual reality'...a mere program...

so...basically...one stays in 'ascension'-illusion just as long until one is able to get oneself beyond it....beyond all the old stories earth is (and we are) not, and never was, but was made out to be....there is no ascension, just another illusionary state/ program we need(ed) to break out of all (ancient earth-) illusions/programs....

ever see these ballerinas online that turn/dance to the right? everyone, or most, think they do actually turn to the right....but one can make them turn to the left just as well… it is all a matter of breaking and steering the illusion...with ones' own mind....of choosing a different perspective...

last night I got some bout of diarrhoea, and my nose started running, also mucus in the back of my throat, and a light cough that only lasted a few moments....and the lights switched themselves on and off, which had not happened since the beginning of this story 6 years ago.....and I could smell these waves of sweet perfume all night.....I guess the lights have switched on in a new way for me now....

I have taken myself off 'the cross'....I am beyond the cross now...I resurrected myself...and nothing is as one thought it was... not even feminine and masculine...as also they do not exist.....nor does north-east south or west, up or down....there is no such thing, never was.... there is no cross....

the time of 'Christ' and Jesus (and buddha etc) are over...his story belongs in the old world/reality/illusion....the old illusion....the time of the Christ has ended....I am beyond the cross....and so will earth be, some 'day'...

since yesterday I have also been feeling so much clarity, and joy....a new state of being...could hardly fall asleep almost, a kind of new excitement, woke me up quite early....I spent quite a few hours on the terrace downstairs with the landlady's family and the neighbours...and basically all I did was laugh and goof and joke around...they were having their usual arguments and quarrels, power-battle, and it was all so ridiculous and futile, it cracked me up, so I softly sang in the background: ein bisschen frieden, ein bisschen freude...." ...and I kept squeeking to my landlady "ich liebe dich Michaelachen..."...and so at some point the landlord squeeked "ich auch" (where he had been pestering her all day long with all the things they/she 'had' to do, not allowing anyone their peace, he is dominant to her, she is to her kids, and the eldest kid is dominant towards her younger sibling)...but then we were all laughing and joking around.....and it was fun....lots of cuddles from the kids...kaffee und kuchen...

I am glad I got so angry and let it all out...it propelled me into another space....I tipped the scales, and bust the buble...

and so now...Michael is not something that needs to come about....it is an invitation to him (=me) to reunite and live original innocence on this earth...to bring it back.....all free and clear of illusions and programmings.....undefined and pure love....

and otherwise I can return home to the paradise from whence I came (the state I have re-established within now), and that will be equally glorious...

but the illusions I will no longer live and uphold....I will not stay in this old illusionary 'physical 'space...as it was true once, but is no longer now...(I broke it, and I am god, I decide)... nor is the 'necessity' to hang on to 'Michael'.....I am now truly free... and so, so is he....our reunion and physical expression of original innocence is no longer something that is 'supposed to' happen, but now is simply something that CAN or could happen....

so I am glad I applied for those government benefits (without judgment), and I went as it did....they (=i) served myself well that way....

do I make any sense ...at all? :D

we just have sex for fun, because it feels soooo goooood...as basically, sex with another is making love to Self :)...and the other is merely showing us the love we feel towards our self.... by it we show our self love....it is the divine expressing the love it holds for itself.... and for creation...all love-making is basically masturbation....

funny you brought up sex...I have been flooded with images of Michael and I having sex all day long :D....not memories, but new scenes :)....the story/illusion of 'Twin' has been broken..... now there is only unity....he is no other than me...and now, we came into each other…we (I) became one...

now I can truly understand why he felt.....so close to me....like me....it was as if I was making love with/to myself with him... I saw myself reflected in him....and in our love-making we were a perfectly 'eingespielter' unity....we just knew what the other needed/wanted....

in and from our original innocence, we create....

the 'waves' movements sex brings about, are vibrations....and creative....not only to make babies...those wave-patterns actually oscillate into worlds....realities....they uphold and bring about realities....like thought-waves/patterns....like radio-waves sending music....sound waves sending information....god masturbates creation....gets off on it, god ejaculates new realities.... semen (and fish) 'swims' ....that is also an oscillation....contractions when giving birth also an oscillation... birds flying....'light' is also a vibration, as is colour...it is all gods' masturbation.... in expression...breathing and heartbeat…

...so are Michael and I...it is ecstatic....and peaceful...

you know...we don't need any physicality....it is not who we are...we are energy...even 'less' than energy....we make/create energy...

but...since we are here in the world/state of physical illusion....since we have the opportunity... might as well have fun with it....goof around a little...it's what we came for...

and btw...who says you have to do anything, like doing his laundry for him and take care of him...are you nuts? :D

yesterday the women were saying stuff like: o yeah, we can go do this now, the men have just had cake, so they won't need food for quite some time now.....my landlady asks him when he wants his coffee, and then serves it to him...omg....puke puke puke....I was like: hUh????!!!!...as if they cannot get or make their own food when they're hungry... what are they, 2 year olds? Handicapped morons? Fuck that!

But, as those women see themselves, so do their men perceive them, and reflect it back at them. If I were to have a cleaning lady, than that only means I, well aware, reflect back at her who she (thinks she) is or needs to be. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with that, I would simply facilitate her to look in the mirror she herself created… until she is done with it and sees beyond. We all have our roles to play here on this earth. I need not think of ways to end ‘pollution’ or ’economy’ etc, as that is not my place, that role is for others to play, I just happily use whatever solutions they come up with.

We will take care of each other....Michael and I

You know...it is better to break your neck than to have never looked up at the sky :)

that was funny...I just looked out the window...and thought I saw leaves or lights flying outside, and I thought: that's funny, there is not even any wind...and then I realised, the lights were flying in the space around me, and in my eyes, and were being reflected in the glass...something like that....like shooting stars...disco ball.... funny...:D

LUNAPARK

You know...you say 'the ways of God are not my ways.....but in fact....they are...as you are God...

I feel like I am diving ever deeper (or ‘higher’) into this new state....after the ship/reality flipped over....

my landlady and landlord have been bitching on each other again....and it is as if I no longer see them, not the (self-created) illusion of them....but I see beyond...I see how my landlord is making my landladies' life miserable and dominates and controls her life and days, makes her serve him, because that is who she is! He perfectly reflects back to her who she thinks she is, and what she thinks her role is.... it is her own imprisonment he shows her, she makes herself live this life/ experience....they perfectly reflect each other, as he is also a control-freak.....and so the kids overtake it and also are playing the same game.... that is their game, their illusion, their story...they perfectly reflect each other.....she is her own imprisonment… and so the kids overtake it and also are playing the same game....

The old ways on earth.... from free choice and creation

life is an illusion...it is a Luna park, you know, a hall of mirrors in which one sees ones' Self reflected, in exaggeration...... some of those mirrors reflect mighty strange deformations....but then, those are the deformations/illusions the one staring in the mirror reflects back at himself....it is all one great big joke...the mirror shows what someone is all about...

Now that I flipped the ship, by my mere weight/mental force of divinity, everything changed....

I see now that the anger/aggression I directed and those people from the government benefits was in fact anger if had towards myself...as it was not really them that did not pay attention and could not hear and see me, it was ME that was not paying attention...

My apartment, which has felt like a prison for so long, as it was all I experienced for years, only reflects the prison I made myself... I kept myself imprisoned here... it was never 'the powers that be', 'the universe' or anything/anyone doing this...it was ME...I was holding myself back...to force myself to TRULY look in the mirror, very very closely, and break (through) the illusion.....

Reality has flipped over....

it is as if the circle has no become rounded/complete/closed, and I have ended where I began, where nothing I experienced in this life was ever real, it was all one great big illusion, that I fooled myself with, only to end back at the beginning, where I see none of it was ever true or real nor necessary...it was all just a dream, an illusion....none of it ever really happened even....

Our surroundings reflect our self....

I have now pushed ‘the-mirrors-that-fool’ aside, like the splitting of the (red) see.....as there was never any sea to begin with....

Nothing needed balancing, as the balance was never lost....love never left....and nothing needed cleansing as there was never any pollution.... no darkness needed battling against, as darkness never was....

one stays in the illusion of ascension as long as one needs to break through it...one goes through the motions of that illusions as long as it takes....that is our own doing, not from some force outside of ourselves....we stay there until we can truly look and see in that mirror....it is how WE serve our self....

i got so annoyed and impatiently aggressive with it all, I gathered all my frustration together in one ball of blasting heat/energy (after all, we are not energy, we MAKE/create energy), as I knew/felt I was overlooking something/missing something....I fired it away, and took my strength/truth back, with a bang.... There was never any male or female.....he is me and I am him....we are neutral...original innocence....

it is as if I broke through the 'sound barrier' with a loud BANG...and there is clarity beyond all.....everything is so totally clear now...as if I am standing on a mountain peak and breathing in all this compressed air, that is full of Clarity, and it is almost making my head spin.....rising above a certain 'level or boundary, and having my ears pop....the place where the 'air-pressure is totally different...or basically: there is none...I am free!

And by me making these discoveries, others will also see...as I report it....

and when they are ready, the god in them will bring them to me, as I will reflect back at them the truth they are now ready to hear/see...and realise....as they are me, and I am them...

And that is also why I had to always write everything to my love....as in doing that, I was telling it to myself...it brought clarity...

in all of this, we do not serve any humanity or earth...we serve our self....it was never about serving anyone, or freeing up anything...it was always about getting beyond the illusion....

we want our self to know now....God (=I/we) is re-establishing the original innocence on the earth....which was always an illusion to begin with....nothing was ever hidden...we simply chose not to see.....

...and I could simply no longer hold myself back, could no longer contain my own hugeness, my force...I was ready to break free.....

I am very excited....as now...I cracked the code....I am in now...right in the heart of the 'steering mechanism'....I feel a tremendous joy and feeling of freedom inside....I feel I can finally breathe, after a long time of the illusion of death....my heart swells in my chest and I can barely contain it...there will be no holding back of any kind anymore now....that dam has broken, and the great flood is coming, I can feel it. That flood will wash/flush me out of this old setting straight into a new one. I feel things might/will move very swiftly here (and easily/effortlessly) now. The blood and adrenaline is rushing through the veins already.....I am getting my surf board out, as the waves are going to be huge and glorious! Exhilarating...new creation is a-coming! Watch us soar as we ride the waves of love and freedom!

there will be no more 'waiting' now...there really never was...we simply keep our self in the loop, holding our breath, like a fly that keeps on bumping into the glass window, trying to get out…until we SEE.....which is also...nothing but an illusion....

Nothing ever needed ‘healing’, as nothing was ever really broken…

I parted the red sea….

It is time to breathe OUT now…..to bring it outward…into the ‘flesh’...which is....just another illusion/game :D

2 songs keep playing in my head now: ‘let’s get physical’- by Diana Ross…and ’ happy days are here again’ by I dunno who J

My love Michael (=I) served me so well....

And by all this....I give to you (=me)....FREEDOM

Love

Me

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

P.S: This is what I wrote to my friend afterwards:

we look in the mirrors of deformation just as long until we lose/did away with all the illusions in-between and are able to look in the mirror of pure and innocent undefined love....more innocent and purer than children even....Adam and Eve in Paradise...

And....I hope you do not mind me saying this....but I feel everyone around you is reflecting 'caretaker' back at you....even your son J. went through his accident not just for him, but also so that you can play your role as caretaker (and mom)...we all facilitate the other in being/reflecting back who he/she thinks he/she is....we do it for those around us, and they do it for us...we reflect them, and they (or it) reflect(s) us... you said to me often enough that you do not want to do G.'s laundry and stuff, but would as long as he works.....that means you have not become undefined....you still run programs in your mind...the water has not cleared yet...I think this is why you get so angry at people...it signals you...a red flag...

When/if you just got angry or upset reading this, it means you are not ready to hear/see it yet...which is fine....it is your choice, and your story...your maze/labyrinth to walk through....your own unique hall of mirrors....I may just be the mirror you are not ready to look into yet...the one of pure and innocent love....paradise...like G. was/is as well....it is your own personal choice and story, which is honoured and respected...as love does/is..

There is no brain, there is no life, and none of this exists...there is really only undefined love....we are love (in form/ expression)…

I feel like I just fell in love…I feel itchy all over (like with 'him'…and like when ‘the voice’ inside was calling/urging me to quit my job…The sheer exhilaration and joyful excitement of something new unfolding. Everything feels fresh, new and crisp… totally different… there are no words)...I am on a high....can hardly concentrate...can barely sit still...all I do is dream and smile....I am all love...I cannot contain it…it will go outward now…

and I also feel like when I just finished reading a book....when the last chapter is read, and the story has ended....the mystery was solved...the great relief.... everything cleared... relaxation...joy....and excitement...for a new book can commence...after a short pause...it is finished…

(I experienced some minor ‘flu-symptoms’ after this last and final break-through… the shedding/dropping of the last illusion)

Once you saw, know, feel and experienced that all you really and truly are is (pure and innocent undefined) love (=the core/essence), none of the mirrors can fool you an longer…as they are noting more than (self-created/inflicted) illusions, that basically invite (or beg) you to move beyond them…And once you established that within yourself, and know everything is fake/illusion, it becomes quite easy to undo them, and create otherwise. No reality = absolute…one simply stops believing them. They are all just stories, nothing more…(Self-created) illusions, to create/ensure/bring about (certain) experience(s)… Anyway, that was the OLD story, the one behind the veil(s)…We write new stories whenever we choose….In this new day free form all ancient programming, from pure innocent love, which has no restrictions or perspectives (judgments)….as it is the beginning of all ‘things’…it comes before everything.

I view all creations/games from that neutral ‘perspective’ of pure innocence now, from the beginning….where the rest of this world still views things from a perspective of (earth-) programming/illusion…this is not judgment, all in due ‘time’.

I left the story....I am out....of the maze…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Right after all this unfolded, my long year friend and I parted ways, like I knew we would. It came into my awareness a few days beforehand that we would. As always, we travel alongside people and places until we are done with them….I broke new ground, broke, moved and entered into new territory, and she still had ‘agreements’ running right where she was, with herself and the (divine) personalities/aspects surrounding her (serving as each others’ mirror, until done with the particular story, and all was experienced/discovered/integrated from it). Different ‘lands’ speak different ‘languages’, as the ‘way’ of comprehension is different, and so, for now, she and I no longer speak the same language. She (still) resides in the reality of role-play, and, for now, she needs to be/remain the ‘caretaker’ (of course this is not who she is, but what she does, for the moment/time being). That is the ‘right’ place for her to be right now. She, and the personalities/mirrors surrounding her are in agreement, they need each other to write/fulfil their own unique story/path out of the labyrinth. It is their (and everyone’s) prerogative/divine right…To each his/her own steeple chase, and game.

(Quite frankly, there are no reasons whatsoever for what we (God) do or did (create)…Only humans seek/need reasons…But the ‘truth’ is…Love (=God) has no reason for being, at all…nor does she need one…She just simply is…innocent and clear of reason and explanation… She comes before all that…Of course, on some level of reality, this so called illusion of ‘ascension’ does definitely bring about (the universe/creation) what some (many actually) explained it as, because after all, it always is what we decide and perceive it to be….From a clear view of original innocence however, it holds no such explanations/ meanings…God/love simply neither has, nor needs such agendas…Nor is there any reason or ‘goal’ behind the agony people/beings put themselves (each other) through, except that it is their choice (and creation)…)

So, in my mind, I said goodbye to her, hugged her, wished her well on her journey, turned around, and went on my way. With peace and gratitude. This is not sad, it is simply natural. The moment we are done, we move on and part ways with those people, places and items which have now become redundant to our story. (It was even so that, although I usually respectfully refrain from blatantly telling people what I see and feel around them - as it is simply not my place, it would ruin their path of own discovery as they laid it out for themselves, and their own unique maze to un- and discover. It is for them to figure out. Experiencing/learning by doing is always much more effective than someone else telling you (which would also be just another programming-, this time I deliberately, well aware of what was to take place, simply went ahead and expressed my view anyway. (which is indeed nothing more than another perspective/view….yet one very clear and untroubled, coming from pure original innocence/the beginning…the place of original intent, from where everything sprouts). I knew it would bring about exactly what it needed to: for us to part ways. All natural, coming from pure honest expression. Where I went, she was not supposed to follow…yet…and at some level she knew this.

When one person leaves its old role (like self-image, job etc) to take upon himself a new one, it changes everything, and the surroundings (individuals) are thus all forced to look into a new mirror. Some cannot, as it frightens them, there are things in the mirror they rather not face (yet), they are not ready for it (to leave their old role), and naturally fall away. This too is the divine flow.

(The girl from Pakistan, who was shot by the Taliban, has taken upon herself the role of the mirror. The Taliban shot her to bestow fear, as in the old days fear begets more fear, and hate begets more hatred, etc. But now the mirror has changed, and instead of fearing, she holds up a mirror of strength and change for them to look into. Also India is being forced to look into the deepest abyss of its own being by al the violent rapes of women (and children) taking place there, coming out for all to see face/acknowledge, as are many other nations worldwide now looking into the mirror of change, being pushed/forced to face themselves. It is the divine choice of the God inside all those participants, to facilitate change for themselves in such a manner/process. On a deeper level everyone knows the role (of the one god) they’re playing in the hall of mirrors.

I also saw a cover of the recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, showing the close-up picture of the man-boy that, together with his brother, bombed the Boston Marathon in the USA. It showed a beautiful lovely young man, with big innocent, almost startled brown eyes, tender like a young deer. (I would have cuddled him on the spot). The picture went straight to my heart…and obviously many other peoples’ hearts as well, as there is currently a big uproar in the USA over this Rolling stone cover. Stores won’t sell it, and people won’t buy it. There’s an outrage going on, the reason given: They feel a ‘terrorist’ like that, has no right to be shown on the cover of a magazine, as if he were some sort of star/idol. But I know better…The origin of their outrage and anger is NOT that which they say it is, it lies much deeper. In that beautiful picture lies pure innocence, and softness (in fact it reminded me very much of my Michael, the same big innocent eyes, except for the colour), not something one, in the old world, expects, or wishes to see in someone they demonised and judged as being ‘pure evil’ and a ’terrorist…In fact, this young man serves as the mirror most Americans are not yet willing to look into, as it shows the terrorist inside all of them. This young man is no better or worse than anyone else, he is just a boy. It makes no difference whether one bombs a marathon, terrorises his neighbour, is a company or bank cheating people, performs rape, acts self-destructive or rejects oneself – and others- for being ‘not pretty’ or ‘not thin’, etc…It is all the same one terrorist inside all. This young man, Dzokhar, is the voice and face of the loving innocent god inside them all, meant to make them look into his soft, gentle face. Making them look straight into the face of their own terrorist, and into a mirror of love, giving them a chance to embrace love, instead of choose hatred (again). And that is what really caused the angry outcry, it triggered a big release of old energy-response…