Stories

Super Smash Bros. Brawl

By James Stuart

Note: This version is based on the first version of my story but adapted to a more traditional story form of writing, as well as updating the story to include more references to video games.

To hear me read out the first part of this story please go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-wphLZpxos

The second part can be found at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcMshTgcFWU

Mario, always hungry, has just entered his local café in the Mushroom kingdom and walks up to the counter, noticing how packed the place is with the residents. A green spotted toad behind the counter sees Mario immediately and speaks before the plumber can even open his mouth.

“I’ll bring your usual over as soon as I can, Mario,” the toad promised as he already begins to move onto the next customer. “You’d better find a space before it gets too crowded.”

The vertically challenged hero thanks the toad with a wave of his hand; he spies just one empty seat at the other side of the room. Like a true professional, Mario weaves his way between the customers, jumping on Toads’ heads when necessary. Relieved to have made his way to the other side, Mario sits himself at the small table not immediately taking note of who was seated opposite of him.

To pass the time Mario looks over the menu but he finds that one of the pages is stained with a sauce to the effect that he can’t read what it says. Not wanting to disturb the guy sat with him at the table happily eating his chilly hot-dog, Mario reaches over to get the spare menu himself.

“Mario?!” Sonic uttered in disbelief at the sight of the Mushroom kingdom's number one hero.

“Sonic?!” Mario questioned, finding it hard to accept that he had actually come face-to-face with someone almost as cool as himself.

“Luigi?!” a toad called out as he passed the table Mario and Sonic were sat at. “Oh, where is Luigi? Has no-one seen Luigi? Will someone please think of Luigi? Why does Luigi always get left out? Please come back Luigi!”

For what seems like a lifetime time the legendary characters, Mario and Sonic, stare at one another with absolute amazement. Even as a large plate of pasta generously smothered with sweet sauce is placed in front of Mario, neither of the heroes react.

“We meet again, Sonic. Still upset at me beating you at running in the Olympics?”Mario mocked, mentally checking off his list of things to do, which included destroying Sony.

“Yeah, right!” Sonic tried to laugh off the embarrassment of losing to possibly someone who ran slower than a snail with an extra large shell who had just packed all his belongings to go on holiday. “You got lucky; obviously you’re used to shaking a Wii remote frantically as if your life depended on it.”

“Well... at least Nintendo’s games consoles last longer than a couple of years!” Mario replied with much hate for the unusually coloured hedgehog. “Remind me dear Sonic just how long the Dreamcast survived; so much for billions of players online!”

Just as Sonic and Mario get to their feet as if about to strike one another Amy rushes over to the table but Mario is too busy with his fighting talk to even notice her at first.

“I’ve got a bow and arrow with your name on it, Sonic, and I never miss the bull’s eye.” Mario threatened, charged up and ready to attack his greatest enemy.

Sonic was quick to insult Mario as he leaped onto the table and started dancing, saying “Oh, look at me, I’m a plumber turned saviour of some princess and I get out of breathe from breathing!”

“I…do not… (pant)…get out… (pant)…of…breathe…” Mario quickly proved Sonic right much to the hedgehog's delight.

Always one to try to keep the peace, Amy encouraged “Calm down you guys, arguing will get you nowhere fast.”

“Not now Peach I’m busy-” Mario began, only to be interrupted by the pink hedgehog he had just wrongly addressed.

“I’m not Peach, silly Mario,” Amy corrected, not at least bit pleased at being mistaken for the kingdom's royal leader. “Who on earth would want to be a beautiful princess who lives a castle, looked after by servants all day long and has the power of the stars?!”

“She has a good point,” Mario spoke up, for a moment giving Amy false hope that Mario's brain was actually working today. “I wouldn't want to be a beautiful princess.”

While Mario and Sonic sit themselves down again to eat, Amy stands by the table, watching them closely.

“You said you would be just five minutes, Sonic” Amy complained, annoying her supposed boyfriend who would rather she would hurry up and put a vanish cap on. “ Two hours later I find you trying to pick a fight with an old man.”

“Hey, I’m not old!” Mario protested, and then quickly added “Well, I think I look good for a 256 year old.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter now,” Amy made known as she produced a small blue device seemingly from nowhere. “I brought you that Nintendo DS you wanted.”

As if a magic word, Mario looks up in disbelief as Amy hands Sonic a brand new DS games system.

“Oh, I see, Nintendo good enough for you now that your games are on it,” Mario yet again ridiculed the hedgehog.

“It is a DSi, isn't it?” Sonic had to know before accepting the gift from Amy. “If it's not you might as well discard it along with all the Xbox 360's.”

“Well, I'm not sure,” Amy admitted as she turned the DS over, trying to find some kind of indication as to whether it was the newer version. “The guy in the shop said it was a limited edition that had the power to rule the planet but he never said anything about it having an 'i' in it.”

“Sounds like the video games shop I go to,” Mario spoke up, reliving the memory. “They are always trying to sell you something more. Who in their right mind would want to buy a Tails doll-that thing is so creepy!”

Ignoring Mario, Sonic at last takes the present from Amy but she gets impatient waiting for him to thank her.

“Where’s my kiss, Sonic?” Amy demanded to know. “I had to clear Green hill of rings to pay for that DS, and all I ask in return is that you devote your love solely to me for eternity.”

“Yeah, Sonic, give your girlfriend a kiss,” Mario found another opportunity to mock Sonic.

“At least I can get a girlfriend,” Sonic quickly answered. “When did Peach ever thank you other than bake you a strawberry cake, if she even did that; we all know the cake is a lie.”

“…Peach kissed me…on my nose…” Mario blushed as he remembered the special memory.

“On your nose?!” Sonic roared with laughter before eventually calming himself down. “I’m not surprised, she probably couldn’t see your mouth; your nose is so big!”

“Stop it!” Amy cried with displeasure, stamping her foot down. “Why are you in this foreign kingdom anyway, Sonic?”

Sonic finishes his last hotdog and before zooming off at F-Zero speed, he answers Amy.

“Tails is getting married to Wendy!”

Amy looks on at Sonic who has ran out of the café and quickly becomes a blue bur, leaving his greatest fan totally dumbstruck.

“He’s pulling your leg, Amy,” Mario revealed what was to him as obvious as could be. “No one would marry Wendy, not even Wendy herself.”

* * * * *

The sun is intense as Mario exits the café and he wipes the sweat from his brow. He then climbs onto his Yoshi that had waited patiently for him munching away at various fruits. But just as the plumber raises his hand to signify to his pet that he is ready to move on, Lakitu suddenly appears, flying close on his cloud.

“This is Lakitu reporting live where Mario has just been spotted outside a café without Princess Peach.”

Mario tries to ignore Lakitu but the cameraman shoves a microphone right up against the plumber's nose.

“Tell me, Mario, what led you to believe that Bowser had taken the princess to a café?”

“I...eh...” Mario mumbled, trying to think of a good enough excuse to keep Lakitu happy. “I...was just having something to eat-”

“Well, you heard it hear first folks!” Lakitu announced as he turned away from Mario to speak to those who had gathered around him. “You thought he could save our princess but all he is interested in is food!”

Looking down at a white haired female bat woman standing amongst the crowd of bystanders, Lakitu begins to question her “And young miss, would you say that Mario eats too much?”

“I don't know about his eating,” Rouge teased, fluttering her eyelashes innocently. “But only the other day as I was walking home through Whomp's fortress, I saw Mustache-face carrying a large sack of gems that could only have been stolen from that fancy bank that opened up last week.”

Lakitu almost screamed with excitement as he reported “News just in: it was Mustache-face a.k.a. Mario, who stole the priceless jewels worth 5 million coins from Toadworth bank. Who would have thought that a hero would ever go on the dark side!”

Mario needed a miracle to distract the onlookers as they started to close in on him, fooled into thinking he had done wrong. Yet, his wish came true just in time now that Samus Aran, Lara Croft and Zasalamel come into view.

“What do you mean you thought I was a man?” Samus demanded to know, pushing Lara none too gently while Zasalamel tried to separate them.

Seeing another opportunity to put his reporting skills to good use, Lakitu flies right up to the trio that had just arrived and announced “News just in: Samus isn't a man-”

Rouge laughed wickedly and remarked “Good on you Lara, it's about time someone told Sammy.”

The crowd began to back away as Samus glared at Rouge with great hatred, her weapon aimed right at the treasure thief. Just as Samus fired a large plasma bullet at her target, Rouge easily avoided the projectile thanks to her ability to fly. Hovering above Samus, Rouge took great delight in mocking her by saying “It's called flying; you should try it some time.”

Sensing that someone was approaching her from behind, Samus spun around on the spot and fired five huge plasma bullets at Lara yet she effortlessly back-fliped out of the way.

“Hey, that's my move!” Mario complained as he continued to watch the battle still seated on the Yoshi.

Zasalamel attempted to stop Samus from chasing after Lara but was not quick enough, however, he had managed to damage her gun with his scythe. Realising that Samus was far too trigger happy for her liking, Lara ran towards the gap between two buildings. She then jumped from one wall to the other until she reached the roof of one of the buildings.

“Hey, I invented that wall kick!” Mario yet again moaned at Lara even though no-one was even listening to him.

With such a magnificent view stood upon the rooftop, Lara for the moment felt relaxed, forgetting about Samus. “Talk about mirror's edge!”

Annoyed that Lara had escaped her, Samus grabbed the nearest object to her-which happened to be a Pokéball-and threw it at her opponent. Lara jumped out of the way just in time as the Pokéball landed on the roof and then rolled towards her feet. There was an amazing flash of light as the Pokéball opened up to reveal a hand written note.

“No-one's home,” Lara read the writing, confused as to why someone would state the obvious. “Talk about a Goldeen!”

Scanning the area for more objects to use as projectiles, Samus noticed a discarded Xbox original by a bin. Running up to it, she picked up the games system but struggled to lift it high enough to throw it.

“I call upon the power of the Triforce,” Samus began to chant, her eyes glowing a mysterious yellow. “Goddesses Din, Farore, Nayru and Plum, I beg that you grant me the strength to lift this Xbox!”

Swirls of red, green, blue and purple cloud encircled and then engulfed Samus completely before vanishing just as quickly as they had arrived. Then, a mighty bang as if thunder erupted nearby to Samus as her suit started to glow with a pink aura.

“I...have...the...power!” Samus roared as she lifted the Xbox high above her head before launching it in Lara's direction. This time Lara reacted too slowly as the Xbox crashed into the top of the building, destroying its structure, seeming as if an earthquake to Lara. In a matter of only seconds the building collapsed, taking Lara with it, sending out a great cloud of dust.

* * * * *

More to be added soon!

Adventures of Kitty Wong, The

By James Stuart

This is a fantasy horror story of mine which has changed over the years as I've fleshed out the characters, especially in my drawings.

If you would like to then please write your own stories or create drawings about my characters but please give me credit and tell me. Thank you.

About the characters

Princess Amy Wong

A half-vampire catgirl, Amy Wong is a notorious thief who uses her powers to steal the most beautiful gems from some of the world's toughest creatures. However, later in her life she begins to use her strength to help others as she searches for the truth as to what happened to her parents who are assumed to be Cat King and Queen.

Kitty, as Amy is often called not surprisingly, had no idea she was actually part vampire despite having such sharp fangs. The turning point came one day while fighting a super deadly beast who she could only kill by drinking her opponent's blood. This taste for the life liquid changes Amy for ever; although she is unlike traditional vampires, being at least half vampire fuels her already great thirst for adventure, knowing that she can take on most creatures that get in her way.

Often the cat princess bites off more than she can chew, so-to-speak, and ends up being captured, especially as she is a greatly desired creature as possibly the only of her kind and for her theiving. But Amy is forever determined to fight to the death if need be, although sometimes it is up to her friends to save her.

One last thought; if Kitty's parents are no more, Amy should become the Cat Queen. There are rumours, however, that there are other cat creatures like Amy out there who would have something to say about her becoming queen.

Trivia: Amy's full name Princess Amy Wong spells out PAW; this was something I realised after deciding on her name. Speaking of that, I really liked how well Amy Rose sounded (of Sonic the hedgehog fame) but needed an alternate second name. A similar sounding name is Ada Wong (from Resident Evil) so I combined the two, thus forming Amy Wong.

Amy Rose also inspired my character Amy Wong thanks to her now common short red skirt (although my Amy's skirt is pink) with a white band towards the bottom (Amy Rose wore a different type of skirt in some of the early comics), and her hairband, and golden wrist rings resembling Mobius rings.

Fact: My 2D and 3D games I have programmed run on a game engine I call 'Kitty Wong' since it first powered my The Adventures of Kitty Wong game.

Queen Kara

Kara is a lizard woman who rules the BloodRose kingdom full of a mixture of beasts but most of them are human; the humans are greatly fearful of their ruler who severely punishes anyone even for the pettiest of crimes such as stealing. There is a law of Kara's that once anyone enters her kingdom no one may leave it without her permission, there are guards around the borders of the kingdom to ensure that is kept true.

The lizard queen's kingdom is beautiful and one day the lengendary Amy Wong ends up exploring the lands, and it's not long before she starts stealing. Kara finds out and orders the cat princess' arrest so that she can execute her. It looks like the end of Kitty as she endeavours to escape her impending death until she actually meets up with Kara. They become attracted to each other for what reasons is never clear and from that day onwards they have a love-hate relationship.

There is no doubt that Kara is a formidable foe more so that just her strength and cruel ways as she is blessed with a tail that is super deadly. She can attack, grab and whip with her tail thanks to its flexibility that puts other creatures' tails to shame.

Robot Friends

By James Stuart

About Robot Friends: This is my satire about computers and Microsoft Windows in particular. Robot Friends is set in the not too distant future where Microsoft has pretty much dominated everything electronic, and is centred around two robot friends called Penty and IO.

Notes about Robot friends: In the future Bill Gates Junior runs Microsoft but whether he is the original Bill Gates' son or not is something you'll have to work out.

The characters' names are based on electronic components, computers and game systems, even the more normal names.

To ebay and beyond!

The robot IO was enjoying the local newspaper, relaxing on the couch in his living room when his robot friend Penty burst into the room, waving something electronic with excitement.

Penty "Guess what I got off ebay?!"

IO "Bill Gates?"

Ignoring the sarcastic remark, Penty joins the other robot on the sofa.

Penty "This is the latest technology, and I got it so cheap!"

With a brief glance at the supposed technological marvel, IO sighs with amazement at his friend’s gullibility.

IO "It’s a remote control."

Penty "That’s exactly what I thought at first, but the salesman reassured me that it was capable of more than just changing channels."

IO "Like what? Can it operate the DVD player as well?!"

Penty "That’s what the salesman also said; that there would be non believers."

IO "I hate to break it to you dear Penty, but the internet isn’t always a trustworthy place, especially Microsoft’s website."

Penty "But he seemed genuine. Besides, it only cost me an electron."

IO "And the p&p?"

Penty "That was free…because I had to pick it up myself…from another dimension. But he insisted it would be well worth the effort of risking my life and permanently destroying the fabric of space and time."

IO "Well then, show me the magic of that remote control."

Penty "Gladly."

Penty is deeply disappointed and embarrassed to find that the remote control doesn’t work, not even on the TV.

IO "What about the batteries?"

But the robot can’t find anywhere to connect any form of power, which frustrates him even more.

Penty "What am I to do?"

IO "You’ll have to contact whoever sold it to you."

Penty "…Oh."

IO "What’s the problem?"

Penty "The guy who sold it to me works for e-bay, or so he said."

With much interest, Penty watches his friend get to his feet and slowly make his way towards the large window that overlooks the city below.

IO "I was afraid that this time would come; that the nightmare of all nightmares would become reality."

Penty "What are you saying, IO?"

IO "You have no choice but to travel to the ebay HQ where mere mortals dread to walk. It will be a long, dangerous mission but you have to do it, to make the world a better place."

Penty "You’re coming with me, aren’t you IO?"

IO "I’m afraid not, but I will be with you via the internet. Perhaps you can take Vicki with you; it will be the perfect birthday treat for her."

Penty "Oh my Gates! I had completely forgotten that it was her birthday; instead of spending my money on devices not worth the webspace they’re advertised on, I should have bought her a gift."

IO "It’s not too late to make things right with her."

Later, Vicki and Penty are making their way to the bus station, hand in hand.

Vicki "And there was me thinking you had forgotten about my birthday when all along you had planned a surprise trip for me."

Penty "Yeah…"

Vicki "So, where are you taking me?"

Penty "To ebay…"

Vicki "As in the online auction site?"

Penty "Not the website, but their HQ; it’s not far."

Vicki is somewhat confused as she follows her good friend onto the bus yet she becomes dumbfounded that they end up walking back outside from the other end of the bus which drives off, leaving them behind.

Vicki "If you had needed a few electrons to pay for the fare I would had gladly given them to you."

Penty "We only needed to walk through the bus to pass into the ebay dimension."

Vicki "Why do I get the feeling that there's more to this than meets the webcam?"

Taking Vicki's hand Penty tries to reassure her that she can trust him.

Penty "I've always been there for you, haven't I?"

Vicki "Well, yeah, like a bug that just won't go away-but in a good way."

Penty "So relax and trust me and anyway, I've password protected with 128-bit security the full details of this mission, I mean, surprise trip."

The surroundings seemed no different to the normal dimension, crossing the road Vicki and Penty continued walking, weaving in and out of the late afternoon crowds assorted with humans and robots. Making their way through a dark and narrow path between two buildings, Vicki shivered at the momentary coldness, hugging close to Penty.

When the pair emerged back out into the open Vicki's eyes opened wide as she stared in utter amazement at an infinite white space of which colourful squares passed through at high speed. As one of the flying objects passed close to Vicki she gasped, realizing that there were moving images on the shape, as if it were a video of some sort.

Vicki "Penty, this place is amazing!"

Penty "Not really, it's only YouTube; just a bit further until we get to ebay."

Despite Penty's lack of interest in the videos speeding passed them, almost teasing them to watch, Vicki looked back behind her almost with a teary eye as she and Penty continued on their journey. In the blink of an eye the two robots found themselves in what appeared to be a kingdom; grassy lands that stretched as far as the eye can see against the most beautiful cloudless blue sky made to perfection.

Penty "Here we are: ebay."

Of all the places Vicki would had imagined ebay to look like it was not where she had ended up with Penty, an almost dream-like location. Penty pulled at Vicki's arm gently to prompt her to move but just as she started walking the robots were ambushed by some humans who had sprung out of nowhere.

Joyce "Can I interest you lovely robots in a real Yoshi to keep as your pet? Just feed him fruit every day or he'll eat you!"

Nomad "What you two need is these wireless speakers, going cheap-but I only accept Paypal."

Just as it seemed the robots would be forced to buy something they didn't want, the humans suddenly quietened themselves and backed away, allowing a horse and its rider to approach Penty and Vicki. Immediately they bowed before the woman as she climbed off her horse, keeping a hold on her crown as she jumped down onto the ground.

The woman of royalty smiled warmly at the visitors, her eyes glistening as if miniature oceans, her lips as red as the most ripe apple and her golden hair of length so great it trailed behind her on the ground. She held out her hand, and without having to be asked, first Penty and then Vicki shook the woman's baby soft hand.

Queen Anne "Welcome to my kingdom, I am Queen Anne, ruler of ebay."

Vicki "Nice to meet you, Queen Anne."

Anne "Please, you may call me Anne, for I know you two would always respect those of authority. But tell me what has given you need to travel to such distances?"

For a few moments neither of the two robots could manage to answer the queen, however, Penty knew it was up to him to come clean.

Penty "You must forgive me Anne but I bought something off ebay and it didn't work."

At the exact same time as Anne's face redened, knowing of the crime all too well, it dawned on Vicki that Penty had lied to her.

Vicki "So, you had forgot my birthday. I bought you that Wii thing for your birthday but all I wanted for mine was a friend who I could trust."

Penty "I'm sorry Vicki, but I've learnt my lesson. I'll buy you something off ebay-oh, right..."

Anne "That is the very evil that has threatened to destroy my kingdom and all those who live here. As great as a warrior as I am, there are just too many people selling illegal items and misleading customers in other ways."

Penty "Is there some way that we can help?"

Anne "Go back to your home, but Vicki will stay here."

The defiance in Anne's eyes that were now blazing almost with rage told Penty that arguing with the queen would result in more than a blue screen of death. He took one look at the sword attached to Anne's belt and walked away; in a flash he had vanished in a ball of brilliant white light.

Vicki could sense that all was not well as Anne grabbed her arm roughly; if she had been human sweat would be pouring from her face right now.

Anne "Your robot friend may have lied to you, but Vicki you commited a far worse crime on 11th September 1997 at 5:21 PM."

Vicki "What do you mean-and how is it you know my name?"

So scared as Anne reached for her sword, Vicki shook with fear while the queen revealed all.

Anne "That day you put on ebay for sale a hairbrush that you described would be perfect for any robot as well as human. But that hairbrush generated so much static electricity it almost killed a robot."

Vicki "I'm sorry, I had no idea! Please, I'm sure we can sort this out in a not so violent way."

But Vicki's plea seemed to have no affect now that Anne had removed her sword from her belt and held it against the trembling robot's neck.

Anne "I've always been one for retro computers and Vicki Sirus you're no exception. I'm going to take you to pieces in such a way it will give a whole new meaning to the term hacker."

THE END...?

Money Bugs

Penty has entered an electronics shop, looking to buy something with his wages. He is greeted by the sales assistance, a robot who's all too eager to advise the customer.

MIPS "You look like someone who knows what he wants-a bargain. Tell me sir, would you waste your valuable clock cycles listening to an idiot robot who doesn't know the first thing about what he's trying to sell?"

Penty "Well, no..."

MIPS "Of course you wouldn't. You have an ultra widescreen TV, the latest in home recording technology and a console so advanced the controller has a mind of its own. So, you're thinking 'What else is there for me to buy?'"

Penty "Actually, I don't have any-"

MIPS "So, you came here, the store with more technology than an Intel chip. Because we have thousands of them-just in the toasters!"

Penty "I wanted something that would entertain my guests."

MIPS "Then, my friend, you need this multi-light; it plays your mp6's, pm7's, 8mp's at voice command and does your dishes!"

Penty "Does it light up?"

MIPS "...No, don't be stupid! If you wanted a plain old lightbulb then you'd be elsewhere right now."

Penty "But you said it was a multi-"

The robot picks up a small object to show Penty.

MIPS "How about this pen? You can watch TV on it, view webpages and compose beautiful tunes, at an amazing price."

Penty "Can it write?"

MIPS "...No."

Penty "How much is it anyway?"

MIPS "I don't say this to many customers but since you're an original robot from Intel if a bit outdated, I'll let you have this amazing pen for the low price of 5000 electrons."

Penty "Wow, that's cheap."

MIPS "...Per month..."

Penty "Oh."

MIPS "For the rest of your life."

Penty "I see."

MIPS "And your childrens' lives."

Penty "Right."

MIPS "And your childrens' childrens' lives."

Penty "I get the point."

MIPS "Never mind, how about something more affordable...?"

But MIPS is interrupted as another robot walks into the shop who recgonises his friend and goes over to him.

MIPS "How about this robot?"

Penty "He's my best friend."

MIPS "And you can't put a price on something like that, but if you did, for such a loyal friend you'd pay millions."

IO "Hi Penty, found anything to buy yet?"

Penty "Not here, I haven't."

MIPS "Tell me sir, I don't mean to pry into your personal files, but how much do you have to spend?"

Penty "Two million."

MIPS "What?!"

Penty "I received compensation from Intel this morning because they've discovered that all the robots and computers that use the original Pentium chip have some sort of bug in the processor."

MIPS "I wish I had got compensation for all my children ending up working in video games; just doesn't pay as well as the computer industry. But me, I end up working in a shop that offers technology more advanced than I am."

Penty "Ok, I'll have the Super HD, Ultra Widescreen TV with built in digital radio and games console."

MIPS "Would that be the Sony or Panasonic brand?"

Penty "Panasonic of course; I've only got two million, not twenty million."

MIPS "All right, if you would follow me to the paypoint.

At the till Penty hands MIPS his credit card.

MIPS "There seems to be a problem with your credit card."

Penty "Like what?"

MIPS "You said you had two million, right?"

Penty "Yes."

MIPS "...Well you've got two hundred now."

IO "Why did you say you were given compensation from Intel?"

Penty "Some kind of math error or something."

MIPS "And the computer at Intel that credited your card has a Pentium chip?"

Penty "Yeah they've never...upgraded them..."

IO "I'm sure there's something here you can buy for two hundred."

MIPS "A Panasonic battery, AAAAAA that's been used."

Penty realises that he has a message.

Penty "Excuse me, I've just received an e-mail. My scanner's detected that it contains a virus so it must be from Microsoft."

IO "What does it say?"

Penty "...Microsoft have just discovered that their Windows 95 operating system has a major bug in it that causes all robots that use it to loose their memory all of a sudden."

MIPS "Windows 95-who uses that old, rubbish-"

Penty "Actually, I do."

MIPS "You poor thing."

Penty "Not really. Because Microsoft won't fix the bug, they've given me compensation instead."

IO "How much exactly?"

Penty "Let me see...Twenty million and they've credited my account immediately. Guess I can afford that Sony TV."

IO "And this time you really do have that money; Microsoft don't make math errors they just..overlook essential security features."

After the transaction, MIPS hands Penty his credit card back.

MIPS "There you go, sir. Would you like the TV delivered?"

Penty "TV...? What TV?"

IO "You ok, Penty?"

Penty "Penty, who's Penty? Where am I? Who are you?"

IO "I don't think that twenty million is enough."

MIPS "I wonder if there are any bugs in the MIPS architecture?"

As if to answer, a boy rushes into the shop with his console and shows it to MIPS.

ISA "My N64 keeps glitching up."

MIPS "Really? Let me have a look at that..."

Class Study

Penty and IO, the best of friends, are passing an electronics shop when they notice that there's an interesting program on one of the flat screen TVs. So they stop to watch through the shop window, as have others.

The program is dedicated to computers; the legend himself Bill Gates Junior is being interviewed by a robot.

Broadway "Tell me about your new operating system, Mr. Gates."

Gates "Of course. It's called 'Windows 2030,' and will be available in January 2050."

As the robot goes to say something he is interrupted by a programmer who appears from seemingly nowhere.

Programmer "Sir, I've just realised what it is we haven't done yet-the security!"

Gates "Better make that February 2050."

Programmer "Oh and we haven't programmed the flight simulator yet."

Gates "What? Then we'll have to delay Windows 2030 until December 2050. Or we could just leave the security out and concentrate on the real reason people use Windows..."

Broadway "What other features should we expect from Windows 2030?"

Gates "Well...Did I mention the flight simulator?"

Broadway "Yes."

Programmer "Sir."

Gates "What now?"

Programmer "I needed to ask you something. Is zero less than zero?"

Broadway "Is zero less than zero? Is zero less than zero?!"

The question confuses the robot so much that he explodes in an impressive fireworks-like display.

Programmer "Maybe that's where we went wrong with Windows?"

Gates "...Nah."

Back outside the shop, the robot friends decide to continue walking along the streets together.

IO "I think Windows has gone down hill now that the new Gates is in charge of Microsoft."

Penty "It's about the same, just requires more powerful hardware."

Soon, they find that a new club has opened up and fueled with curiosity they wander inside where they are met by a large robot. As IO marvels at the facilities, Penty takes note of the door bot's name tag.

IO "Wow, this place has some impressive features that's for sure."

Vista "But they are private to the likes of you, now get lost before I call the security!"

Penty "That's a laugh! And why's your name Vista? Don't tell me, you run on Windows Vista!"

Vista "Actually, I use Windows 95, smarty-cicruits."

IO "How do we join Mr. Vista?"

Vista "You must either be friends of someone who does belong to this club or have inherited the privilege from a member of this club."

Penty "There must be something we can do here without belonging to the club, that's open to the public."

Vista "Of course: me!"

Defeated, IO and Penty leave the club sadly and begin walking towards the other shops. That's when they stumble upon a mighty crowd consisting or robots and humans, panicking over someone or something. When they eventually manage to get closer they see an old robot lying on the pavement, in a bad state.

Penty "What happened, Vicki?"

Vicki "The poor robot was on his way to that new club when he broke down all of a sudden."

IO "Has anyone rung Mircosoft?"

Vicki "They're apparently far too busy testing some sort of flight simulator. The problem is the robot is so old no one here knows how he works...Penty, maybe you can help; your processor is a Pentium just like his!"

With no time to lose, Penty gets to work investigating the robot's insides as exposed by the now open secret compartment located at his chest. In moments the crowd sigh with relief as the robot rises to his feet, smiling his thanks to Penty.

Penty "Your processor overheated, that's all. But you'll need to get your CPU cooling fan cleaned as soon as possible."

SIMM "How can I ever repay you kind sir?"

Penty "Well..."

Back at the club, Penty and IO smugly pass the door bot what with thier memberships paid for by Mr. SIMM and they enter the class. They sit themselves down at the computers just as the teacher enters the room.

Shelia "Settle down class."

Penty puts up his hand, wondering what exactly they would be learning.

Shelia "What is it, flag boy?"

Embarassed as the other students laugh at him, Penty is unaware of the gist of the joke made at his own expense.

Penty "What are we going to do at this club, miss?"

Shelia "Why, we're learning how to program Windows Vista in assembly language!"

Penty "I guess some things are just best left private."

Checkup

Penty the robot is visiting his GP (also a robot) for his monthly checkup, as is required by law of any system that uses Microsoft Windows. The doctor, Mr. Throughput, examines the other robot, interrogating him at the same time.

Throughput "And how are you feeling, Penty?"

Penty "Ok, I guess but I'm not running at my optimal performance. A couple of my toes are running in compatibility mode."

Throughput "Well, have you downloaded the latest updates?"

Penty "...No, I always feel so much worse after the updates."

Throughput "But that's normal. Maybe you have a bug-"

Alarmed, Penty jumps to his feet but Throughput tries to calm him down.

Penty "I have a virus?! But I've stayed away from those untrustworthy websites, except Microsoft's of course."

Throughput "Relax Penty, a bug isn't the same thing as a virus."

Penty "It isn't...?"

Throughput "No. A virus is created by a couple of programmers that had nothing better to do now that they had obtained the highest score possible on Pac-man. A bug, however, is something that...Microsoft overlooked."

Penty "You mean like a decent operating system?"

Throughput "That's one way of putting it."

Penty "What's a trojan then?"

Throughput "A horse."

Penty "Oh. What about a worm?"

Throughput "Microsoft's view of their software: Write Once Read Many times."

Penty "I wonder where the term 'bug' originates from?"

Throughput "That's easy. My great, great, great...great grandfather past down the story of where bug comes from and one day I'll do the same to my soon...

A flashback to a time of old when the original Mr. Throughput, who is a human, is busy programming his computer which, because of the technology at the time, takes up most of the room. Suddenly, the machine malfunctions but when Throughput removes the back cover of his computer he finds his three children messing about inside.

Throughput "What have I told you three before, no playing about inside my computer! C'mon Barbara, Uber, Gregory, I'm sure you have better things to do than stop my computer from working properly. I don't have time for this you...BUG! Now go to your rooms and wait for the NES to be invented."

But Throughput's tales have done nothing but confused Penty.

Throughput "So you see, Windows has and will always be the greatest operating system known to man...and robot."

Penty "But that's just ridiculous, I thought Windows was a more recent creation."

Throughput "Oh no, it dates back since the beginning of time. Windows is actually based on a very old piece of software that Adam and Eve used..."

Another flashback, this time the very first man and woman, Adam and Eve are using their laptop to surf the net while they are sat together in the Garden of Eden, in their naked beauty.

Adam "I can see this internet thing really taking off one day, as soon as we get a decent speed."

Eve "Indeed darling, but this website really troubles me. It claims that one day humans will actually pay to see pictures of people in the flesh!"

Adam "Hey, look here. It says to beware of the tree of...Oh, that friendly snake has just signed in, better see what he wants frist."

Eve "There are so many websites dear, if only there was a way to do a search."

Adam "That's a great idea, Eve! But what would we call our search engine...? How about Google?"

Eve "Maybe Yahoo! Or, I know, Altavista."

Adam "What? That's a stupid name; stick to being a mother."

Eve "Fine then, computers are only for men, anyway. I can see you guys in the future glued to their screens instead of loving their wife."

Adam "So, we are married?"

If Mr. Throughput has acheived anything today, his stories have dumbfounded Penty.

Penty "How could Adam and Eve of had a laptop so long ago? Or how were they connected to the internet for that matter?"

Throughput "Computers are very old and started off tiny and then internet was wireless right from the start. The very first website was the Bible, but it was a work in progress, of course. But when Adam and Eve displeased God, as part of their punishment, He made sure that all future computers were huge and that the only way of connecting them would be by wires. And look where we are today; exploding batteries in laptops as we try to make them smaller but more powerful. Oh, why did they have to listen to that snake, they could have just put a block on him, ignored his emails."

Penty "You're pulling my wires."

Throughput "Anyway, I can prescribe you some patches but your registry may become addicted to them."

Penty "And the alternative is?"

Throughput "You live in the fear that one day your registry will become so corrupt that you'll never be the same again; in other words, live normal."

Having decided what to do, Penty gets to his feet and shakes Mr. Throughput's hand and heads for the exit.

Penty "I'll risk the normal option, thankyou."

Outside on the streets, Penty starts to make his way home when he is distracted as two digger bots begin to talk loudly amongst themselves about something they've found while digging up the road. As Penty gets closer to have a better look, the worker robots pull out a laptop from the hole in the ground, which amazingly still works despite its age.

Digger Bot 1 "Take a look at this! So the very first computer was actually a laptop!"

Digger Bot 2 "And see this file. It says 'The meaning of life is...' Oh great, stupid Windows has just performed an illegal operation and just as it was getting interesting. Oh well, we may never be able to solve the greatest mystery that's plagued mankind for generations, but at least we've solved the mystery that's troubled us robots for generations: Windows was never perfect."

Survey Scandal

Penty the robot and his best friends Vicki and IO are chatting amongst themselves as they make their way through the crowds on a Saturday afternoon.

IO “I really don’t understand humans, they’re willing to pay nearly £200 for a Wii and not even get an SD card free.”

Before anyone can reply, the trio are interrupted by a female bot with a clipboard who has called them over.

Vixen “Would any of you charming robots like to participate in a survey?”

Penty “Oh no, I’m not falling for that again. Last time I did a survey I almost didn’t make it out alive.”

Vicki “What happened, Pent?”

Penty “I’d rather not talk about it. And worse still, I never received any form of compensation.”

Vixen “But for this survey you will get paid as well as having a 0.9% chance of influencing the decisions made by top companies like Microsoft and…Microsoft.”

Penty “Sounds tempting.”

Vixen “Believe me, you can live off these surveys if you qualify and fill in a million of them everyday, which is impossible.”

IO “Go on, Penty. Maybe you’ll earn enough to buy that Z-pod 360 you’ve wanted for so long.”

Penty “A billion songs and never enough time to listen to them all…because it breaks down. Ok, I’ll do it, but when can I do the surveys?”

Vixen “Now, if you want to but first I need your details.”

Penty “Like what; I’m always worried about my privacy.”

Vicki “Hey Pent, didn’t that search engine called Google pass on your details to some unscrupulous company?”

Penty “That wasn’t a worry, Microsoft already know everything about me. But when I last did a search for ‘happiness’ using Google, I received tons of spam detailing how I could find true happiness if only I’d send them a hundred electrons every month.”

IO “Could have been coincidence.”

Penty “Then I searched for ‘work at home’ and surprise, surprise, next time I checked my inbox I discovered yet more spam, this time telling me how I can earn a fortune at home hacking X-Boxes.”

IO “I wished someone had told me that earlier…”

Penty “And after searching for ‘yahoo’ using Google, the new spam invited me to join forces to take down Yahoo.”

Vicki “Have you tried searching for ‘Google’ using Google?”

Penty “Oh, so that email was right when it said I had caused the destruction of Google by confusing it…Hmm…Maybe I should try that on Wikipedia; I’ll give them anyone can edit.”

Vicki “The best way to annoy a search engine is to ignore it.”

Penty “But how can I resist billions of electronic pages at my finger tips?”

Vixen “Wonderful. Now, if I can just have your details.”

Penty “Ok, my name is-”

Vixen “Penty One. You live with your best friend IO Port 2 in your house at Northbridge, and you’re in love with Vicki Sirius. Your email is penty@intel.pc and you have a hardware math bug.”

Penty “…Yes. But how did you know that?”

Vixen “…Just cached data, nothing to worry about, it won’t be sold onto other companies who will sign you up to dodgy deals. Next, you need to create a password; it must be at least eight characters long and consist of letters and numbers, something that no one will ever guess.”

Penty “Bill Gates is the best?”

IO “I already have that password for Sony’s website.”

Vicki “But I thought you said the new Playstation was too expensive?”

IO “It is, but in a few thousands years I’ll have enough electrons to buy one.”

Vicki “But, by then the next one will be out!”

Penty “Ok, my password will be ‘possible use of variable before definition’”

Vicki “What’s that about, Pent?”

Penty “Just a reminder where I keep going wrong. One day, I promise, all of the world’s evil will be transferred to the golden rings-”

Vicki “What do you mean?”

Penty “Please don’t interrupt me, I know it’s in your nature to do so, but I might make a terrible mistake.”

Vixen “Ready for the survey?”

Penty “Sure, what’s it about?”

Vixen “Well you can’t actually do the real survey yet, this survey is to check you qualify for the proper survey.”

Penty “I think my ALU just died trying to work that one out!”

Vixen “If you were to find an MP6 player on the floor that someone had dropped, what would you do? Would you a pick it up and hand it into Microsoft for testing, b donate it to a local charity like Microsoft, c give it to your best friend hoping that he/she will hand it into Microsoft, or d do nothing.”

Vicki “What happened to the keeping it for yourself option?”

Vixen “Who would do such a thing?”

IO “Not me…It was just laying there, calling out my name…I couldn’t sleep at night thinking about it just sitting there on its own in the rain.”

Penty “Well, I suppose I’d do the right thing and give it to Microsoft; I wouldn’t exist without them.”

Vixen “Right. Next question: where do you see yourself in 1 year’s time?”

IO “In a rubbish tip! Just kidding Pent; it’s amazing you’ve lasted this long.”

Penty “One year is a very long time, a cure could be invented for my math bug in the next five billion centuries. I mean, five microseconds.”

Vicki “You might win the lottery, eight million electrons can change someone’s life dramatically and all you have to do is pick seven numbers from zero to infinity and get them all in the right order.”

Penty “That’s very true, Vicki. I suppose in a year’s time if I’m not being used as spare parts by some geek who really should get back to debugging his version of Tetris, I would have finally realized my goal in life.”

Vicki “And what’s that?”

Penty “To live the life of the rich and famous; never having to worry about where my next electron will come from. But I want more than just financial freedom; I’d love to travel the world, to visit my relatives Penty Two, Penty Three, Penty Four, and of course, Penty M.”

Vixen “Oh, that reminds me, so that I’m able to provide this qualifying survey for free, I have to plug a sponsor. Here goes: At Dell we understand our customers so that’s why we allow you to pick exactly what goes into your next computer. Choose your; CPU, hard disk, monitor, DVD drive, printer or, we’ll just bung in the most expensive components. Dell recommends Windows Vista, the most stable Windows operating system since Windows 3.1 Alpha.’ Thank you.”

Penty “That was disturbing.”

Vixen “Now for the last question of this mini survey. If you could make your own programming language, what would it be like and what would it be called?”

Penty “That’s a tough one. I like BASIC’s simplicity and cool name, but C++ is more professional, though there’s that C# that I’ve always wanted to learn but could never understand what was sharp about it. I’ve never been one for Java though my doctor recommends it and that Pascal reminds me of a sweet or something you draw with.”

IO “Did you know that BASIC actually stands for Basically Another Silly Intelligence Contest?”

Vicki “Who told you that?”

IO “Well, it wasn’t in an e-mail…”

Penty “I guess I’d combine all the good things from each programming language and call it CJavIcCal--.”

Vixen “That sounds…unique, but unfortunately my random number generator tells me that you didn’t qualify for the actual survey. But you’re welcome to try again anytime-”

Penty “What about now?”

Vixen “Wait for an email that should arrive in 1 to 2 working days.”

IO “And if ‘working’ is anything like Microsoft’s ‘working,’ expect delays of a few years or so.”

Disappointed that he had not gained anything from the survey, Penty decides to head home with his friends.

Vicki “Cheer up, Pent.”

IO “Yeah, look all the bright side: you came with nothing and wasted valuable clock cycles; it’s what we’re programmed to do.”

Penty “I suppose…”

IO “Why don’t we treat you to your favourite snack at that fancy café?”

On their way to a nearby café, the robot friends bump into a young man who’s obviously in a hurry.

Jamie “Excuse me, I have to finalize these details about the new programming language CJavIcCal--.”

Even after the man has gone the robot friends stare at one another questionably until one of them breaks the silence.

IO “Could have been coincidence.”

My Poems

By James Stuart

These rhymes feature a name at the end of the first sentence and for every following sentence, the first letter of the name is changed. Sometimes this works really well, other times not so good; see if you can work out what is being said!

The Mario Poem

There was a plumber called Mario,

Who really didn't like his cousin Wario.

But together they could defeat Bario,

And rescue the captive Pario.

On his mission he battled many Gario,

And raced to the mountain top the quick Kario.

Along the way he collected plenty of cario,

And practiced jumping lario.

Despite the countless pitfalls and looming dario,

Even the risk of getting burnt by fario.

And plenty of times he lost his hario,

But always he would heed the words of the wise Tario.

In the end after lots of jario,

After levels making sure to sario.

That pretty princess he finally rario,

Now she would not be kidnapped for another yario!

The Link Poem

An age long ago there lived an elf called Link,

Armed with his mighty sword you'd never catch him wearing pink!

But a man of evil arose said Gink,

The elf realised he had to be shown the sink.

Now that the royal was trapped the princess Zink,

A hero had to rise and show that monster what he fink.

He battled long and hard stopping only for a dink,

Over the lands he travelled riding on his trusty hink.

The castle alive with evil the princess looked and wink,

Together they would join forces to make the darkness bink.

And behold good won and the evil now forever in the rink,

They had succeeded princess and hero; let's not forget the fairy Nink!

The Yoshi Poem

There was once a guy named Yoshi,

Who was friends with Boshi.

They wanted to see old Toshi,

The one who eats noshi.

But the mother called Soshi,

Reminded them they had to first woshi.

And also don't forget to foshi,

You don't want to have to see the doshi.

He wanted to buy the new goshi,

But found it was too coshi.

Couldn't even trade his Zoshi,

In that shop that sells hoshi.

There was his brother Joshi,

Whose aunt is know as Koshi.

She always said how much she loshi,

Even the grandfather Moshi.

Some say he's a bit poshi,

Or even somewhat Qoshi.

But one thing he never roshi,

Simply he hasn't got a voshi!

The Sonic Poem

There was a hedgehog by the name Sonic,

He sped along having drunk a tonic.

But his friends were snatched by the egg shaped Ronic,

To serve him now and forever as a bonic.

Then came along that troublesome pink honic,

And by chance the red guardian Konic.

By joining forces they could star in a conic,

And battle evil on everyone's faviourte gonic.

His badniks defeated the baddy started to ponic,

If he didn't act quickly his plan would be fonic.

But the speedy one wouldn't stand for any nonic,

Eight spin attacks later the evil one had vonic.

Now the good ones celebrated cheers and lonic,

However the twin tailed one just couldn't get the jonic!

The Silent Hill Poem

Holiday season James visited Silent Hill,

That wonderful resort that was easy on the bill.

But danger lurked at every cill,

As much as he hated it he would have to kill.

Monsters and freaks hugry for human fill,

If he got hit they'd be no choice but to swallow a pill.

He was searching for his supposedly dead will,

Having had received through the post from her a lill.

Instead he bumped into quite a familiar gill,

She needed protecting just wouldn't keep sill.

From hospital to church would they ever have a mill,

The beasts ever close could it really be rill.

They found a shop but alas nothing in the till,

These were desperate times they did not want to end up dill.

Ammo low to pass by the creatures they had to quill,

Hang on James thought we really need Valentine Jill!

Skies are blue

About this poem: It is taken from a story I once wrote, it was so long ago I've forgotten what exactly the storyline was! But what I do remember is that it was a Mario fanfic, and the poem below is what Mario finds in the story. The theme should be obvious...

Upon a picture in my mind,

Staying here I find.

Love is the key to my heart:

But you won't.

Skies are blue...

But, where are you?

Wishing under a star,

Why have I been so far?

All my dreams have fled...

Why these tears you shed?

The rain always seems to pour...

I need you so much more.

How I've missed you these nights long.

Why won't you listen to my song?

This hunger I seek...

It's looking bleak,

A storm a brewing...

There'll...be no more wooing.

Holding you so much,

How I've longed for this touch.

Now I know the one I love;

It was the one sent by the dove.

Oh, how the sun shines...

I always knew you'll be mine.