Jokes by James S

Quotes

Can you work out what video games these quotes are referring to?

"The only hills best avoided are those that are silent."

"They warned me that evil was resident; I could see their disfigured faces all around me."

"The speeding hedgehog reached super sonic speeds in only seconds."

"These mortal fighters only knew combat as a way to solve their differences."

"The young lady was well equipped to raid yet another tomb for legendary treasures."

"Zelda was the princess' name, of a legend of long ago."

"They had many fantasies, but never where they final."

"So Mario asked his friends over to party!"

"He was like that kong from the movies, but more of a donkey up close."

"You'd never of thought that a bandicoot would star in a video game; and boy did he make a crash landing!"

"They finaly decided that collectively they would be known as bros., and from then on the super charged fighters would have a smashing time together."

"The multi-coloured pieces fell in columns, what a pretty sight."

My Quotes

"Either the computer is crashing or Windows Live has just signed in."

"Programming using DirectX is like stabbing your eyes while watching your favourite film."

"It's a Wednesday, let's see how Windows will misbehave today."

"Windows is like a virus that attacks itself."

Microsoft Windows Programming

(Added: 27/11/9)

I share with you the internal workings of Microsoft Windows used in all versions of their Windows operating systems.

Please note, the following is not really any programming used in any version of Windows as even Microsoft don't know what that is.

USB

This programming detects and handles USB devices:

if (USB.devicePluggedIn) { //Please no!

waitForFiveMinutes(); //Pretend the computer is doing something!

switch (USB.deviceType) { //Find out what has been plugged in

case flashDrive:

randomlyDeleteFile();

if (day==Wednesday && month==March && date==32) {

blowUpComputer(); //LOL!

}

break;

case printer:

if (uploadUsersVideoTheyDidntWantUploaded()) {

activatePrinter();

}

break;

case scanner:

if (!launchHaloGame()) { //We love it!

randomlyDeleteFolder(); //Next time you will get Halo!

break;

case teaMaker:

activateBoostMode(); //Yaaaaahhhhhhhhoooooooooooo!

gotToSleep();

break;

}

//Forgot to check there wasn't a problem, better check now

if (USB.error) { //There better not be an error!

switch (USB.errorType) { //Type of USB error

case notCompatible:

MessageBox("ONLY BUY MICROSOFT STUFF!","Microsoft Windows",OK_ILL_BUY_ONE_NOW);

break;

case glitchy:

//It's a Microsoft device!!!!!!!!!!!

MessageBox("Thank you for using Microsoft Products","Microsoft Windows",OK_ILL_BUY_ANOTHER_NOW);

break;

case ps3Controller:

if (day==Sunday) {

deleteFirst20Files(); //Let that be a warning!

}

else {

formatHardDriveNow(); //I bet you won't use Sony stuff again!

}

How to be a Microsoft Programmer

Only the best programmers are allowed to work for Microsoft and that's why they produce the best software, such as Microsoft Paint. There are seveal rules of how to be a Microsoft programmer and I share them with you here.

Use long variable names

Programmers need to remember what a variable does so long names are used such as:

int this_variable_is_used_to_keep_track_of_how_many_times_a_file_

was_opened_actually_I_remember_saying_to_bob_only_the_other_day

_how_I_kept_forgetting_what_this_variable_is_used_for;

Have loads of input parameters to functions

Functions have to do a lot of hard work so you need to tell them everything they need to know to get the job done. For example, this function draws a line:

bool drawLine(int start_X, int start_Y, int end_X, int end_Y, bool draw_line_enable, int colour_r, int colour_g, int colour_b, bool draw_line_correctly_please, bool delete_a_random_file, int draw_the_line_for_this_much_money, bool I_wont_tell_you_again);

Confuse other programmers when commenting as to what a function does

All programmers know that the magical // lets you add a comment, so be sure to give accurate details as to what's going on in your code:

void deleteFile(string filename, bool yes_really_delete_the_file, bool no_dont_make_a_backup)

{

//Lol, this function deletes a file! You'll never, ever get it back.

//Actually, were're not that sure if this function does delete a file, it

//might feed a family for a week. Oh well, I hear our master call; no

//one will try to delete a file anyway so no point in checking this

//function works as it should.

Use stupid names for variable types

Programming is a challenge, so as a Microsoft programmer you must think up not so obvious variable type names such as:

I_BET_YOU_CANT_GUESS_WHAT_THIS_TYPE_OF_VARIABLE_IS an_integer;

Themes in my Mario YouTube Videos.

* I often break the fourth wall and make references to things that would not exist at the time when Super Mario 64 was first released. For example, when Mario discovers that it's raining yellow and blue coins in Bob-omb Battlefield, he jokes that he can afford a Playstation 3 (and then corrects himself, realising that he still doesn't have enough money).

* Mario is 64 years old, the real reason for the 64 in Super Mario 64. It also takes Mario 64 years to rescue Princess Peach who thanks him by acting like a Snifit. Mario isn't actually that bothered about saving Peach and will happily nick (steal) coins instead. Mario likes to think he is tough but easily gets scared; his favourite course is Bob-omb Battlefield.

* Toad #1 is called Alfie and he is located as soon as you enter the castle and he always greets Mario with "Oh...oh...Mario!" He wants nothing more than for Mario to save Peach but is he hiding something? Offering advise to the plumber hero, Toad #1, however, is not liked much by Mario who even kills him when he starts acting like a pond skater, but he returns.

Mario often jokes about Toad #1 not going anywhere else in the castle but one day Mario finds him outside the castle behaving like a Koopa shell, giving Mario another opportunity to destroy Toad #1 who returns again.

Alfie does not like his real name, possibly because Mario would find out who he really is.

* Toad #2 can be found in the room with the Jolly Roger Bay painting and he likes to sing. He doesn't like Mario and puts a curse on him which turns out not to be that bad.

* Toad #3 loves The Legend of Zelda, but prefers Twilight Princess to Ocarina of Time. He is in the Whomp's Fortress painting room. One day he reveals to Mario that his real name is Brent, Timothy, Chuck, Malcom, Biggin, Larry, Pete, Donald, Casper, John, Phillip, Jackson, Dillian, Norman, Gordon, Alan, Hugh, George, Dennis, Stephen, Paul, Daran, Frank, Bill, Jack. A few too many names for Mario he prefers to just call him Bob.

* Toad #4 is called Sam and she loves Mario very much, she has many of his merchandise. Sam is upstairs by the Bob-omb painting and is always pleased to see Mario who appears not to mind her.

* Toad #5 attempts an Italian accent and points out how plain sounding Mario is, considering he's meant to be Italian.

* Toad #6 is an Australian sounding Toad in the room with the clock.

* Fry and Laurie are two Thwomps who sound the same and live in Whomp's fortress near the metal cap box. They enjoy nothing more than pounding the ground which is basically all they can do anyway.

In one of my videos Mario thinks he has forgotten his legs but it turns out that the Toad called Sam has taken them. I got the idea for that video from the comedy A bit of Fry and Laurie in which Stephen Fry talks about the day he forgot his legs. Thus, I named the Thwomps Fry and Laurie after the show that gave me the idea for the video.

Jokes by me

Q: Who's faster, Sonic the hedgehog or the world's fastest train?

A: Train of course, Sonic doesn't actually exist.

Q: When's the safest time to use a computer running Microsoft Windows?

A: When it's off.

Q: Where did Micosoft get the idea for the name of their famous operating system?

A: Bill Gates was spying through a window when he got inspiration...

Q: What would you rather have if stranded on an island, a PC running Windows connected wirelessly to the internet or an electronic calculator?

A: The calculator will add up with no trouble, but the PC will just corrupt your files for the fun of it.

Q: Why was the Microsoft hospital not a success?

A: Doctor "I'm afraid your son has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down..."

Mother "But he was fine yesterday!"

Once upon a time there was a hedgehog called Sonic, an elf named Link, and a plumber known as Mario. They discovered a magical slide which would grant anyone whatever they wanted so as long as they said their desire while going down the slide. Sonic was first and he yelled "Rings!" as he went down the slide, and landed in a pile of magical gold rings. Link was next and he shouted "Rupees!" and fell in a vase full of rupees. Finally it was Mario's turn and so excited as he went down the slide that he could only manage "Weee!!". The plumber landed on a Nintendo Wii, broke his legs and sued Nintendo.

For every action there's an equal but opposite reaction. For example:

*The car goes forward suddenly and you fall backwards onto your seat.

*You turn on your computer and Windows crashes.

What type of account sounds good enough to eat? A current account.

Jokes by my friends

Thanks to pidayman for the following jokes:

Q: What happens to MIPS the rabbit in SM64 when you reverse-engineer his data?

A: You change his name to SPIM the rabbit.

Q: How did the Starman in the Super Mario Bros. series get its name?

A: When collecting a star in Super Mario Bros, the hippie who was playing the game would say, "I got a star, man."

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To attack Link.

Q: What is Ganon's favorite game show?

A: The Weakest Link

Link, on his way through all the temples as older Link, discovers he may not be getting some of the medallions. His clue: The yellow, red, and blue medallions had Mario's fingerprints on them.

Silly Warnings

We all know those strange warnings found on a number of items, such as that found on medicine designed for children, warning them not to drive after having swallowed the pills. Well, here are my own made up versions that just may of already been used, for real.

Instructions for an electric heater: 'Warning, may get hot when in use."

Nut heaven choclate bar; you won't find more nuts in any other sweet: 'Warning, may contain nuts.'

Video game console manual: 'It is advised to hold the controller in one's hands when using it.'

Attendant at KFC: 'Sorry, we don't do chicken.'

Car manual: 'It is advised to stop the vehicle when changing a tire.'

Dell laptop manual: 'If the laptop explodes suddenly then please do not be alarmed, that is supposed to happen. Enjoy using Dell computers.'

Zombie film notice: 'No zombies were harmed in the making of this film.' (Actually, I've seen this for real in the credits of some horror movies!)

Video Games News

***Tomb Raider Underworld worse than Angel of Darkness!***

Lara Croft: "I have to agree, although Angel of Darkness was a terrible game starring my evi twin sister, Underworld just takes the biscuit. The problem with game developers today is that they spend so much time on the graphics; why can't my games be more like Mario's?"

Sonic: "I think the real problem with Underworld is the camera angels, the camera often gets in the way and it's very frustrating when you're trying to jump off a high up ledge only to miss the next platform and fall to your death."

***Boy put in hospital by his X-BOX***

Boy: "I was playing my X-BOX 360 and suddenly it blew up! The hole house was consumed with flames; I grabbed the nearest gun and fled, shooting numerous zombie like creatures on the way trying to grab at me. I only had one chance to escape, I threw myself into the nearest car which started much to my amazement. But I realized that time was running out, I'd never earn that gold medal if I finished second..."

Lara Croft: "I now stock X-BOX 360s to use as explosives; I give them to people I really hate."

Bill Gates: "The X-BOX 360 contains an advanced chip which causes the console to explode after the guarantee expires. We got the idea from Dell, the similiar technology they use in their laptops."

***PS3 more powerful than God***

Sony: "Our latest console, which we struggled for a name for years, the Playstation 3 which gamers will naturally shorten to PS3 is more powerful than any super computer, maybe even God. It contains thousands of processors, more memory than what is used in a hundred computers and is so fast it can create a world in only seven pico-seconds. And not only that, the PS3 can play PS1 and PS2 games, Blu-ray and old DVD's and only cost your arms, legs and head. Beat that, Nintendo!"

Sega: "Sounds like our Dreamcast 2; well we never did a sequel so don't laugh. I can't wait to see Sonic take advantage of the PS3's amazing hardware as soon as Nintendo pay us."

Lara Croft: "Please let my next adventure on the new Playstation be much better than Angel of Darkness; I absolutely hate that game. People don't realize that I did not star in Angel of Darkness it was actually my twin evil sister who's not very good at acting."

Nintendo: "Sony think they will have players drooling over their PS3 but they're seriously mistaken. Instead of spending money on the latest hardware we took our Gamecube, put it into a different case, gave it a silly name and an excuse for people to wave a remote around. All we need now are Sega to lend us Sonic and then the Wii will be the most popular gaming system the world has ever seen!"

***Snake to beat up Mario and co. in Super Smash Bros. Brawl***

Mario: "Ooohhh... I'm really scared of a snake! I like, crush it with my foot! I think a blue hedgehog that wears red shoes and whose best friend is a twin-tailed fox has more of a chance of defeating me; like that'll ever happen!!!"

Lara Croft: "Snake was actually lined up for Super Smash Bros. Melee but he didn't make it because at the time he was too busy training. He's easily the best character in SSBB unless I was playable, hint, hint!"

Sandbag: "Nobody ever sees it from my point of view; here I am a lonely sandbag without a single friend and what purpose do I have in life except to fly like a bird only to land suddenly as if my wings had broken. If I had some arms and legs I'd get my revenge and one day that will happen!"

Snake: "Ooohhh... Like I'm scared of an overweight plumber, I'll crush him with my foot! Excuse me, while I save..."

Mario: "Snake, is everything OK Snake? Answer me snake... Snake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

***Mario and Sonic to star together in Mario and Sonic at the Olympics!**

Sonic: "I'm very excited to race against my best friend, Mario. We go back years, the press tried to make out that we hated each other but that just isn't true. Mario is actually a faster runner than I, but because he's from a different world to me he seems slower."

Mario: "I hate Sonic, he has those BIG eyes and small body with shoes bigger than his head. He copied my game so for that I don't want anything to do with him. I'm only racing with him in this game because Peach promised to bake me one of her lovely cakes if I be kind to Mr-I'm-so-fast-I-slow-down-time-when-I-run. But I swear, if he dare appear in another of my games I'll (censored, something about Sony)."

Link: "I begged to be in this game but Sega were worried that I might accidently throw my sword instead of that javelin thing. Sega did ask me if there was already a Sonic character like me, which was a bit strange..."

Peach: "Another chance to wear different clothes and appear before my loyal fans that I love so much! I like Sonic very much, sometimes I wish Mario looked a lot more like him... But as for that Amy stinging nettle (Rose) she really gets on my nerves, and why can't my skin be pink?"

Amy: "I'm not sure about that Mario or the turnip (Peach) princess; she probably lazes around in her castle all day sipping orange juice. The games should be fun, I've entered in all the ones that my boyfriend (Sonic) has, so if I should get kidnapped he'll be there to save me like the good old days when the Dreamcast had finally left Sega's drawing board and the PS2 was but a dream."

Sega: "We've worked hard to finish this game in time, in particular the camera angles will be better than ever. Mario is a welcome addition to the game, originally we wanted someone from Metal Gear Solid but we couldn't offer him enough money. Oh, there's just time to tell you about our new game starring an elf who has to rescue a princess from a horrible monster..."

Nintendo: "What? We never allowed Mario to appear in a Sonic game. That Sega, always trying to stab us in the back, will they never leave us alone! C'mon, what game would you rather play, Mario or Sonic; Zelda or Nights; Mario Kart or Sonic Kart (or whatever it was called)?"

Lara Croft: "No, I'm not in the game, I'm hunting for these rare chaos gems that apparently have amazing power."

Knuckles: "My head! Where did she come from...Took all the chaos...emeralds. This must be the work of Dr. Robotnik, I mean, Dr. Eggman."

***Sonic to faceoff with Mario and friends in Super Smash Bros. Brawl***

Sonic: "I couldn't believe my eyes as I scrolled down the page and saw myself staring back at me. I had to keep checking to make sure that it was true; Knuckles had texted me earlier to tell me the news but I thought he was pulling my leg until I saw the video on the website."

Some game magazine editor: "What did we tell you? We showed you a screenshot of Sonic in Smash Bros and how to unlock him, but everyone assumed we were talking about the Gamecube version."

Yoshi: "Yoshi! Yoshi! Yoshi!"

Mario: "If I had an X-Box right now it would be heading its way for Sonic's head."

Peach: "Do you like my new dress? At least that Amy isn't joining Sonic, is she?"

Zero Suit Samus: "There's also a +1 Suit Samus where my armor goes back on but for some reason I can't get it to work."

Lara Croft: "Wouldn't I be so cool in this game! My latest adventure is on the Wii, we'll it's actually an old game but you can do new things, apparently."

Knuckles: "Oh, my head, where am I? Am I supposed to be in this game? Hmm, I can see Sonic so maybe I'll hang around and see what all the fuss is about."

***Samus returns for the Wii.***

Samus: "Every forum I check out there's people moaning about the delay of Metroid Prime 3. C'mon, I can't be in two places at once; as soon as I've had a brawl with the Nintendo bros., that snake and a hedgehog, I'll be more than ready to blast yet more baddies into another dimension. And besides, I can't rush my nails, I have to look good for the next generation hardware."

Lara Croft: "I don't get what all the fuss is about some girl in a metal suit; you knew I was female frome the start even if I consisted of about five polygons. I could do Samus' job with my eyes closed...so-to-speak."

Bill Gates: "I just love playing Metroid, it's the BEST game in the world, so much better than Halo...What, it's made by Nintendo...? I hate Metroid!"

***Lara Croft goes back in time on the Wii***

Lara Croft: (Unavailable for comment)

Link: "Yeah, I remember playing Tomb Raider on my Saturn, so to see it return as an updated version for the Wii has given me a good enough excuse to search peoples' back gardens for rupees. Of course back then when the original version was released I was Young Link and could barely operate the controller but this time round I'll have more of a fighting chance of avoiding being crushed to death by a giant boulder."

Some sprite: "Who is that wierd kid that keeps nosing about outside my house, I swear he's up to something no good..."

Giant boulder: "I just love to play games! Whenever I see Lara I have the urge to chase her but she keeps running away... Maybe she doesn't find me attractive."

***Soul Calibur 4 NOT to be on the Wii***

Ivy: "I too was saddened that I would not be whipping people with my sword on the Wii, I was hoping to have a match with Mario and wipe that horrid smile off his face. Oh yes, there is Soul Calibur Legends on the Wii in which I'm supposedly playable but can it really be any better than the traditional beat-'em-up?"

Lizardman: "SOUL...CALIBUR...FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It will be just stupid in a few years time when we get to Soul Calibur 457, but I get paid enough to hack and slash people so I'm happy to continue to do what I do best."

Nightmare: "I really can't talk right now, I still shaken up from a horrible nightmare I had a couple of nights a go..."

Lara Croft: "I like that guy with the funy name, he's so serious yet deep down he's yearning for someone like me to look after him."

Link: "If I'm in Soul Calibur 4 I'll eat my Bombchu! I hated my time in Soul Calibur 2, all the other fighters were so mean to me. I want to go into some other fighting game, Maxi told me that I should fight with the guys from Mortal Kombat as apparently they're really easy to defeat. But I didn't get the joke Maxi told me: 'What colour does an elf bleed?'"

***Mario Kart on the Wii to feature not just karts***

Mario: "My kart was still being serviced by Captain Falcon when I received news on my DS that it was time yet again for one of those silly races on a stupid course like Mario Circuit or something. So I came up with the idea to use other vehicles for racing and now I've been thanked because of it."

Lara Croft: "If I had my own racing game I'd like to see that T-Rex in a kart!"

Peach: "I like motorbikes very much but they scare Mario so I try to keep quiet about that kind of thing... Snakes also scare him and talking hedgehogs..."

Rules of Grammar

* Aint aint a word.

* Don't short words 'cause it's hard to read.

* REMEMBER TO TURN CAPS LOCK off.

* Resist placing smiley faces at the end of sentences :-)

A Different look on life

* The only thing I ever learnt at school was that school is a place where you learn things.

* I'll only go to hospital if I get ill.

* The best things in life are free, like the internet.

* Blinking is for people who have nothing better to do.

* Eating is for selfish people.

* My faviourte programe on TV is on the snowy channel.

* I still can't find the Mushroom kingdom on any maps.

* Google should sort out its attitude; I think I now how 2 spel!

* Love lasts as long as you pay it.

Famous brands

Maplin

If you ever require an electronic device or just need some advice before buying then Maplin is the place to go. Here is an example of their great knowledge in the form of an FAQ on one of their products.

PP3 9V Battery

Manufacturer: LOL what?

Q) Is this battery powerful-Goku

A) About as powerful as Freezer.

Q) What is the voltage of this battery. Thanks-Bart Simpsn

A) About 5,000.

Q) Can this battery be used to take over the world-Bill Gates

A) The product does support that.

Q) Is this battery used in the ipod-hacker

A) Ummm...eh...see previous question..

Q) How old are you-Lilly

A) 26

Q) Does this battery contain electricity-AAA

A) The product does support that.

Q) Will you go out with me-Lilly

A) Ok, I finish work at 3

Q) Do you get sick of answering these FAQs-nerd

A) Not really, Maplin doesn't make much use of us robots anyway

How to Play Video Scripts

For those of you who have viewed my How to play... videos on YouTube here are the scripts:

How to Play SM64 Part 0

In my eagerness to exlain how to play this rather taxing video game I forgot to illustrate some more basic controls that will be fundamental to players of this game. Firstly, turn on your N64 by grasping the power switch and pushing upwards; the switch will lock into place without you having to hold it there. Some may find this procedure problematic should your house expierence a power cut or possibly the world is suddenly over taken by an alien race. Don't panic should that happen, I'm sure the big man in the clouds will lend you his N64.

Following a brief pause the N64 will show signs of life and proceed with checking that you have a geunine N64; should the software detect illegal hardware or software it will self destruct upon the showing of the dreaded rainbow screen of death. During the initialization of the game one must not be tempted to move the analogu stick or press any buttons on the controller as that will result in the deletion of your PayPal account.

An easter egg discovered in this game reqires that you wait at the title screen; after approximately 5 days, 33 minutes and 16 seconds a special game will appear in which Mario moves without any input from the user. Players have confirmed that there are several of these hidden games which can only be accessed at the title screen yet to date no one knows for sure what their true purpose is.

Pressing the round red button labelled START and centered on the controller will delete the annoying Mario-head that is a glitch left in from the early days of development. The file select screen is now shown that has countless features, too many to list here. You need to guide the glove-like sprite about the screen using the stick thing on your controller, careful not to touch the sides as to avoid having to start again. When you have aimed the hand well press either of the trigger buttons with careful timing and if by chance you destroy the correct box your game will begin.

This game features an advanced save feature allowing players to continue from when they last saved, a facility that even PC's have yet to reproduce in any form. One famous complaint concerning this game is that it has too many saves files, the reasoning being that the average player needs only 3 saves files and no more. There is a patch to remove the fourth save file which may be downloaded from the website: duh,duh,duh,duh...duh,duh,duh-duh,duh!.co.uk.com.net. It is recommended that one consumes tea while waiting for the download to finish especially for those unfortunate people with slow internet access speed of only 24 giga bits per second.

The START button that I previously mentioned also pauses the game; this is a very confusing concept as one would not claim to be a plumber and also a hero. As if by magic the game will seem to be in a pause state, however, this mode actually unlocks more features not available anywhere else. By pressing the stick thing you can move through the list of records that details your progress in the game of the various levels. Information stored includes the number of stars stolen, Mario's current age, your email address, how long you have played the game so far and any cheats you've unlocked.

If you should press the START button again the game will be restored, as if you had actually frozen time while the game was paused. Now you might like to try out the L button which calls for the assistance of Luigi if you have unlocked him otherwise it will blow up the game. Many players were convinced that the text on the star fountain revealed how to unlock Mario's shorter, uglier, fatter and slower brother Luigi. However, using a super computer so advanced it could play NES games flawlessly, the scanner showed that the text reads LOL. Since only Nintendo knows what LOL means, players have only unlocked Luigi using a strange device called an Equalizer.

That's it for part 0; be sure to keep playing this game even when asleep if you will ever have a hope of collecting all the stars, saving the princess and redecorating the castle. Next time, in part -1: Mario has a quiet word with Peach about the monster on the roof; Luigi admits that he's in love with Toadette; Bowsers speaks for the first time about how he was bullied at school for being different and MIPS the rabbit goes back to Alice in Wonderland.

It's a Strange World

Times when you stop and wonder, "Did I just hear right?!"

The Death of the Tip

While at Lowestoft on holiday, myself and my family had just finished eating our lunch from the Coffee Pot Cafe, sat outside as it was a nice day. Satisified with the meals, at the time of paying we decided to leave a tip, except the woman would not take one!

I've never before heard of anyone not accepting 'free' money; if someone handed you some money for nothing, wouldn't you take it?

Too Many

Doesn't everyone like a bargain, getting more for their money? At a carboot sale, there were these gel pens for sale, 30 for just a £1, you could even try them out. But a mature woman said she wanted only 15 for £1, because 30 was "too many."

Surely if you had too many you could give the extra ones away, or sell them...

Now You Can't Smoke...Even Though You Couldn't Anyway

Since the smoking ban in the UK was enforced it is now illegal for anyone to smoke in a public place unless they're willing to pay the fine or even end up in prison. Churches are of course public places but because of the ban on smoking there has to be no smoking signs in churches even though you couldn't smoke there before the ban anyway. Do they think people will take up smoking in public places now that there is the ban in place?!

Alternate Lyrics

Note: The title of the original song and who wrote/sung it is within the brackets. All the alternate lyrics were created by me, James S. Please enjoy!

(Love is Blind-Bee Gees) Koopa is Kind

A silent DS, a lonely gamer, I didn't mean to wake Mario, I was leaving the castle anyway.We never asked Bowser why, he only made Peach cry. When the day becomes a night. And all the magic Link has left is scattered on the wind.

Didn't I trade you all that Ryo could bring. Didn't I give you more than Chao could sing. You know it hurts to end the level like this, when we've played so far.

Don't tell me Bowser is kind. 'Cause I know what Luigi sees. Tell me how you rescue another princess when all you've known is Peach.

And all that Mario might have been. And what Nintendo left out. Don't ever let a living koopa tell you he is kind.

Memories of other games, playing like we're in the 80's. Using your controller. And we would buy from Game like days of old. We had a voucher to buy and hold.

Now we see the empty shop. The manager is gone, the empty wage. The fights between the lines. Save me from restarting the level. Try to stop Sony from remembering.

Acting like there's no glitches, when there's only Eidos. So tell me how to program. Tell me what to debug. Tell me how to get the level select in the wrong order whe all I see is Sonic. Paintings on the walls. Yoshi on the castle. Never let a living Koopa tell you he's kind.

(Three Times a Lady-Lionel Richie) Three Times a Vampire

Well, fangs for the bodies you have given me. The killings are all in my mind. But now that we've come to the end of our murders. There's something I must cry out loud.

You're once, twice, three times a vampire. And I bite your neck. You're once, twice, three times a vampire. And I bite your neck.

When we are slaughtering together. The blood I cherish. With every beat of my heart. To slice, to dice, to hear their screaming. No undead can tear us apart.

You're once, twice, three times a vampire. And I bite your neck. You're once, twice, three times a vampire. And I bite your neck.

(Grief Never Grows Old-Mike Read) Glitches Never Grow Old

Mario: Glitches never grow old, they never die;

As fresh as the Pirahna plants. As clear as the skies.

My stomach, it is empty. My pizzas grown cold.

Mario & Sonic: But I'll always remember. Glitches never grow old.

Amy: Love lives like a Sonic. He runs really fast.

Eggman: It flares with a blueness, that bewilders my eyes.

Amy: But there is a burning, so deep in my ears.

That will always be with me. Glitches never grow old.

Yuji Naka: Glitches never leave you. It's hand in hand.

Like an unresolved external function, I can't understand.

Bill Gates: And no one can answer. I just can't say.

Why glitches never grow old at all, or gets debugged away.

Leon S. Kennedy: Zombies now move like the wind. The moment Capcom gave.

Birds fly like an eagle. Biting from baby to adult.

Yuji & Leon: Through herbs for your dying. No chickens of gold.

Yuji Naka: Though all variables must pass away. Glitches never grow old.

Yuji & Leon: Glitches never leave you. (It never leaves YOU.)

It's hand in hand. (It's hand in YOUR hand.)

Yuji & Gates: Like an unresolved external function. We can't understand.

Apple & Dell: And Microsoft won't answer. Bill just won't say.

Apple & Pentium Chip: Why glitches never grow old at all. Or gets debugged away.

Glitches never grow old.

Typewriter & Green Herb: Glitches never grow old. They fall with the zombies.

It's a late summer beating. A haunting Big Boo.

And BSOD's are an ocean, as glitchy and as blue.

As the illegal operations remind me. Glitches never grow old.

Glitches never grow old.

Bill Gates will always remember. Glitches never grow old.

(Way We Were) The Way Programs Were

Bill Gates: Bugs. In the corners of my software.

Yuji Naka: Glitchy-buggy coloured bugs.

Gates & Yuji: Of the way we programmed.

Yuji Naka: Scattered functions, of the variables we left behind.

Bill Gates: Programs we gave to one another, for the way we programmed.

Yuji Naka: Can it be that programming was so simple then?

Bill Gates: Or has Yuji re-written every line?

If we had the chance to program Sonic all over again.

Yuji Naka: Tell me, would we? Could we?

Bill & Yuji: Bugs, may be glitchy and yet.

Yuji Naka: What's too hard to program.

Bill Gates: We simply choose to leave out.

Yuji Naka: So it's the level select.

Bill Gates: We will program.

Yuji Naka: Whenever we program...

Bill Gates: The way programs were...

The way programs were...

(Tears-Bee Gees) Sprites

I started out to be the console behind the scenes. Knowing the DVD player was above my head. For all my chips could render. I never saw 100, 000 polygons. Now I'm cancelled.

Sega only knows how much I'm missing gamers. Knowing that I had Sonic in my ports. And there will be sprites. Sprites mixed with transparency. Keeper of my GPU.

Time and Sega's money is on my side, It lasts five minutes. There will be Nights (?) and yes there will be sprites.

I will not turn off tonight. There will be sprites tonight. I will not turn off tonight. There will be sprites tonight.

The silent modem, The turning of the screwdriver. It's still inside of me, I'm not ashamed.

For all my circuits could do, I can't forget Amy's face. I call your address. Sega only knows what I've been glitching for, what I'm programmed for. And all I've done to keep Sega alive. Sounds mixed with samples. Keeper of my SPU.

There will be Nights (?) and yes there will be sprites. I will not turn off tonight. There will be sprites tonight. I will not turn off tonight. There will be sprites tonight.

(For Whom the Bell Tolls-Bee Gees) For Whom the Phone Rings

I make crumble in the night, never really knew what it would have been like. You no longer there to make the pie. I'm still in tonight. I'd spice it every night but it wouldn't cook through. I never saw the burning. You're the last to know when ice cream is warm.

All the pears and the apple cakes when I could not cook for no one. Didn't stop and take a look at the recipe and see the extra cream.

Chorus:

When the lonely chef cooks, is the one that bakes. It's the pastry that we stole. And I'm drinking more, than the maid that will pour. There's a hole in my doughnut. For you it's 9.99, for me it's a job. For whom the phone rings.

Seen you in a magazine, a picture at a restaurant where you shouldn't have been. Lining the stomach of someone else. I'm still cooking for you. Won't you come back to your little chef blue. I've come to bake inside, this underpaid job was never mine. Now I know but a little too late that I could not cook without you. In the oven or on the BBQ. I promise I'll be there.

Chorus

Now I know there'll be no more customers. When I couldn't cook for no one. Am I never gonna find someone who pays me like you do. Are you leaving me a helpless cef when it took so long to employ me. Fight the bank and the deep empty wallet. I'll cook for you anywhere. I promise I'll be there.

Chorus

(More Than a Woman-Bee Gees) More Than a Princess

Oh, princess, I've known you very well. I've seen your polygon count grow in every game. I never really liked your hair before but now blonde takes my breath away. Suddenly Bowser kidnaps you, part of everything he does. You got me rescuing you day and night, just trying to keep a hold on you.

Here in your strawberry cakes I found my paradise, my only chance to be fed. And if Bowser kidnaps you now I think I would starve. Oh, say you'll always be my princess; we can make the stars shine. We can take forever, just a game at a time.

More than a princess, more than a princess to me. More than a princess, more than a princess to me.

Oooh.

There are Yoshi stories old and true of people so in love like you and me. And I can see myself falling, let the level repeat itself. Reflecting how I feel for you, thinking about those toads. Then I know that in a thousand worlds I'd fall in love with you again.

This is the only way that Mario should fly; this is the only way to go. And if I lose you I know I would die. Oh, say you'll always be my princess; we can make the stars shine. We can take forever, just a game at a time.

More than a princess, more than a princess to me. More than a princess, more than a princess to me.

(Blue Island-Bee Gees) Our Princess (Dedicated to Super Mario 64)

Living in a world that Bowser reigns. You where there to try and defeat him. You could be the hero that saves the princess. And fighting how you've never done before. Taking every pipe that leads to the shore. You could be the golden star that leads to Whomp's Fortress. Take me to your princess, see you soon princess.

You can see the toads, you can feel their pain. That no part of me is going through. Everybody say, we can find Mario. Do you know where he lives? You're gonna rescue the princess.

This is what the lonely Bob-omb must know, this is what it takes to make them explode. You could be the plumber alone, but you may save the princess. Maybe it's the signs that mean go this way, there but for the grace of Peach go I. I can see an open castle that leads to the princess.

Take me to your princess. See you soon princess. Take you home princess.

Our princess.

(Love So Right-Bee Gees) X-Box So Right

She came on like a huge box and she gamed just right, And the world was right when she generated Sonic for me. We were playing. She connected to the internet, started charging me. And I thought I'd found my heaven in her cables.

But the moment when I switched games, I opened her and she had scratched my disc. Now I'm suing 'soft. Maybe you can tell me how a X-Box so right, Can turn out to be so wrong.

Where did she go when I needed my console so close to me. And the perfect racer ended at the start. I thought you came forever and you came to break my discs. Now I'm hanging on, on the chance you'll be repaired.

How an X-Box so right can turn out to be so wrong, my darling.How an X-Box so right can turn out to be so wrong, my darling.

I could take it in my bank account. Start paying next year. Maybe all the bugs were never there. Simply open up the console and break it down to size.

It isn't really fair.

How an X-Box so right can turn out to be so wrong, my darling. How an X-Box so right can turn out to be so wrong, my darling. How an X-Box so right can turn out to be so wrong, my darling.

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