10.1 A kink in the link: distress causes tangled communication
In the introduction to the 6th edition of a well known book Speech Correction, principles and methods, its author Charles Van Riper writes: " If there is any real hope for mankind in these troubled times it is to be found in the ... belief that somehow we must change this planet from a polluted sphere into one where man can fulfill his destiny with some grace. We are sickened from the ugliness in which we live and die. We are appalled by the way we have raped the good earth and anointed its wounds with human waste. We protest the human cruelty and exploitation we see all about us. We are angry with those who preceded us for handing down to us this heritage, and we are utterly determined to reverse this evil course, for we see very clearly where it will end....There are many kinds of pollution, and some of the worst are those that reflect man's inhumanity to man."
Pain and avoidance belong together. Anticipation of pain calls for avoidance. People inflict pain on others to coerce them, to dominate, to control. An infant or child who suffers under domination and is threatened with pain, learns to fear the parent who forces his will upon the child. It also learns to avoid pain by dissociating from its body, by negating and repressing feelings. This may cause grave problems with communicating later in life.
Why have physicians, nurses and clergymen often averted their eyes and closed their ears to signs that betrayed the presence of family violence? They had access to the homes whose inhabitants were engaged in offensive struggles that often resulted in a child being physically and mentally bruised. Perhaps they thought it was not their business, perhaps they were too scared to take action, perhaps they were passive out of fear to be turned away. Novelists on the contrary have been keen to observe rough family situations: malice and hate developing, the more fierce when the members of a family are accomplices in a deadly game of humiliating each other. It has produced masterpieces of theatrical tragedy, cinema of the highest level, enjoyment and shuddering for the millions. This in itself is bizarre: several sectors in literature and art and the entertainment industry thrive on human oppression and suffering, satisfying curiosity and a passion for excitement. It is odd that novelists signal the entanglements of society and family life, that scientists write studies intended to understand and improve the situation, and that individual cases of mistreatment often go unnoticed.
Alice Miller (1980) has written about the harmful effects of cruelty and oppression, as exerted in normal education, at least what was still considered as normal in many families in the sixties. Absolute obedience was maintained by an occasional beating, humiliation was a daily practice. It includes: punishing by inflicting pain, locking up, verbal threats. When the child is older: sexual exploitation, incest and terrorisation. In a subtle form: the child is never allowed to choose, decisions are taken without explication or consent. In nature, and also in human nature, it is a law that the strong dominate the weak. This law tends to repeat itself over the generations. As the parents act out what they have experienced when they themselves were young, the practice is firmly established as a cultural heritage. Even though there have always been more enlightened educators, we can expect the practice to continue for many generations to come.
In this chapter we are concerned with the consequences later in life for victims of violence, especially with respect to their mode of communicating. The beatings and accompanying verbal abuse have established feelings of guilt that keep popping up later in life in situations that remind of similar situations in childhood. This undermines the self confidence of the victim and repeatedly prompts one to be apologetic and to shun responsibilities. Others will unconsciously try to liberate themselves from these negative feelings by energetically punishing themselves and others for their past sufferings: their spouses, their children, their therapists. A few examples of unexpected and absurd behaviour will suffice as a warning not to think lightly of the kinks in the communication lines linking humans.