Coping with Grief
Grief can be particularly challenging to cope with. I have personally always loved Dr. Tonkin's theory of grief that grief doesn't shrink over time, but rather we grow around it. We will never truly "move on" or forget the grief. Instead, we will learn to cope with it and as time goes on and we grow more, the symptoms and feelings of grief will begin to ebb and flow rather than being constant as they often are when the loss first happens. It's also important to keep in mind that grief is not always a result of death of a loved one. Grief reactions can also occur after a divorce or major breakup, loss of job or opportunity, and even anticipatory grief once diagnosed with a terminal or life-threatening illness.
Stages of grief
It can be important to recognize the stages of grief to normalize the experience and symptoms if they arise, but know that not everyone goes through all the stages, It's also not a linear process that necessarily goes in order, and sometimes people can go back and forth between stages
Denial: It's common to not fully accept that someone is gone upon first finding out about a loss. This can also come into play if someone is denying their true feelings about the grief and pretending everything is fine when in reality it isn't.
Anger: It's also common to be angry when someone passes away. Some people may have anger toward the unfairness of losing someone/the situation in general. Others may hold anger toward themselves if they're carrying guilt over past situations or even anger toward the person who passed away for "leaving them."
Bargaining: Bargaining comes into play with replaying thoughts of "if only I had done this, things would have been different." Some people with a religious or spiritual background may try making actual bargains with a higher power - i.e. "if you take the pain of this grief away, I will start going to church again."
Depression: Individuals often feel some symptoms of depression after losing someone. These symptoms can include crying, hopelessness, issues with sleep and/or eating, negative thinking about the future, etc.
Acceptance: Acceptance is the eventual goal and shouldn't be mistaken for "moving on" or "healed." Rather, acceptance is knowing that the situation that led to the grief cannot be changed and realizing that we have the tools to cope with it and grow around it.
Coping with Grief
Journaling: Journaling can be a particularly helpful coping skill during times of loss. Journal prompts can include recalling positive memories of loved ones, free writing about feelings and reactions to grief, writing a letter to the lost loved one, etc.
Leaning on loved ones for support: It's especially important to express your needs to others during times of grief. Everyone grieves differently. Some people like to talk about their feelings and about the person who passed away. Others want to grieve on their own time and rely on others for distraction. Telling others what you're hoping for ("I'd really like a shoulder to cry on," or "I just need to get my mind off things. Can we talk about something else?", etc.) is the best way to be on the same page and get the support you need. Try not to assume people don't care if they aren't reaching out. Again, everyone grieves differently, and some people may assume you want space or not know what to say.
Preparing for holidays: Holidays, birthdays, major life events, and anniversaries can be challenging when experiencing grief. It can sometimes be helpful to have a plan ahead of time if you know one of those days is coming up. The plan can be for extra self-care and/or for a way to incorporate the person into the day such as carrying their photo, leaving an empty chair for them at the celebration, releasing lanterns or balloons, etc.
Finding ways to keep the person close: While nothing can replace a person's physical presence with us, sometimes thinking of some ways to make them feel close to us can add some comfort. This could be done by keeping some of their belongings if possible, listening to their favorite music or watching their favorite show or movie, decorating your space with the person's favorite things (sportsgear from a favorite team, favorite flower or color, etc.), or making a favorite dish they made or enjoyed.
seek more support if-needed
Lightways is a local organization that provides grief support free of charge to families and individuals. They offer a variety of support groups, events, and individual and family grief counseling.
To set up an appointment, contact Patrice Martin, LCSW, Director of Grief Support Services, at 815-460-3282 or griefsupport@lightways.org