Extraterrestrial Beans TM
“King Fungoid” or “What a drag it is getting mold”.
Space - Where no one can hear you fart.
Space, deep and way out there. Dramatic, ominous music is playing. The scene opens with the “can-o-beans” space ship being pursued by a huge, mean looking, alien vessel shaped like a torpedo with ears and a fuzzy tail. Explosions flare on the screen and we see comic book-like words appear as well - ZAP! BANG! BLAST! etc.. Remember, we’re in space and no one can hear you fart.
NARRATOR (Mr. Green Beans) We see Mr. Green Beans as he pops into the scene against a backdrop of stars. He greets the viewers with a robust “Hidey-Hidey—Ho, Mammals!” He then ‘morphs’ into an impersonation of Rod Sterling “ The story you are about to see is not true. The channel should be changed to protect the innocent. We find the first interstellar “can-o-beans” ship fleeing from the otherwise friendly “Rabbons.” Insulted that the ‘Beans’ are stinking up their quadrant of the galaxy. Of course, the Beans, having no noses, can’t smell, and have no idea what upset the furry little mammaliens. “Smell? What smell?!?” Looks like our little legumes are in deep doo-doo this time! It’s a tale that can only happen in the Fartlight Zone.”
Play Intro and Opening Credits
A series of quick scenes showing the building and launching of many space ships, all exploding in increasing succession until it looks like fireworks, ooohhhs and aaawwws can now be heard. Extraterrestrial Beans theme song plays.
NARRATOR (Mr. Greenbeans), in a dramatic voice full of conviction:
Extraterrestrial Beings!… clears throat, Extraterrestrial Beans… Never really meant for space travel, beans being highly un-adaptable, just figured their mission would fail like the 2,383 before them. But they never figured on the iron will of Commander B., navy bean, a decorated veteran of the infamous “canning wars” he still carries a wound from his tour.
Zoom in on the commander’s wound - a fork in the butt!
And now they will boldly go and do things that no ‘bean’ has ever, ever,
Sound of ruffling pages, and in a low voice…
Uh hum, in space and,… See what’s out there, and do things that no ‘Bean’ has ever seen or done before… in space, where this is their first…
Cut to interior of Rabbon ship, shows a scan of the bridge.
“Yo, Fuzzy the bunny, whack them beings. I’ll teach ‘em to come ‘round our turf!” Fuzzy replies, “Bungotti, I tink dem’s be beans, not beings” “Fuggetaboutit, whack ‘em good!”
(All the Rabbons, of course have clothespins on their sensitive noses.) The Rabbons all start jestering and yelling in their native tongue,as they become infuriated they shed their benign exterior and change into hideous Evil Goon Rabbons, embarking on their mission to destroy the Beans…
NARRATOR: Cute little li’l buggerz ain’t they? Will our beans become bean stew? Stay stewed, uh, tuned.
Interior of the bean’s tin can, I mean spaceship. Constructed as if out of kitchen utensils and leftovers being held together with tape & string and all manner of paste. Pandemonium reigns, ‘beans’ of all sizes and shapes run (Beans having no legs hover and propel themselves by emitting small “jet” propulsions.) helter-skelter – Beandemonium, situation normal, thank, you. One ‘bean’ in close-up, screams into the camera. “Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!”
Panning around to the front, we see Commander B., deep in thought. We’re guessing that he’s thinking anyways.
“Hmmm, maybe some farton torpedoes will liberate us from this fuzzy threat.” He says.
NARRATOR: That ain’t gonna happen - watch.
Close-up of “Numb-er 2” (get it?). In a dry, precise voice, Numb-er 2, the only bean with any sense at all, interrupts the captain’s uh, reflective moment.
“Commander, I believe you used all the farton torpedoes trying to write your name in the sky in the Campbell’s Nebula, thus causing intergalactic incident # 619.”
NARRATOR: see, I told ya.
“NO torpedoes! Well, make some more, Numb-er 2!” Must I think of everything around here?” #2 responds. “Actually, Commander, the most reasonable course of action would simply be, to go faster.”
The Commander stares at #2 with a blank look. #2 tries to clarify his position -
“ The concept is well known, and used often in battle. We increase our speed, putting distance between ourselves and the enemy, thus allowing us to safely get away."
Still a blank look...
Mr. Green Beans, communications officer, suddenly turns into a version of Groucho Marx and quips, “Well folks, it looks like the lights are on but nobody’s home.”
Enraged, the Commander catapults a mechanical fist out of nowhere (complete w/ a boxing glove), and pulverizes Mr. Green Beans.
NARRATOR: Looks like anger management courses are in order here.
Spotty, the ships engineer, appears on the view screen, seen from behind.
“Ahh, one o’ these buttons might work...”
“Spotty report!” Commander B. barks via the intercom from the bridge.
“I hear ya talkin’ Commander, but where are ya?” asks Spotty quizzically.
Spotty turns around and appears on the screen so we can see his big goofy eyes. Completely incompetent Spotty is the embodiment of a high school janitor, slow, and mostly impaired.
“Hello, Commander where are ya?”
(NOTE: Spotty and the other beans have mechanical arms which mysteriously appear when needed and disappear afterwards. These mechanical arms also have the ability to continue on with their present task alone, if the bean walks away.)
Just then two Rabbon torpedoes rock the ship. Spotty is thrown to the floor. We cut back to the bridge. Mr. Green Beans does his robot from Lost in Space thing.
“Danger, danger, we’ll probably run!”
The explosions remind everyone - OK they remind Numb-er 2, the seriousness of their predicament. The background music increases in tempo -dun-dundunn... Numb-er 2 looks quizzingly at the Commander. “Commander?’
“I got it!” announced the Commander “We’ll just outrun them!”
He shoves Numb-er 2 out of the way by bouncing into him.
“Spotty, We need more power!”
Cut to an exterior shot showing the huge Rabbon Star fighter closing in on the beans tiny ship.
All the beans on the bridge watch in horror as the enemy ship closes in and ‘de-clokes’ to reveal it’s huge menacing true state. H2O3Niner, the ship’s navigator, chronic liar & pasta cook, comments in his Rocky Balboa voice -
“YO Boss, I dunno, uh, but this ain’t lookin’ good.”
Of course since he’s an Italian jumping bean, he’s bouncing all the time. Numb-er 2 recaps his original position noting that more power would really help since they really need to go faster or end up as bunny brunch. Commander B. responds
“Right, right! More power Spotty, now! Give her everything you’ve got! Super-real fastest speed drive 10! (That’s pretty darn fast.)
Spotty responds (in his English accent)” Blimey, Commander, We’ll need more power!”
NARRATOR: Give me a break.
All eyes are on the Commander. They all are ready to spring into action. We zoom in on our fearless leader. You can almost smell the intensity building around him. Striking a gallant pose (like when Washington was crossing the Delaware), He raises his arm, in determination, oh yeah, he doesn’t have any, and announces
“All beans to the pot!”
NARRATOR: Kid's, you’re not going to believe this!
As alarms blare, the lights dim and overhead red warnings signals flash. We see beans from all over the ship running to a central location. Mr. Green Beans as Howard Cosell begins his play by play:
“What a call! The Bean team is pulling out all the stops. This game is really heating up...”
Someone grabs him and whisks him away. We soon learn that this is the bathroom where they deliver their own special way of powering the ship into hyper drive. No one is sure why or how this works but it does...AND HOW!! A rip-roaring explosion is heard as the bathroom doors bulge comically, almost off their hinges, and return. Silence momentarily, then the sound of toilets flushing.
NARRATOR: See, told ya so!
PPPWWWWPTTTTP! (Sound effects)
The Bean ship opens up to reveal huge engines, a huge blue flame shots out of the rear of the ship...
...And they achieve explosive SUPER _ REAL FASTEST SPEED! Mr. Green Beans exclaims in his best Elvis impersonation
“Yo mama, this rusty old crate ain’t no pussycat” as the force of the increasing speed elongates his form before we see him disappear.
A farting noise (appears on the screen as a word), then hyper drive kicks in (WHOOSH) and they disappear...
NARRATOR: That’s rude.
Leaving the Rabbon ship eatin’ their dust (planting soil?).
Inside the bean ship we see H2ONiner hitting the brakes, and we hear a squeal (yeah, like a car makes).
We cut to an exterior shot and see parachutes pop from the back of the ship. A stop sign appears in space as the ship screeches to a halt. We cut inside and see all the beans pasted flat against the view screen, as victorious music plays.
We switch to a soothing classical score as all the beans ‘pop’ back into shape. Numb-er 2 is the first to regain his composure and speak.
“Well done Commander, it would seem we are out of danger for...” “Oh Mother Bean, what the heck is that?!!,” screams an unseen bean.
Everyone looks around for the source.
NARRATOR: Now who said that and what are they talking about?
H2O3Niner, our navigator exclaims,
“Yo, Boss catch a visual on this my man, looks like a big dirt ball, maybe...”
He looks around suspiciously suspecting he may be right - and that would be strange. We now go to the view screen, which clearly shows a green fuzzy planet on the horizon.
NARRATOR:(As Rod Serling). Our friends are about to embark on a strange voyage; it’s going to be weird, very weird. For this is no ordinary voyage, it is a trip into an unusual place, a place not only of time, but also of mind, for they are about to enter - orbit around a planet, I guess.
“A planet, Commander”, announces Numb-er 2, casting a disgusted look at H2ONiner.
“An uncharted planet in the galaxy Fungi, if my calculations are correct.”
Commander B., looking at the screen, puzzled, completely ignoring #2 -
“If I know anything, I know outer space, Numb-er 2. Probably a planet.”
Numb-er 2 eyes him in disbelief.
“Take us closer, Niner,” announces the commander.
“Um, yeah, right-on, there boss, yep, we’re on our way now.” Replies Niner. Under his breath we
hear him mutter,
“Closer, closer, none o’ these stinkin’ buttons says closer.”
As he fumbles at the controls, Numb-er 2 rolls his eyes.
The ship somehow drifts miraculously into orbit around the planet. We watch as it fills the screen. Ecstatic at his accidental good fortune, Niner announces proudly
“Yo, lookithat! There ya go, bossman, sir!”
The Commander stares at the screen, checking his reflection. Numb-er 2 leans on the control panel and focusing intently on the commander says,
“Commander, our mission is clearly spelled out. We must blend down to the surface and search for life.”
Mr. Green Beans immediately appears between them as Igor,
“Yes. Yes master- we need life, new life.”
The Commander of course socks him again. Then says with authority:
“Looks like our chance to boldly go and explore new dirt balls. Prepare to blend, Spotty!”
Spotty responds, “Bloody well right, Commander.”
The Commander assumes his role as, well, The Commander. As the Commander calls each name we see close ups of each character.
Numb-er 2, Doc, Niner, Mr. Green Beans and you, Pooper, Get ready to blend down to the surface.”
Pooper (A re-fried bean) is not as confident as the Commander. But then he is the infamous “5th crewman,” doomed from the start.
Pooper, nervous and sweating,
“Whoa! Captain Daddy-O, love to make that scene dude, but uh, I’m cool with it man, but ya know it just ain’t happenin’, I gotta groove goin’ here and uh, nope, to far out for me, gotta pass, don’t forget ta write…!”
In the background we see Mr. Green Beans playing a violin to Pooper’s whining.
“POOPER!, That’s enough. Beans to the blending room!” roars Commander B.
Bummer man…” whines Pooper.
The beans all arrive in the “blending room.” Pooper is about to explode from panic. His eyes are huge and bulging and he’s shaking. The Professor, an ancient and unknown species of bean, appears on the video screen.
“...AHH... Commander, ...before you go, you must realize I have calculated the sphere below would contain unstable and potentially pelligro elements, the deceasium theory holds that these elements can be...
“Not now Professor, we’re busy.” Snaps the captain.
The Professor continues...
“Potentially fatal for beans...” The Commander snaps off the video screen. Pooper screams.
NARRATOR: The infamous 5th crewman, think he’s gonna enjoy this trip?
We now cut to the blender, an exquisite low-tech marvel. Giant blades hover over the beans in a dimly lit room. The Commander’s hair is tossed about. Yep, you guessed it, when Spotty turns it on (he always winces when he does this) the beans are sucked up, minced thru the blades, and spit out onto the planet’s surface. The crew float for a second in the chamber, and then -
“Spotty, blend us down'
“OkeeDokee, Commander. May the farts be with ya!”
- And ZIP!, WHIRR!...
NARRATOR: These guys are killing me.
WHOOOSH!, SPLAT!!! Catapulting out of the sky, the beans hit the surface with a sickening thud. Simultaneously, pairs of mechanical hands on long cables descend down and quickly assemble the beans. “Commander, Why don’t we just have the cables lower us to the planet?” Numb-er 2 says as they watch the cables gracefully ascend back up into the sky. The Commander looks up again at the cables, then at Numb-er 2, then up again. Agitated because he thinks there’s a possibility this may be a good idea, responds:
“You know the rules as well as any Bean”.
BEV of our gang on the planet, then closing in we sees Pooper, of course, is not quite assembled properly. But, what the heck, we’re only going to fry him anyways.
Numb-er 2s, “According to the Rules, our standard protocol landing procedures section 89 - paragraph 6 of the ‘BEANS GUIDE TO SPACE TRAVEL’ take effect. It states that the head physician must do a routine eval of the injured.”
Commander; “Doc, do something.”
Doc freaks, “I knew something like this would happen, I had a bad feeling, we shouldn’t have come!”
“Oh my sweet mama! He’s gonna die - what are we gonna do, Oh my! Oh my! He’s suffering from discombobulation!”
Mr. Green Beans, as Bones: “Darn’ it B. I’m just a country doctor, I can’t work miracles!”
Doc panics as he follows Pooper around trying to put a band-aid on him (The only first-aid he knows). During this highly technical medical procedure, Doc accidentally bumps into a strange plant, which sprays Pooper with a poisonous fungus.
NARRATOR: I don’t think he’s having fun.
Commander: “Dang it, Doc, you’re a Doc! Fix him!”
The Doctor looks on in horror as Pooper is being completely covered in a strange green fungus.
“Oh my, Oh my he’s gonna die! What are we going to do?!?” Screams Doc.
Pooper is running in circles screaming;
“I can’t feel my arms or my legs!”
The rest of the crew just looks at each other, because he doesn’t have any arms or legs.
Pooper then begins to fizzle and smoke as the fungus dissolves him till nothing is left but a pile of ashes with a tongue and eyes. The Doc goes over and puts a band-aid on the smoldering remains as a cloud of dust rises. Commander: “Oh well, let’s get moving, guess we better try not to touch anything.”
The party makes its way through the weird landscape. Background music from The good, the bad, and the ugly plays and odd popping and squishing noises are heard. All around are unusual mushroom type fungus and toilet shaped rock formations with strange bacteria growing on it and pawing at the beans as they walk by. Only the Commander seems unaffected...
“Mr. Green Beans, give me our location” the Commander asks.
We cut to Mr. Green Beans, who is following the others intensely monitoring what appears to be a small viewing screen. As he catches up, a close-up reveals the monitor is actually a game boy, and he is playing Asteroids. Exasperated the Commander yells
“How many times have I told you to leave that in your quarters Mr. Green Beans, and bring the real one on missions!?!" Mr. Green Beans smiles sheepishly.
“Numb-er 2, Give me our location,” Commands the Commander.
Numb-er 2 whips out a refrigerator-sized piece of equipment from behind his back. We see on the screen an arrow marked “you are here.”
“It would appear Commander, due north (he points) would be safest route...”
“Hey, there’s where we want to go!” The commander interrupts.
“Follow me Beans!”
As he hurries off into the complete opposite direction, down a path that looks like the yellow brick road.
(We hear spooky laughter in the distance, like the wicked witch of the west; Hee hee heee.
NARRATOR: I’ll get you and your little dog Toto, too.
They crest a small hill and see it. The Fungoid city! A glimmering mold covered futuristic metropolis perched atop a mushroom shaped formation. There are spaceships hovering about. You can make out a few signs and billboards such as “Mold-Bond Powder”, and lime green arches reading “Bacteria’s Burgers: Over 5 million sick.” Numb-er 2 is the first to speak:
Commander, my sensors indicate this colony is populated by an alien life form. It would be wise to request back-up before we approach.”
Numb-er 2, where’s your sense of adventure? Let’s move out beans,” Replies the Commander.
Our heroes are relatively quiet as they travel down the road towards the city gates. The music from the Good, bad, and ugly plays again. They are strangely overcome with an unusual urge to pick poppies and skip. (But they don’t usually have arms, and never have legs so they can’t.) Doc speaks first,
“I know we’re being watched, I say this can’t be good.”
Mr. Green Beans chimes in as the cowardly lion:
“Oh my! Probably Lizons, Karygers, or those evil little fuzzy things from that movie, Oh my!”
They are all apprehensive except for the Commander. We notice many sets of eyes peering out from the shadows. Visene gets the red out.
The Beans come to the streets of the city. In the background is a strange bazaar. We see fungoid creatures begin to surround the Beans. A large garbage can is off to the side of the road. The Commander thinks this is their leader.
“That commanding looking fellow appears to be the leader of this civilization.” Exclaims the Commander as they approach.
Numb-er 2 starts to interrupt, but is cut off by the Commander.
“I’ll handle this, boys. I’ll make contact. How’s my hair look?”
Mr. Green Beans, as Gilligan,
“The mooovie star, the professor can, barely bend, here on...”
The commander smacks him one.
Mechanical arms appear on the Commander, and he whips out a comb. As he tries to pull the comb thru his hair, it becomes stuck. He pulls, grunts, and pulls again. He looks at the comb
There is mold dripping off it, and mold in his hair. As he looks down, he sees fungus patches on his body and they are spreading.
Mr. Green Beans as Monty Hall;
“You can keep that mold, OR you can trade it for what’s behind door #2”.
Even though not seeming to be life threatening, Doc freaks out.
“Holy Moldy! We’re all going to die! I knew it, I knew it! What’re we going to do now?”
NARRATOR: Bad hair day today I guess.
The mold begins to completely engulf the Commander as the others watch horrified. Just then, H2O3Niner pushes Doc out of the way, knocking him to the ground.
Mr. Green Beans, as Batman;
“Quick, Robin, The anti-fungal mold repellant!”
“I gotcha covered, Boss!” H2o3Niner screams as whips out a gigantic pesticide sprayer labeled “Anti- fungal spray” from behind his back.
We focus on Niner, teeth clenched in a determined scowl, as he begins running, Rambo - like, towards the Commander. We see him running in slow motion, a bandana swaying, and muscles flexing. Explosions light up behind him, shrapnel flying everywhere. He sprays the pesticide indiscriminately, with machine-gun blasts and sounds.
NARRATOR: Be all you can be, baby.
All the beans start to cough as Niner sprays the Commander with the huge canister. Just before becoming completely engulfed in the ensuing cloud, we see the fungoid creatures closing in, walking like the zombies from the ‘Night of the Living Dead’.
As the cloud begins to dissipate the beans are feeling groggy, but coming too. We see the fungoid creatures dissolving into multi-colored, steaming puddles crying,
“I’m melting, I’m melting!” They survey the scene and see a green puddle with a witch hat floating on top. Niner announces,
“Man, I love this job!”
Numb-er 2 exclaims, “Commander, this may well become Galatic Incident 962.”
Immediately clouds race across the darkening sky changing from crimson to a deep violet. and thunder and lightning erupts. From behind a huge dumpster on the horizon, we see the horrifying silhouette of King Fungi rising up. He swats airplanes out of the sky, and approaches the beans as he walks thru electrical lines, ala “Godzilla’. We cut to Mr. Green Beans, looking oriental, saying
“Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, go away, please.”
Of course the dialogue doe’s not match his lip movements and the timing is off. Go speed racer.
Closer now, King Fungi dumps out old bread and roars. From the green and blue slices sprout dozens of fungus creatures. The King screams,
“Beans, beans, good for the heart! Take the foul beans to the SMUSHER!”
Commander addresses the mob,
“We don’t want a confrontation, we can resolve this peacefully.”
The fungoids begin chanting,
“Smusher, Smusher, Smusher!” as they advance towards our heroes.
“Yeah, I know you are, but what am I?” Yells the Commander.
They begin to surround the beans. Doc goes into his classic panic attack. Prozac may help, but he’s out. Assessing the situation, Numb-er 2 speaks,
“Commander, I believe our most sensible and safest course of action right now would be to return to the ship.”
Mr. Green Beans, looking pretty as Dorothy: “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home”.
The commander looking nervous for the first time speaks:
“For once I agree, Numb-er 2”
He whips out a communicator the size of a washer/dryer combo, leans back from the weight as they all begin to run with the fungoids in hot pursuit.
“Spotty, blend us up!”
As they are running a whole slew of fungoid creatures appear from behind an outcropping. The crew of the bean ship is surrounded! King Fungoid arrives looming menacingly overhead.
Mr. Green Beans Dangerfield comments:
“You think he’s ugly, you should see his sister”.
Doc is vibrating so fast, he’s ready to explode. Just as King Fungoid’s huge worm-like mouth opens to reveal row after row of dagger-like teeth, and doom seems certain, the beans are sucked up into the blender, and deposited onto the bridge of the ship, and reassembly protocol is initiated.
We see the Commander sitting in his chair on the bridge. Steam is escaping from the taped up joints on the pipes and the lights are flickering. #2 is standing by his side.
“H203Niner, set a course for the Kansas Nebula”. Niner,
“ Yo, I hear ya, you got it, Bossman.”
We cut to Mr. Green Beans’s station and zoom in on his viewing screen. He’s watching what appears to be the “Honeymooners”
“Spotty, Set speed at, Oh, not too, too fast, I guess.”
We cut to Spotty in the control room. Of course we can’t say this, but it appears he has been drinking. OK, maybe he’s just tired. He seems to be having trouble deciding which button to push. Some buttons are labeled “REAL FAST”, “NOT TOO FAST”, “VENT”, STEREO”, of course he pushes the button marked “BLOW-UP SHIP”. The last thing we see is the explosion spectacularly filling the screen. The words “THE END” appear in the multi-colored explosion.
NARRATOR: Every episode ends with a bang! Tune in next time, same Bean time, same Bean channel for more misadventures of the Extraterrestrial Beans!
Copyright 2002 Leadbelly Productions.