Extraterrestrial Beans TM

“King Fungoid” or “What a drag it is getting mold”.

Space - Where no one can hear you fart.

Episode 1

Scene 1

Space, deep and way out there. Dramatic, ominous music is playing. The scene opens with the “can-o-beans” space ship being pursued by a huge, mean looking, alien vessel shaped like a torpedo with ears and a fuzzy tail. Explosions flare on the screen and we see comic book-like words appear as well - ZAP! BANG! BLAST! etc.. Remember, we’re in space and no one can hear you fart.

NARRATOR (Mr. Green Beans) We see Mr. Green Beans as he pops into the scene against a backdrop of stars. He greets the viewers with a robust “Hidey-Hidey—Ho, Mammals!” He then ‘morphs’ into an impersonation of Rod Sterling “ The story you are about to see is not true. The channel should be changed to protect the innocent. We find the first interstellar “can-o-beans” ship fleeing from the otherwise friendly “Rabbons.” Insulted that the ‘Beans’ are stinking up their quadrant of the galaxy. Of course, the Beans, having no noses, can’t smell, and have no idea what upset the furry little mammaliens. “Smell? What smell?!?” Looks like our little legumes are in deep doo-doo this time! It’s a tale that can only happen in the Fartlight Zone.”

Play Intro and Opening Credits

A series of quick scenes showing the building and launching of many space ships, all exploding in increasing succession until it looks like fireworks, ooohhhs and aaawwws can now be heard. Extraterrestrial Beans theme song plays.

NARRATOR (Mr. Greenbeans), in a dramatic voice full of conviction:

Extraterrestrial Beings!… clears throat, Extraterrestrial Beans… Never really meant for space travel, beans being highly un-adaptable, just figured their mission would fail like the 2,383 before them. But they never figured on the iron will of Commander B., navy bean, a decorated veteran of the infamous “canning wars” he still carries a wound from his tour.

Zoom in on the commander’s wound - a fork in the butt!

And now they will boldly go and do things that no ‘bean’ has ever, ever,

Sound of ruffling pages, and in a low voice…

Uh hum, in space and,… See what’s out there, and do things that no ‘Bean’ has ever seen or done before… in space, where this is their first…

Normal voice,

Aw nuts…

Scene 2

Cut to interior of Rabbon ship, shows a scan of the bridge.

“Yo, Fuzzy the bunny, whack them beings. I’ll teach ‘em to come ‘round our turf!” Fuzzy replies, “Bungotti, I tink dem’s be beans, not beings” “Fuggetaboutit, whack ‘em good!”

(All the Rabbons, of course have clothespins on their sensitive noses.) The Rabbons all start jestering and yelling in their native tongue,as they become infuriated they shed their benign exterior and change into hideous Evil Goon Rabbons, embarking on their mission to destroy the Beans…

NARRATOR: Cute little li’l buggerz ain’t they? Will our beans become bean stew? Stay stewed, uh, tuned.

Scene 3

Interior of the bean’s tin can, I mean spaceship. Constructed as if out of kitchen utensils and leftovers being held together with tape & string and all manner of paste. Pandemonium reigns, ‘beans’ of all sizes and shapes run (Beans having no legs hover and propel themselves by emitting small “jet” propulsions.) helter-skelter – Beandemonium, situation normal, thank, you. One ‘bean’ in close-up, screams into the camera. “Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!”

Scene 4

Panning around to the front, we see Commander B., deep in thought. We’re guessing that he’s thinking anyways.

“Hmmm, maybe some farton torpedoes will liberate us from this fuzzy threat.” He says.

NARRATOR: That ain’t gonna happen - watch.

Scene 5

Close-up of “Numb-er 2” (get it?). In a dry, precise voice, Numb-er 2, the only bean with any sense at all, interrupts the captain’s uh, reflective moment.

“Commander, I believe you used all the farton torpedoes trying to write your name in the sky in the Campbell’s Nebula, thus causing intergalactic incident # 619.”

NARRATOR: see, I told ya.

Scene 6

“NO torpedoes! Well, make some more, Numb-er 2!” Must I think of everything around here?” #2 responds. “Actually, Commander, the most reasonable course of action would simply be, to go faster.”

The Commander stares at #2 with a blank look. #2 tries to clarify his position -

“ The concept is well known, and used often in battle. We increase our speed, putting distance between ourselves and the enemy, thus allowing us to safely get away."

Still a blank look...

Mr. Green Beans, communications officer, suddenly turns into a version of Groucho Marx and quips, “Well folks, it looks like the lights are on but nobody’s home.”

Enraged, the Commander catapults a mechanical fist out of nowhere (complete w/ a boxing glove), and pulverizes Mr. Green Beans.

NARRATOR: Looks like anger management courses are in order here.

Scene 7

Spotty, the ships engineer, appears on the view screen, seen from behind.

“Ahh, one o’ these buttons might work...”

“Spotty report!” Commander B. barks via the intercom from the bridge.

“I hear ya talkin’ Commander, but where are ya?” asks Spotty quizzically.

Spotty turns around and appears on the screen so we can see his big goofy eyes. Completely incompetent Spotty is the embodiment of a high school janitor, slow, and mostly impaired.

“Hello, Commander where are ya?”

(NOTE: Spotty and the other beans have mechanical arms which mysteriously appear when needed and disappear afterwards. These mechanical arms also have the ability to continue on with their present task alone, if the bean walks away.)

Scene 8

Just then two Rabbon torpedoes rock the ship. Spotty is thrown to the floor. We cut back to the bridge. Mr. Green Beans does his robot from Lost in Space thing.

“Danger, danger, we’ll probably run!”

The explosions remind everyone - OK they remind Numb-er 2, the seriousness of their predicament. The background music increases in tempo -dun-dundunn... Numb-er 2 looks quizzingly at the Commander. “Commander?’

“I got it!” announced the Commander “We’ll just outrun them!”

He shoves Numb-er 2 out of the way by bouncing into him.

“Spotty, We need more power!”

Cut to an exterior shot showing the huge Rabbon Star fighter closing in on the beans tiny ship.

Scene 9

All the beans on the bridge watch in horror as the enemy ship closes in and ‘de-clokes’ to reveal it’s huge menacing true state. H2O3Niner, the ship’s navigator, chronic liar & pasta cook, comments in his Rocky Balboa voice -

“YO Boss, I dunno, uh, but this ain’t lookin’ good.”

Of course since he’s an Italian jumping bean, he’s bouncing all the time. Numb-er 2 recaps his original position noting that more power would really help since they really need to go faster or end up as bunny brunch. Commander B. responds

“Right, right! More power Spotty, now! Give her everything you’ve got! Super-real fastest speed drive 10! (That’s pretty darn fast.)

Spotty responds (in his English accent)” Blimey, Commander, We’ll need more power!”

NARRATOR: Give me a break.

Scene 10

All eyes are on the Commander. They all are ready to spring into action. We zoom in on our fearless leader. You can almost smell the intensity building around him. Striking a gallant pose (like when Washington was crossing the Delaware), He raises his arm, in determination, oh yeah, he doesn’t have any, and announces

“All beans to the pot!”

NARRATOR: Kid's, you’re not going to believe this!

Scene 11

As alarms blare, the lights dim and overhead red warnings signals flash. We see beans from all over the ship running to a central location. Mr. Green Beans as Howard Cosell begins his play by play:

“What a call! The Bean team is pulling out all the stops. This game is really heating up...”

Someone grabs him and whisks him away. We soon learn that this is the bathroom where they deliver their own special way of powering the ship into hyper drive. No one is sure why or how this works but it does...AND HOW!! A rip-roaring explosion is heard as the bathroom doors bulge comically, almost off their hinges, and return. Silence momentarily, then the sound of toilets flushing.

NARRATOR: See, told ya so!

Scene 12

PPPWWWWPTTTTP! (Sound effects)

The Bean ship opens up to reveal huge engines, a huge blue flame shots out of the rear of the ship...

...And they achieve explosive SUPER _ REAL FASTEST SPEED! Mr. Green Beans exclaims in his best Elvis impersonation

“Yo mama, this rusty old crate ain’t no pussycat” as the force of the increasing speed elongates his form before we see him disappear.

A farting noise (appears on the screen as a word), then hyper drive kicks in (WHOOSH) and they disappear...

NARRATOR: That’s rude.

Scene 13

Leaving the Rabbon ship eatin’ their dust (planting soil?).

Inside the bean ship we see H2ONiner hitting the brakes, and we hear a squeal (yeah, like a car makes).

“Whoa, pony!”

We cut to an exterior shot and see parachutes pop from the back of the ship. A stop sign appears in space as the ship screeches to a halt. We cut inside and see all the beans pasted flat against the view screen, as victorious music plays.

Scene 14

We switch to a soothing classical score as all the beans ‘pop’ back into shape. Numb-er 2 is the first to regain his composure and speak.

“Well done Commander, it would seem we are out of danger for...” “Oh Mother Bean, what the heck is that?!!,” screams an unseen bean.

Everyone looks around for the source.

NARRATOR: Now who said that and what are they talking about?

Scene 15

H2O3Niner, our navigator exclaims,

“Yo, Boss catch a visual on this my man, looks like a big dirt ball, maybe...”

He looks around suspiciously suspecting he may be right - and that would be strange. We now go to the view screen, which clearly shows a green fuzzy planet on the horizon.

NARRATOR:(As Rod Serling). Our friends are about to embark on a strange voyage; it’s going to be weird, very weird. For this is no ordinary voyage, it is a trip into an unusual place, a place not only of time, but also of mind, for they are about to enter - orbit around a planet, I guess.

Scene 16

“A planet, Commander”, announces Numb-er 2, casting a disgusted look at H2ONiner.

“An uncharted planet in the galaxy Fungi, if my calculations are correct.”

Commander B., looking at the screen, puzzled, completely ignoring #2 -

“If I know anything, I know outer space, Numb-er 2. Probably a planet.”

Numb-er 2 eyes him in disbelief.

“Take us closer, Niner,” announces the commander.

“Um, yeah, right-on, there boss, yep, we’re on our way now.” Replies Niner. Under his breath we

hear him mutter,

“Closer, closer, none o’ these stinkin’ buttons says closer.”

As he fumbles at the controls, Numb-er 2 rolls his eyes.

Scene 17

The ship somehow drifts miraculously into orbit around the planet. We watch as it fills the screen. Ecstatic at his accidental good fortune, Niner announces proudly

“Yo, lookithat! There ya go, bossman, sir!”

The Commander stares at the screen, checking his reflection. Numb-er 2 leans on the control panel and focusing intently on the commander says,

“Commander, our mission is clearly spelled out. We must blend down to the surface and search for life.”

Mr. Green Beans immediately appears between them as Igor,

“Yes. Yes master- we need life, new life.”

The Commander of course socks him again. Then says with authority:

“Looks like our chance to boldly go and explore new dirt balls. Prepare to blend, Spotty!”

Spotty responds, “Bloody well right, Commander.”

Scene 18

The Commander assumes his role as, well, The Commander. As the Commander calls each name we see close ups of each character.

Numb-er 2, Doc, Niner, Mr. Green Beans and you, Pooper, Get ready to blend down to the surface.”

Pooper (A re-fried bean) is not as confident as the Commander. But then he is the infamous “5th crewman,” doomed from the start.

Pooper, nervous and sweating,

“Whoa! Captain Daddy-O, love to make that scene dude, but uh, I’m cool with it man, but ya know it just ain’t happenin’, I gotta groove goin’ here and uh, nope, to far out for me, gotta pass, don’t forget ta write…!”

In the background we see Mr. Green Beans playing a violin to Pooper’s whining.

“POOPER!, That’s enough. Beans to the blending room!” roars Commander B.

Bummer man…” whines Pooper.

Scene 19

The beans all arrive in the “blending room.” Pooper is about to explode from panic. His eyes are huge and bulging and he’s shaking. The Professor, an ancient and unknown species of bean, appears on the video screen.

“...AHH... Commander, ...before you go, you must realize I have calculated the sphere below would contain unstable and potentially pelligro elements, the deceasium theory holds that these elements can be...

“Not now Professor, we’re busy.” Snaps the captain.

The Professor continues...

“Potentially fatal for beans...” The Commander snaps off the video screen. Pooper screams.

NARRATOR: The infamous 5th crewman, think he’s gonna enjoy this trip?

Scene 20

We now cut to the blender, an exquisite low-tech marvel. Giant blades hover over the beans in a dimly lit room. The Commander’s hair is tossed about. Yep, you guessed it, when Spotty turns it on (he always winces when he does this) the beans are sucked up, minced thru the blades, and spit out onto the planet’s surface. The crew float for a second in the chamber, and then -

“Spotty, blend us down'

“OkeeDokee, Commander. May the farts be with ya!”

- And ZIP!, WHIRR!...

NARRATOR: These guys are killing me.

Scene 21

WHOOOSH!, SPLAT!!! Catapulting out of the sky, the beans hit the surface with a sickening thud. Simultaneously, pairs of mechanical hands on long cables descend down and quickly assemble the beans. “Commander, Why don’t we just have the cables lower us to the planet?” Numb-er 2 says as they watch the cables gracefully ascend back up into the sky. The Commander looks up again at the cables, then at Numb-er 2, then up again. Agitated because he thinks there’s a possibility this may be a good idea, responds:

“You know the rules as well as any Bean”.

Scene 22

BEV of our gang on the planet, then closing in we sees Pooper, of course, is not quite assembled properly. But, what the heck, we’re only going to fry him anyways.

Numb-er 2s, “According to the Rules, our standard protocol landing procedures section 89 - paragraph 6 of the ‘BEANS GUIDE TO SPACE TRAVEL’ take effect. It states that the head physician must do a routine eval of the injured.”

Commander; “Doc, do something.”

Doc freaks, “I knew something like this would happen, I had a bad feeling, we shouldn’t have come!”

“Oh my sweet mama! He’s gonna die - what are we gonna do, Oh my! Oh my! He’s suffering from discombobulation!”

Mr. Green Beans, as Bones: “Darn’ it B. I’m just a country doctor, I can’t work miracles!”

Doc panics as he follows Pooper around trying to put a band-aid on him (The only first-aid he knows). During this highly technical medical procedure, Doc accidentally bumps into a strange plant, which sprays Pooper with a poisonous fungus.

NARRATOR: I don’t think he’s having fun.

Scene 23

Commander: “Dang it, Doc, you’re a Doc! Fix him!”

The Doctor looks on in horror as Pooper is being completely covered in a strange green fungus.

“Oh my, Oh my he’s gonna die! What are we going to do?!?” Screams Doc.

Pooper is running in circles screaming;

“I can’t feel my arms or my legs!”

The rest of the crew just looks at each other, because he doesn’t have any arms or legs.

Pooper then begins to fizzle and smoke as the fungus dissolves him till nothing is left but a pile of ashes with a tongue and eyes. The Doc goes over and puts a band-aid on the smoldering remains as a cloud of dust rises. Commander: “Oh well, let’s get moving, guess we better try not to touch anything.”

Scene 24

The party makes its way through the weird landscape. Background music from The good, the bad, and the ugly plays and odd popping and squishing noises are heard. All around are unusual mushroom type fungus and toilet shaped rock formations with strange bacteria growing on it and pawing at the beans as they walk by. Only the Commander seems unaffected...

Scene 25

“Mr. Green Beans, give me our location” the Commander asks.

We cut to Mr. Green Beans, who is following the others intensely monitoring what appears to be a small viewing screen. As he catches up, a close-up reveals the monitor is actually a game boy, and he is playing Asteroids. Exasperated the Commander yells

“How many times have I told you to leave that in your quarters Mr. Green Beans, and bring the real one on missions!?!" Mr. Green Beans smiles sheepishly.

“Numb-er 2, Give me our location,” Commands the Commander.

Numb-er 2 whips out a refrigerator-sized piece of equipment from behind his back. We see on the screen an arrow marked “you are here.”

“It would appear Commander, due north (he points) would be safest route...”

“Hey, there’s where we want to go!” The commander interrupts.

“Follow me Beans!”

As he hurries off into the complete opposite direction, down a path that looks like the yellow brick road.

(We hear spooky laughter in the distance, like the wicked witch of the west; Hee hee heee.

NARRATOR: I’ll get you and your little dog Toto, too.

Scene 26

They crest a small hill and see it. The Fungoid city! A glimmering mold covered futuristic metropolis perched atop a mushroom shaped formation. There are spaceships hovering about. You can make out a few signs and billboards such as “Mold-Bond Powder”, and lime green arches reading “Bacteria’s Burgers: Over 5 million sick.” Numb-er 2 is the first to speak:

Commander, my sensors indicate this colony is populated by an alien life form. It would be wise to request back-up before we approach.”

Numb-er 2, where’s your sense of adventure? Let’s move out beans,” Replies the Commander.

Scene 27

Our heroes are relatively quiet as they travel down the road towards the city gates. The music from the Good, bad, and ugly plays again. They are strangely overcome with an unusual urge to pick poppies and skip. (But they don’t usually have arms, and never have legs so they can’t.) Doc speaks first,

“I know we’re being watched, I say this can’t be good.”

Mr. Green Beans chimes in as the cowardly lion:

“Oh my! Probably Lizons, Karygers, or those evil little fuzzy things from that movie, Oh my!”

They are all apprehensive except for the Commander. We notice many sets of eyes peering out from the shadows. Visene gets the red out.

Scene 28

The Beans come to the streets of the city. In the background is a strange bazaar. We see fungoid creatures begin to surround the Beans. A large garbage can is off to the side of the road. The Commander thinks this is their leader.

“That commanding looking fellow appears to be the leader of this civilization.” Exclaims the Commander as they approach.

Numb-er 2 starts to interrupt, but is cut off by the Commander.

“I’ll handle this, boys. I’ll make contact. How’s my hair look?”

Mr. Green Beans, as Gilligan,

“The mooovie star, the professor can, barely bend, here on...”

The commander smacks him one.

Scene 29

Mechanical arms appear on the Commander, and he whips out a comb. As he tries to pull the comb thru his hair, it becomes stuck. He pulls, grunts, and pulls again. He looks at the comb

“What the...”

There is mold dripping off it, and mold in his hair. As he looks down, he sees fungus patches on his body and they are spreading.

Mr. Green Beans as Monty Hall;

“You can keep that mold, OR you can trade it for what’s behind door #2”.

Even though not seeming to be life threatening, Doc freaks out.

“Holy Moldy! We’re all going to die! I knew it, I knew it! What’re we going to do now?”

NARRATOR: Bad hair day today I guess.

Scene 30

The mold begins to completely engulf the Commander as the others watch horrified. Just then, H2O3Niner pushes Doc out of the way, knocking him to the ground.

Mr. Green Beans, as Batman;

“Quick, Robin, The anti-fungal mold repellant!”

“I gotcha covered, Boss!” H2o3Niner screams as whips out a gigantic pesticide sprayer labeled “Anti- fungal spray” from behind his back.

We focus on Niner, teeth clenched in a determined scowl, as he begins running, Rambo - like, towards the Commander. We see him running in slow motion, a bandana swaying, and muscles flexing. Explosions light up behind him, shrapnel flying everywhere. He sprays the pesticide indiscriminately, with machine-gun blasts and sounds.

NARRATOR: Be all you can be, baby.

Scene 31

All the beans start to cough as Niner sprays the Commander with the huge canister. Just before becoming completely engulfed in the ensuing cloud, we see the fungoid creatures closing in, walking like the zombies from the ‘Night of the Living Dead’.

Scene 32

As the cloud begins to dissipate the beans are feeling groggy, but coming too. We see the fungoid creatures dissolving into multi-colored, steaming puddles crying,

“I’m melting, I’m melting!” They survey the scene and see a green puddle with a witch hat floating on top. Niner announces,

“Man, I love this job!”

Numb-er 2 exclaims, “Commander, this may well become Galatic Incident 962.”

Scene 33

Immediately clouds race across the darkening sky changing from crimson to a deep violet. and thunder and lightning erupts. From behind a huge dumpster on the horizon, we see the horrifying silhouette of King Fungi rising up. He swats airplanes out of the sky, and approaches the beans as he walks thru electrical lines, ala “Godzilla’. We cut to Mr. Green Beans, looking oriental, saying

“Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, go away, please.”

Of course the dialogue doe’s not match his lip movements and the timing is off. Go speed racer.

Closer now, King Fungi dumps out old bread and roars. From the green and blue slices sprout dozens of fungus creatures. The King screams,

“Beans, beans, good for the heart! Take the foul beans to the SMUSHER!”

Scene 34

Commander addresses the mob,

“We don’t want a confrontation, we can resolve this peacefully.”

The fungoids begin chanting,

“Smusher, Smusher, Smusher!” as they advance towards our heroes.

“Yeah, I know you are, but what am I?” Yells the Commander.

They begin to surround the beans. Doc goes into his classic panic attack. Prozac may help, but he’s out. Assessing the situation, Numb-er 2 speaks,

“Commander, I believe our most sensible and safest course of action right now would be to return to the ship.”

Mr. Green Beans, looking pretty as Dorothy: “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home”.

Scene 35

The commander looking nervous for the first time speaks:

“For once I agree, Numb-er 2”

He whips out a communicator the size of a washer/dryer combo, leans back from the weight as they all begin to run with the fungoids in hot pursuit.

“Spotty, blend us up!”

Scene 36

As they are running a whole slew of fungoid creatures appear from behind an outcropping. The crew of the bean ship is surrounded! King Fungoid arrives looming menacingly overhead.

Mr. Green Beans Dangerfield comments:

“You think he’s ugly, you should see his sister”.

Doc is vibrating so fast, he’s ready to explode. Just as King Fungoid’s huge worm-like mouth opens to reveal row after row of dagger-like teeth, and doom seems certain, the beans are sucked up into the blender, and deposited onto the bridge of the ship, and reassembly protocol is initiated.

Scene 37

We see the Commander sitting in his chair on the bridge. Steam is escaping from the taped up joints on the pipes and the lights are flickering. #2 is standing by his side.

“H203Niner, set a course for the Kansas Nebula”. Niner,

“ Yo, I hear ya, you got it, Bossman.”

We cut to Mr. Green Beans’s station and zoom in on his viewing screen. He’s watching what appears to be the “Honeymooners”

Commander, again:

“Spotty, Set speed at, Oh, not too, too fast, I guess.”

Scene 38

We cut to Spotty in the control room. Of course we can’t say this, but it appears he has been drinking. OK, maybe he’s just tired. He seems to be having trouble deciding which button to push. Some buttons are labeled “REAL FAST”, “NOT TOO FAST”, “VENT”, STEREO”, of course he pushes the button marked “BLOW-UP SHIP”. The last thing we see is the explosion spectacularly filling the screen. The words “THE END” appear in the multi-colored explosion.

NARRATOR: Every episode ends with a bang! Tune in next time, same Bean time, same Bean channel for more misadventures of the Extraterrestrial Beans!

THE END!

Copyright 2002 Leadbelly Productions.

Extraterrestrial beans

The Thing.

Open with a silhouette of a boy and his dog at the crest of an open field against a huge full moon and dark, starlit sky. There is the peaceful sound of crickets and other denizens of the night. Pan up to stars in the sky filling the screen. We see a light flash across the night sky; followed by a strangely familiar, if rude, noise. Josh, excited, calls to his dog and the two races away thru the forest to an unknown destination.

Play E.T.Beans theme song w/ opening credits.

We return to see him arriving at his secret tree house barely visible against the backdrop of the dark woods. He climbs up into the tree house closely trailed by Galileo. We can now see it is remarkable, rambling, hodge-podge of a complex. The kind that can only come from the mind of a little boy. It sits in a big old gnarled apple tree. Once inside we see hints of gizmo’s and gadgets, a high-tech homemade secret laboratory loaded with astronomical and monitoring devices. A switch is flipped and the complex comes to life.

Meet Josh Peterson, and his trusty dog, Galileo. He is a 12-year-old genius with a passion for detecting alien life forms. His parents dismiss his obsession as a phase that will pass, totally unmoved by the “proof” he has brought home. (Mostly radio blips and tales of strange lights in the sky.) Only his friend Bethany is sympathetic to his cause, but not totally convinced there is one. Undaunted, Josh keeps his solitary vigil, Galileo by his side.

His “lab” was fashioned with discarded material from a nearby army base, and the local hardware store. He puts on a wild pair of headphones and fumbles with the buttons on his radio, keeping one eye on his telescope. He intercepts a high-level transmission from the nearby army base. Simultaneously he sees a craft enter his field of vision, and gets larger as it gets closer, filling the window of the treehouse. It hovers momentarily as if looking for something, then speeds away. He races home to tell his parents of what he’s seen, that he’s got proof of extraterrestrial beings. They of course humor him, roll their eyes and kiss him goodnight. The next evening he hops on his bike, with Galileo to return to his vigil. He briefly greets Beth as they pass on the street, before turning left on prospect St., Past Old man Bigger’s house before jumping the curb and heading down a narrow dirt path leading to the forest adjacent to the army base. He arrives at the tree house and just begins to settle in when something small whizzes past the window. As he looks out it comes for a second pass thru the window. It hits the telescope knocking Josh over, and ricochets of the walls and equipment several times before coming to a stop in the middle of the floor. Josh cautiously approaches the small craft, bending close to get a better look. Galileo sniffs at it when we hear a farting sound. Josh holds his nose. Suddenly it opens and a crew of “Beans” appears on his floor. Josh screams and runs.

He goes straight to the army base, bypassing the guards via a secret bike path, and arrives at the office of his uncle, General Richard G. Fleming, U.S.A.F. The soldiers are not surprised by Josh's latest in a string of visits. He excitedly spills out the story of EXTRATERRESTRIAL BEANS. They dismiss it as his newest ET being tale. Though they are amused at his insistence that this time they were “beans” not “beings.” SGT. J.V. Summers laughs and tells him he has quite an imagination as he ruffles his hair. As he’s done many times before Sgt. Summers gives Josh a ride home. His parents thank the sergeant and scold Josh sending him to bed. They’ve been thru this before.

In bed with Galileo, Josh stares out into the night sky. He dresses quietly and sneaks out with the dog and returns to his tree house. He scans the area with a flashlight first, approaching cautiously. All looks clear - then he feels a blast of wind as the huge ship appears again and hovers almost directly overhead. Lights appear and the aliens begin searching for Josh. He hides in the brush. A farting sound is heard a small ship shaped like a tin can whizzes by. It returns and sends out a strange beam that shrikes Josh & Galileo, and transports them aboard as the huge enemy ship fires a laser beam that incinerates the spot that they just occupied.

Safely inside “Big can-o-beans” ship, we see the tree house below fade to dot as they fly away. Josh looks around and sees, strange bean beings putting around the ship. There is a familiar, if unpleasant smell. The ship itself is a rickety and dilapidated, held together with string and duct tape. Steam hisses from a nearby pipe and the lights flicker. The tin can creaks and Galileo barks at one being in particular, Pooper. Galileo chases him around the ship trying to bite him.

He is calmed by Commander B., the leader of the extraterrestrial beans. His predicament and the present situation are explained to him. The evil alien ship that tried to kill Josh was pursuing the bean ship. The Beans were coming to earth to warn of this threat and to seek earth's help in defeating the evil “Rabbons” The idea to elicit earth’s help in the fight was suggested by Mr. Green Beans, who got the thought from watching old reruns of Star trek. Beanworld is already occupied by Piglons (Evil-pig-like aliens lead by Perkin Beans, the ruthless half-bean half-pig) and earth is their next target. They are incensed because both Bean and Earth have been pilfering their technology via Rabbon ships that have crashed on both planets. Earth, for the usual military reasons, Beanworld, for use in a new theme park under construction. After thousands of failed attempts the Beans finally managed to launch a ship, only to be discovered by the Rabbons. The Rabbons targeted Josh, because he discovered their existence and foiled their element of surprise. So here the Beans are, to aid earth in it’s planetary defense.

Thus begins the unlikely alliance between man & bean. The beans believe Josh is like the president of earth and all knowing and Josh thinks the beans are cool, if not too bright. But he does owe them his life. They temporarily return josh to earth so he can make his case to the govt., and enlist their help. Unable to convince even Beth that the threat is real (Tho she’s wonderin’ now), Josh tries to keep the existence of the beans secret for their own safety, but it’s not easy considering what beans are famous for. He returns to the tree house to discover it was destroyed by the Rabbons. He saves what he can and sets up shop on the bean ship. He realizes it is up to him and the beans to save the world. As he begins to monitor the Rabbons actions, he learns of the cruel occupation of Beanworld, and the mistreatment of the beans & their diabolical scheme to conquer earth and raise humans as breakfast product for the. Time is running out.

The national news is now dedicated exclusively to the coverage of the dramatic increase of the strange UFO sightings, and of the scientific communities monitoring of the sudden course shift of a large, pork chop shaped, previously unknown comet. All earth is riveted to the news. Josh learns there is less than 24 hrs. Left till earths doom. Back home, his parents discover he is missing, and find the destroyed treehouse. They fear the worst, but Beth thinks she knows where he is.

The Rabbons have set up a command center on the comet Hare, amassing troops and weapons. They have also used the comet because of it's magnetic core, allowing the development of an impenetrable shield, that they will only lower when passing close to earth’s atmosphere, and beginning their assault on the planet. It is due to pass earth in less than 12 hrs. Earth though not aware of the specifics, is aware of the threat that the comet poses. We cut from the doom & gloom evening news to the Rabbon army and back.

The bean ship and Josh head to the stars for an intergalactic adventure and confrontation with the Rabbons. Josh learns of the existence of a powerful directional convergence contraption (D.C.C.) in a crater, installed by the Rabbons, which is allowing them to control the direction, speed, and path of the comet. He and the beans devise a plan that if they can momentarily disable the force field, the bean ship can use farton torpedoes to destroy the D.C.C. That's if they can get close enough and move fast enough. They will have one shot at it. Rendezvous between the comet and earth is due at midnight, less than 6 hrs from now. If they can divert the comet from its present course, and track far enough away from the earth, the Rabbons will be unable to launch their large-scale attack, and earth would be saved.

Josh contacts the army base from the bean ship to get their help. He sends them his plan detailing the help he will need .Not sure whether to believe the whole story of beans and pig aliens they nevertheless corroborate his data and concur that Josh’s plan to use a huge magnetic generator to counteract the comets own magnetism could probably change the angle of it's axis enough to throw the comet off course and miss earths orbit. It's a long shot, but worth a try. They don't realize that Josh is really using the army’s huge magnet to disable the force field so the beans can go in and destroy the D.C.C., and, well you know, save the earth from the forces of evil and the other white meat.

With no time left, the bean ship completes it's hair-raising mission and destroys the D.C.C., diverting the asteroid, saving you and me, and sending the Rabbons streaking away into the dark emptiness of space. After learning of the liberation of Beanworld, Josh and Galileo bid farewell to their friends, and are returned to earth amidst a flurry of fart jokes.

The world and Josh’s parents rejoice as he is also hailed as a hero on Beanworld, complete with a statue in his likeness. (With a clothespin on his nose.) Of course still no one believes his story, except maybe Beth, when he produces a tiny bean artifact and gives it to her. Just then the bean ship zooms by and farts in a farewell gesture. Josh rolls his eyes and sheepishly mutters something about extraterrestrial beans. Everyone laughs.

The End.

Copyright 2002, Leadbelly Productions

E.T. Beans

Story Episodes

Copyright, 2003, Leadbelly Productions

Episode-2

“Bean Down Time” or “I am a Rock”

Commander B. decides he deserves a vacation, and secretly substitutes a rock in his place to run the ship. No one notices, and the mission is a resounding success with the ship actually running better than when the Commander is there.

Episode-3

“Fortune and Flame or Da’ Ting”

The Beans return home from their grueling space adventure – 10 days in space! A world record for Beans, no one thought they would even survive the launch. Commander B wishes to write his memoirs (If he can remember them) and go on the talk circuit. However President George U.U. Bean has other plans. They have lost contact with outpost 51, a remote base on the planet Bora-Borealis, where the Potatoe creatures have been mining artificial coloring red 51 that the Beans use for cosmetic purposes. When the Beans reach the outpost it is deserted except for a preying mantis kept as a pet. After being bit by the mantis, Spotty starts changing into an evil meat by-product, which endangers the entire ship and crew. He is cured by a swift kick to the posterior. A traditional Bean cure the Doc finds in some old database. Of course this doesn’t answer the question of the missing crew, so the Commander B. closes the log by saying “They ain’t here. So they must be somewhere else.”

Episode-4

“No You Can’t Keep It” or "Got a Bad Clam”

H2O3Niner finds a stray creature (land clam) on a planet and smuggles it aboard the ship against the Commanders orders. Doc is terrified of it; He thinks it is always watching him

With its one large eye. Attempting to dissolve the creature with a potion taken from the Professors lab it instead grows huge and terrorizes the ship. Eventually it gets bored and leaves the ship via the transporter.

Episode-5

“Neanderbean” or “Food Shocking”

Craving a mid-night snack Numb-er 2 goes to the fridge for a tasty spore. As he is opening the door a drip from a leaky pipe hits a power relay causing an electrical surge, bombarding him with the ultra-bright refrigerator light and a powerful shock. The bathroom is next door and as a toilet flushes, he is transformed into a primitive Bean state, a huge rambling plant creature that lasts a brief time. Not wanting to tell anyone he won’t use the bathroom or allow any of the others to, as each time he hears the sound of a flushing commode he transforms.

Episode-6

“Spittin’ Image” or “Yo, No Mo!”

Overwhelmed by all the broken things on the Bean ship, the Professor clones Spotty so he can get more work done. Then of course the clones make more clones, who in turn make more clones, etc., etc., who are each as inept as Spotty himself. All their futile attempts to make repairs result all manner of problems and breakdowns. Not to mention that the Spotties don’t really get along with each other. No one is sure who the real Spotty is until Mr. Greanbeans morphs into Bob Barker and yells “Will the real Spotty come on down!

Episode-7

“Glitterin’ Gold” or “You Want a Surprise With That?”

After Commander B comes into possession of an intergalactic treasure map, found while storing Josh Peterson’s backpack. The Commander and the crew search for the fabled place of the “The Big Golden M!” Ignoring Numb-er 2’s reservations they embark on a reckless journey to planet Earth. Deciphering symbols and following landmarks, all incorrectly of course, they meet a wise man and who they believe to be a great King. Though in actuality he is homeless man with a pot on his head who tells all kind of wild tales. Believing the Beans are magical fairies he helps them find their “Big Golden M.” Down the 3 blocks to the light, make a left on Main and follow the signs, can’t miss it! When they arrive it was a fast food restaurant. The map was just a restaurant guide!

Episode-8

“The Adventures of BeanMan!” or “It’s a Turd, It’s a Bean, No It’s…”

After falling into a strange puddle H2O3Niner begins to germinate. He grows arms and legs much to the awe and amazement of the other Beans. H2O3Niner believes it is his destiny to become a superhero – BeanMan! He dons a costume and cape, and performs superhero stuff. ChiChi becomes infatuated. The other beans, especially the Commander, begin to resent his newfound powers. Dejected they all lose any ambition to perform their duties. “Why don’t you get the suuuperhero to do it, he’s so great” is often heard. The tension rises until his secret weakness is accidentally discovered – soap!

Episode-9

“Curses” or “Return of the Dummy”

The Beans stumble across an ancient tomb and mistaking it for a rest room (clogged toilets resulting in an emergency landing). Doc breaks the seal releasing a mummy even dumber than them. So inept, the mummies ridiculous curse plagues the crew until they can decipher an ancient script and return him to his tomb.

Episode-10

“Terror in the Aisle”

After seeing a part of a Bush Beans commercial praising Beans, they head to Earth to introduce themselves and revel in their popularity and fame. Soon, Commander B is captured by a huge machine and taken prisoner. Actually he is ‘harvested’-he is a bean after all - and processed with thousands of other beans, and canned for sale. The crew believe he was taken prisoner and they track him to a supermarket, where they are horrified to find vegetables and fruits of all kinds being held prisoner, and being sold.

Episode-11

“Crops and Robbers” or “A Thief Among Beans”

A problem in the ship’s boiler room develops into a code 5 critical situations. The ship and its crew are in grave danger. The pressure is on Spotty the chief engineer to repair the problem. But, uh oh! He needs his favorite wrench. Someone has taken it! He suspects everyone… and suspicion is contagious! All the Beans have a reason and motive why one of the others took it. “Look how twitchy the Doc is, guilty about something?” Meanwhile time is running out! Oh! There it is! He had it all this time.

Episode-12

“Get Lost” or “The Hunted and the Other Guys”

After ‘blending’ down to the planet Phobia for a routine exploration, Pooper, the infamous 5^th crewman, accidentally becomes lost. The longer he is lost and the farther away he gets from the other Beans, the safer he feels. Maybe he’s not doomed after all. Maybe, he won’t be the one killed this time. As the others begin to search for him, his paranoia grows. He begins to feel hunted, and imagines all the evil things the other Beans would do him if found. In his thoughts the other Beans seem to be larger and more menacing than they actually are. Of course, the other Beans do not understand and think he has a case of the Space Jeebies! Curable with a good Band-Aid. Once found and reunited with the crew, they try to relieve his anxiety. See you’re okay, not dead. Even Pooper starts to think maybe he’s not doomed after all as a meteor strikes him.

Episode-13

“Now Showing” or “The Feature and the Crack Legume”

The Beans land in a movie theater and after secretly witnessing corn kernels popped into popcorn, they fear for their lives. Will they try saving the corn or run for their lives? The adventure ensues as they sabotage the theater creating mayhem at first, then panic. Old horror movie clips provide the backdrop for this and reinforce the Beans fears. They see this as proof of an evil plot to destroy all vegetables.

Episode-14

“Dude, Yer’ Getting’ a Smell” or “How Revolting!”

The Beans find themselves entering a computer. They think they are entering a huge strange city. They soon learn that computers are evil entities, controlled by nasty, ruthless ‘compucutioners.’ Each has their own dastardly deed to perform. Such as locking the computer up, shutting it down, illegal functions, erasing files, fatal errors and ultimately must defeat the most powerful of all – the Evil King Crash!

Episode-15

“Bad Broth” or “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Broth”

Before leaving the Peterson’s, the Beans eat some bad broth. It affects them adversely and they become war-like and split the ship into two factions. One group who inserts the toilet paper roll so it pulls down, the other so it pulls up. Which is which? Who is who? Oh, but it gets worse. When the ship is threatened by warriors form Uranus, the Beans must get the ship into hyper drive to escape. But the broth had another side effect – constipation. Will the Beans recover in time?

Episode-16

“Midnight Sneakers” or “No Spore No More”

Everyone is sneaking to the fridge for spores. The Commander becomes concerned when food supplies become dangerously low. No one will admit to doing it, though the crew mysteriously is growing fatter by the minute. Numb-er 2 suggests setting a trap to catch the culprits. The Commander devises all types of zany traps to catch the thieves.

Episode-17

“The Good the Bad and the Smelly” or “Beans On the Range”

Midnight in the Southwest Galactic Desert. The Beans investigate a mysterious light, which turns out to be a campfire. They stumble upon a group of giantslug rustlers, working for the Emperor Mudd. Giant slugs are a delicacy to the Muddy people. To their horror one of the rustlers opens a can of pork ‘n beans. The Beans watch petrified as he empties the can into a pot over the fire. As it begins to sizzle the Beans launch an all out attack.

Episode-18

“Last in Space” or “Rediscovered”

While submitting next years budget (Lots and lots of dough), Commander B laments about the itinerary of missions. The crew becomes dejected when they realize that all the worthwhile discoveries in space have already been made, until, the Commander claims they can be the first to re-discover them all! Thus begins their faithful journeys to the moon where they ride the moon rover, Mars, where the face is actually a portrait of Nixon and to Jupiter where the giant red spot is really a pupil and the planet a giant eyeball.

Episode-19

“Key to the Future” or “No Key and Monkey”

The Bean ship crash-lands on a strange planet. The Commander goes into a tirade because the ship is damaged. As the Commander is outside blowing a gasket, each of the Beans goes out to see what all the fuss is. Spotty is the last one out and accidentally locks everyone out of the running ship. Soon they realize they are being watched by a group of Saber Tooth Orangutans. They all run for cover as the Orangutans take the ship and start to play catch with it. Much to his embarrassment, Spotty soon discovers that he really did have the keys all along. Now they have to wait till the can is abandoned to board.

Episode-20

“Frank ‘n Beans” or “Beans ‘n Frank”

The Professor in an effort to make a smarter, more efficient Bean, snatches a crewmember as he passes by his lab. He secures him to the experimental chair thing-a ma-jig. Using discarded animal pieces, car parts and robotic technology he creates a Franken Bean- like monster. The monster, feeling lonely and outcast, captures ChiChi, the security officer, as his bride. After several failed attempts to save her by the crew ChiChi saves herself by disconnecting his power source.

Episode-21

“Broke Down Hovel” or “Billy Bub’s Service Station”

Becoming partially disabled in space, the Bean ship makes an emergency landing on the nearest planet for repairs. After a tow to ‘Billy Bub’s they realize they’ve found a mechanic so stupid, he thinks the berries, oh, the Beans, are geniuses.

Episode-22

“Big Bean Bug Hunt” or “Insector Inspector”

On a planet filled with insects the crew gathers specimens for the Professor’s collection. But, one by one, the crew begins to disappear. They soon discover they themselves are being collected by the biggest bugs they have ever seen.

Episode-23

“The Frog” or “Amphibious Merger”

While snooping around the Professors Matter Transmitter, the Commander accidentally gets locked in one of the teleportation chambers. Unaware, the Professor tries to transport a rare flying frog – when materialized the Commander begins to slowly transform into the creature. Not thrilled with new-found urge to eat bugs, He is excited by the ability to jump really high.

Episode-24

“The Clog” or “Beans: Unplugged on ETB Records”

A mysterious phenomenon occurs in deep, deep space. One by one the Bean’s toilets on the ship, are becoming clogged, until… the ship is left helpless in space. Spotty invents a mechanical multi-plungered unclogging device, but will it work in time?

Episode-25

“Smores, Spores, and More” or Mellow Love”

The commander, while on routine planetary patrol falls in love with a beautiful marshmallow princess, and rebuffs all attempts by the crew to talk him to his senses.

Episode-26

“Bionic Beans” or “ Lend Me a Hand”

Spotty soups up the mechanical arms of the Beans with disastrous results.

Episode-27

“No Bean is an Island” or “Space Madness”

The Beans crash land on a strange and barren world. Bored with nothing to do their behavior turns odd, and they become somehow, smart. It’s frightening.

Episode-28

“The Bean Clink” or “30 Days in the Hole”

The Beans are locked up on their planet for not returning the ship at the end of its 90-day lease, and being over the mileage, can’t pay. Once sprung from jail they all take on odd jobs to earn cash.

Episode-29

“Bean Club” or “Pay Your Dues”

Spotty starts a club and won’t let anyone join. So they all start their own clubs and the rivalry begins.

Episode-30

“Blended” or “Just like me”

While being blended down to the planet’s surface, the Commander and Pooper’s personality become switched.

Episode-31

“Doc’s Dream” or “Follow your Dreams”

Doc dreams that Band-Aids are indeed the cure for ALL ills, not just sickness, but also meanness, ugliness, laziness, paranoia, and egotism, etc.. He then discreetly attempts to ‘cure’ the crew.

Episode-32

“Black Hole Beans” or “Black Holes Suck!”

Messing with a Black Hole because the Commander thinks it’s cool the way the ship stretches, the Beans are sucked into an alter-verse, where Beans are kept as pets.

Episode-33

“Beans with Teeth” or “Bite me”

The Commander develops a toothache and after failing to get the Band-Aid from Doc Bean to stay in place, takes matters in his own hands. Doc fixes the problem in the end… accidentally knocks it out, and then writes his first medical paper or log.

Episode-34

“The End of Beans as We Know Them” or “Number’s up”

‘Death’ comes for the Beans– and they run scared poop-less, thus having no power to run the ship.

Episode-35

“Dr. Gloom and Doom” or “That Really Burns Me Up”

An angry old scientist in armor seeks revenge on the Beans because chili gives him heartburn.

Episode-36

“Satan on Holiday” or “Running With the Devil”

The Beans pick up an interstellar hitchhiker who turns out to be the devil himself, slacking off from work. He is nice and in a good mood until the Beans drive him crazy and he becomes evil again.

Episode-37

“Mutant Beans” or “Mental midgets”

Sheesh, another evil Bean genius creates lazy mutants to give Beans a bad name. Of course the Beans try to stop him, for what? They already have the worse reputation!

Episode-38

“H is for Hero Bean”

Mr.Greenbeans tries to emulate his hero “Intergalactic Warrior” on the 3dTV and does really well until the other Beans try to help.

Episode-39

“Cold Trash and Blazing Foes” or “Waste Mismanagement”

The Beans antagonize a ‘Sun’ by shooting their trash at it, and have hot time hiding all over the universe.

Episode-40

“Rock this Can” or “School of Hard Knocks”

Beans antagonize the ‘Meteoroids,’ space rock beings, by bumping into one and not apologizing, and are again, bombarded and chased across the Galaxy.

Episode-41

“Not So Common Cold” or “Aachoo Hullabaloo”

All the Beans catch colds, and having no noses, they explode left and right… Aah, aaah…Bam!

Episode-42

“Timeless Beans” (Based on ‘Amok in Time’ from the original Star Trek series) or “Go Back Jack”

The Beans find a ancient “Time Portal’ and think it is interactive television, causing havoc and mayhem through space and time until future ‘smart Beans’ though still dumb travel back to fix the mess.

Episode-43

“Keep of the Grass… Citizens” or “Gonna Walk All Over You”

On an expedition with the Beans, Josh insults the ‘Lawnoliums’ by; you guessed it, walking all over them. Horrified, the grass blade citizens of ‘Lawnolium’ burn up with rage, and take Josh captive. His only hope for freedom lies with the Beans. Scary, huh?

Episode-44

“Beans meet Courage” or “Shameless Plug”

The ‘Beans’ crash, not for the first time, on a little blue world called ‘Earth’ where they scare the beegebers out of one “Courage the Cowardly Dog.”

Episode-45

“The Great Space Race” or “Mad Max Attacks”

The ‘Beans’ arrive at the starting line of the ‘Great Space Race”, thinking it is a parking lot for Drive-in Diner Planet. As the race begins the contestants are chased by ‘Crushers” who devour the slowest ships. After a while the Beans are to Pooped, to poop…

Episode-46

“Laundry Revolt” or “Underwear With Attitude”

Unwashed laundry takes on a life of it’s own, and rampages through the ship. Their only weakness is soap.

Episode-47

“Bean-nanigins” or “Tactical Jokes”

One practical joke leads to another… and another... until…

Episode-48

“Doc-a-zillionaire” or “Show Me The Money”

Doc has to return to Home world to claim his inheritance. His old plant-aunt has passed on and been uprooted to the big compost heap in the sky… out back behind the shed.

Episode-49

“The Wrong Hole” or “Lost in Paradise”

Following the directions of a passing freighter, the Beans take the wrong wormhole to a geometric parallel-dimensional world, and become lost. The Commander refuses to use the on-board navigational system, or to stop and ask for directions.

Episode-50

“Lost -Untamed Misplaced-World” or “50,000 Years Before Beans”

Beans find a planet like theirs, only in the pre-historic past. Cave Beans man!

Episode-51

“Sirens on the Lake” or “A Day at the Beach”

Giant lakes in space lure the Beans in to their doom! Only they think they’ve found an intergalactic resort. They prepare for fun in the sun with suntan lotion and sunglasses. Landing at dawn, the sun rises and lakes begin to boil and cook the Beans.

Episode-52

“Camping Out” or “The Not So Great Outdoors”

The Commander takes the crew camping because he’s heard it builds teamwork, or some such nonsense. Bugs, fires, and Bean Bears all play havoc with his plans.

Episode-53

“Day at the Zoo” or “Collection Disconnection”

The Beans are captured and put on display at a Galactic Zoo. They’re soon thrown out as boring, and the Beans vow to be let back in.

Episode-54

“Bean Dippy” or “The Gas Man”

A mysterious gas makes the Beans silly beyond all belief.

Episode-55

“The Phantom Haunted Infested Ghost Ship” or “Terror in Space”

The Beans come across the legendary PhiGS– a spooky one.

Episode-56

“Blow Out” or “Breakdown in Town”

Some mysterious substance is disintegrating the ship. Do you think it is Bean-gas?

Episode-57

“Ants Away” or “Captain Bigbeard”

Giant pirate ants attack the ship, looking for treasure.

Episode-58

“RoboBean” or “Mechanical Mayhem”

Spotty builds a mechanical suit to make his work easier.

Episode-59

“ Silent Night”” or “Talk is cheap”

The Commander loses his voice and has to communicate his wishes though gestures and sounds only. No one can understand him, and they do all the wrong things, putting the ship in peril.

Episode-60

“Machine Mania” or “Vend-a-matic”

Beans stumble across a mechanical world with intelligent machines, where EVERYTHING has intelligence, except for the Beans.

End