Percy Fitzgerald: An Experience
"Percy Fitzgerald" is a pseudonym of Emily Jolly
IN TWO CHAPTERS
CHAPTER I
It was on a warm, early June afternoon that I was called into the consulting-room to see her.
It was out of the usual hours for seeing patients, and I remember that I resented the interruption, and the irregularity; for I was busy in the anatomical department of the hospital, deep in the study of an extraordinarily interesting specimen of but, you won't care for these details.
However, when I read the note of introduction she had brought with her, I was reconciled to the disturbance; the rather, because it seemed that just such a case as we had long been lying in wait for, now presented itself.
I was then young; an enthusiast in my profession, full of faith in science and in one whom I will call Dr. Fearnwell, under whom I had chiefly studied; without any consciousness of other kind of faith.
I was ambitious; up to this time, iron-nerved and hard-headed; possibly, I should add, hard-hearted. Yet I don't know that I was specially callous, careless, or cruel. It was more because such culture as I had had, was exclusively of the head, that I knew nothing about having a heart, than that I did not care to have one.
I believed myself to have, and I gloried in having, unusual power of brain. As many men I knew, boasted of the many hours they could run, row, or ride, I boasted of the many hours I could read hard and work hard. I had never spared myself, and, up to this time of which I write, had never had any warning that it might be wise to do so.
I dimly suspect, however, that this warning was on its way, that even without the shock of which I am going to tell, some crash would have come.
I remember that when I was interrupted to read the note which the porter brought me, the perspiration was streaming from my forehead. And yet the afternoon, though warm, was not sultry. And I had been employed in a way that called for extreme delicacy and accuracy of investigation and observation: not for physical force.
"Won't you wash your hands, sir, first? It's a woman and a child," was the suggestion of the good-hearted porter.
Though with some muttered expletives against the folly of such " fiddle-faddle," I took the man's hint, and, also, buttoned my coat over my shirt front, and pushed my wristbands up out of sight.
The Venetian- blinds were down in the consulting-room, for the afternoon sun poured against its windows. Thus, until my eyes a little accustomed themselves to the dimness of the room I could not well distinguish its occupants.
After a few moments I saw the palest woman, of the most corpse-like pallor, I ever, before or since, beheld. She was seated near a table, with a female child of some two or three years old upon her knees.
She did not rise when I went in. Possibly probably she could not. A woman with a face like that, could hardly stand up and hold so large a child. She wore a widow's cap, its border brought so close round her face as hardly to show an indication of hair. Her eyebrows were dark, at once decided and delicate; her eyelashes were peculiarly long and full, still darker than the brows, and almost startlingly conspicuous on the dead white of a fair-skinned face. Not even on her lips, was there, now, any tinge of other colour.
The child upon her knees was a little miracle of exquisite loveliness. But I noticed little of this then.
At the first moment of being in this woman's presence, I felt some slight embarrassment. I had expected to see "a common person." I felt that about this woman there was something, in all senses, uncommon.
My embarrassment was not lessened by the steady earnestness with which she fixed her deep dark eyes on mine, nor by the first words she spoke, slowly moving those white lips:
"You are very young; surely it is not to you, the letter I brought was addressed! You are very young."
The voice was the fit voice to come from such a corpse-like face. It was not her ordinary voice, any more than that was her ordinary (or could have been any living woman's ordinary) complexion.
I was still young enough to be annoyed at looking " very young." I was impatient of my own embarrassment under her searching study of my face. I answered, rather roughly:
"My time is valuable; let me know what I can do for you unless, indeed, you think me 'too young' to do anything."
"It may be the better that you are so young," she said. There had been no relaxation in her study of me, and her voice now was a little more like a natural voice like her natural voice, as I afterwards learned to know it only too well; soft and sweet; a slow and measured, but intense, music. " Being so young, you must remember something of your mother's love. It is not likely your mother loved you as I love this child of mine; still, no doubt, she loved you; and you remembering her love, may have some pity left in you for all mothers. This child of mine is all I have; my only hold on hope in this world, or in another. Life does not seem long enough to love her in; without her, one day's life would seem impossible." Striving against the awe that would steal over me, looking into that solemn face, fixed by those deep still eyes, hearing that solemn voice, I said, with brusque impatience:
"I have told you my time is valuable. If you wish me to do anything, at once tell me what."
"Have you not read the letter I brought?"
"I have; but that explains nothing."
"My child is lame."
"That much I know."
"I am ready to answer any questions about what you do not know."
Then I questioned her as to the nature, extent, and what she thought probable cause, of her child's lameness. She answered always in few, fit words. I examined the child: she watching me with those deep, still eyes of hers. My heightened colour, my increasing animation, my eager looks, seemed to stir her a little.
My interest was thoroughly roused. This was exactly such a case as we desired to experiment upon; a case in which to try a new operation, on the success of which, under fair conditions, I was ready to stake all I cared for in fife. She, with that monstrous egotism of maternity, mistook me so far as that she took my interest to be concentrated on this one sufferer.
"Can she be cured?" was asked so hungrily by the whole face that there was no need for the lips to form the words.
"Yes, yes, yes!" I answered, with joyous triumphant confidence. " She can be cured! She shall be! She shall walk as well as the best of us!"
Before I knew what was happening not that there was any quickness of movement, but that I was utterly unprepared for any such demonstration the woman was on her knees at my feet. With one hand she held the child; with the other she had taken my hand, on which she pressed her lips.
There was a speechless rapture over her face, and the most exquisite soft flush upon it, as she did this.
A queer feeling came over me, as I awkwardly withdrew my hand my hand that for a long time afterwards tingled with consciousness of the touch of the woman's lips.
She rose, with no awkwardness, no haste; reseated herself, bent over, and kissed her child.
The child had been always watching us, its soft serious unchildlike eyes fixed sometimes on me, and sometimes on its mother. I had never before, and have never since, seen anything like that child's eyes. They but why voluntarily recal them, when the effort of my life for so long, was to keep them from always floating before me!
Suddenly the woman's face resumed its deadly pallor.
"Will it be very painful?" she asked.
"That is as you will."
"What do you mean?"
I explained. It was my advice that she should let her child be put to sleep with the then newly-discovered agent, chloroform.
"Is there danger in it?"
"None if the stuff is carefully administered, as, I need not say, it shall be to your child. You can understand how difficult it is to keep a child still enough under pain, to give an operator a fair chance."
"It would be difficult with any other child, perhaps: with mine it is not difficult. She is so docile, so patient: she would keep still, and bear, uncomplainingly, anything I asked her to bear. She has already undergone great agony from a fruitless attempt at cure. But, of course, if, indeed, there is no danger, I would wish " here she paused " oh the weak folly of words! to save my darling pain."
"Do you judge your child to have a good constitution? The extreme debility you speak of, is preternatural."
She answered me eagerly, assuring me that her child, except for this lameness, which she considered to be not the result of constitutional disease but of an accident, had always had perfect health. She added:
"You are too young for me to tell my story to, or I might, by the circumstances of her birth, account to you for her extreme docility."
I then questioned her as to what had been done in attempt to cure the child, and I blamed her for not having at first come to us.
With perfect simplicity she gave me the incredible answer that she had never, till a few weeks since, heard of "us." Then, when she had replied to all my questions, seeming to win confidence in me, because of my confidence in cure, she spoke to me, with quiet intensity, of the child's peculiar preciousness to her.
To this I listened, or seemed to listen, patiently.
I was conscious that she was speaking to me; I was also conscious of her child's eyes watching me; but while she spoke and the child watched, I was arranging for the operation, the when, the how, all the details. There were difficulties in my way, obstacles to be surmounted. I was not at all sure of winning Dr. Fearnwell's consent that this child should be the first subject upon which the new operation should be tried. Dr. Fearnwell had said, I remembered, " "We must first try this on some coarselyborn child, some child of robust peasant parents: some child, too, who, should its life be sacrificed, would be, poor little wretch! no loss, and no great loser."
I had more faith in Dr. Fearnwell always, than Dr. Fearnwell had in himself. I had, also, more faith in science than the more experienced man had. Besides this, Dr. Fearnwell was of extreme sensitiveness and tender-heartedness; his hand could be firmer than any, and his courage cooler, but he required first to be convinced of the unquestionable beneficence of the torture he inflicted.
Dr. Fearnwell's seeing this child beforehand would be a risk (when I looked at it with Dr. Fearnwell's eyes, I recognised its extreme fragility), but his hearing the mother speak of it, and of its extreme preciousness to her, would be fatal. He would warn, and question, and caution, till the woman's courage would fail; he would think it better that the widow should keep her lame child, than run the risk of losing it to cure its lameness. He was quite capable of telling her that this lameness would not kill, and that the attempt to cure it might; and then how could one expect a poor, weak, selfish woman to decide?
Once interested in the woman, Dr. Fearnwell would think nothing of the glory to science, and the gain to the human race, of successful operation, compared with the loss to this woman if she should lose her child.
This "weakness" (so I thought it) of Dr. Fearnwell's filled me with something as like contempt as it was possible for me to feel towards one who was my hero. Against it, I determined as far as possible to protect him. Though I had no consciousness that the child's eyes touched me, I knew how they would appeal to Dr. Fearnwell.
While the mother talked, therefore, I was scheming and contriving. I received the sounds of her words on my ear, and they conveyed corresponding ideas to my brain; for afterwards I knew things she then, and only then, told me. But at the time I heard without hearing, in the same way that we often see without seeing, things that vividly reproduce themselves afterwards.
"When can it be done?"
That question brought her speaking and my thinking to a pause.
"Do you stay here long?"
"Not longer than is needful for my child. I am poor. It is dear living in a strange place. But anything that is needful for my child is possible."
"If it can be done at all, it shall be done within the week."
"' If it can be done at all!' You said it could be done; you said it should be done."
The way in which this was said, the look in the eyes with which it was said, revealed something of the stormy possibilities of this woman's nature.
"I spoke with indiscreet haste when I said it could and should be done. There are many difficulties."
I then explained the nature of th6se difficulties in the manner I thought most politic, and most calculated to induce her to connive with me in overcoming them. I dwelt much on the morbid over- sensitiveness which would paralyse the hand of the good doctor, were she to speak to Mm as she had spoken to me about the extreme preciousness of her child.
She studied my face with a new intensity; then she said:
"He need know nothing about me. I need not see him till all is arranged. The child can, for him, be anybody's child."
"Exactly what I would desire. I am glad to find you so sensible. Bring the child here to-morrow morning, at ten."
White to the lips again, she faltered:
"You don't mean that it will be done to-morrow?"
"No, no, no. No such luck as that," I answered, impatiently. " There are preliminaries to be gone through. The child will have to be examined by a council of surgeons. All that is nothing to you. Bring her to me, here, at ten to-morrow. That is all I ask of you. This is my name" giving her a card " You know from the superscription of the note you brought me, that my name is Bertram Dowlass. You may trust me to do the best I can for you."
She rose to take leave.
The quiet intensity of her gratitude, and her implicit, patient belief in me, did not touch me. I let these things pass me by; there was no contact.
"I have no claim whatever on your gratitude," was my most true answer to what she said. "It is not the cure of your child that I care about, but the proof that human skill, aided by science, can cure thousands,"
She smiled slightly, in gentle deprecation of my self-injustice perhaps, too, in incredulity of my indifference towards her child.
That was the end of our first interview.
All the rest of that day I worked with divided attention, and with a strange unsettled feeling. This was a new experience, and it made me uneasy. Ordinarily I was my own master. I now put on the screw as I had never had to do before, and with little result beyond a painful sense of strain and effort,
It was natural that I should be under some excitement. I would not own to myself that my excitement was more than natural; nor would I, for an instant, listen to any internal suggestion that it had any other cause than that to which I chose to attribute it.
At the appointed time next morning, she brought the child.
There was no quailing yet, as I had feared there might be. She was still intent upon the cure, still full of confidence in me.
When she gave the small soft creature into my hold, and it put one of its little arms round my neck, voluntarily, confidingly I experienced a sensation I had never before known.
It turned out as I had expected. I had a hard battle to fight; my patience and temper were pretty well tried.
Dr. Fearnwell took the small being upon his knee, stroked its hair, looked into its eyes, felt its arms, and declared that this was not a safe case for operation; that the child was too delicate.
I and one or two others, equally bent on testing the new discovery, at last overruled his judgment, and carried our point not till I was conscious of the perspiration standing in great beads on my forehead. I do not know that I exactly lied about the little thing, but I deliberately allowed Dr. Fearnwell to suppose that the child's position was such that it had far better die than live a cripple possibly had better die than live at all; that it was a child whose existence in the world was an inconvenience rather than anything else, and a constant memorial of what was best forgotten. I was flushed with triumph when I returned to Mrs. Rosscar so she called herself bearing the child in my arms.
"With the sweat of my brow, I have earned the healing of your child," I said to her, as I wiped my forehead.
She was standing up close to the door; her arms eagerly received the burden of mine; her tongue made me no answer, but her face replied to me.
"On Monday at eleven," I told her. " This is Thursday. In the intervening days, keep your child as quiet as you can: give her as much fresh air and as much nourishing food as you can. Dr. Fearnwell sent you this" slipping five sovereigns into her hand " to help to pay your expenses. He will help you as much as you may find necessary. He is rich and kind. You need have no scruples."
The money was my own; it would have been more, but that I was short of funds just then. Her face had flushed.
"I take the money for my child's sake. I thank him for my child's sake," she said, proudly.
I was now waiting for her to go. The door of the room was open; she stood facing the opening, and the light from the great stair-window fell full upon her.
For the first time I noted her great beauty.
She was still young, I daresay, but hers was not the beauty that depends upon the first freshness of youth. It was the beauty of perfectly harmonious proportion. Her form was at least as perfect as her countenance. She had the most statuesque grace I ever saw in living woman, as she stood there holding her child; holding it with no more effort than a Hebe shows in holding the cup of nectar.
Her deep, still eyes were fastened upon me. A curious shock went through me, even before she spoke.
Her face had now again that extreme pallor, such as I had never seen on any other living face.
"On Monday, at eleven," she repeated. Her marble-pale lips seemed stiffening to marble-rigidity. They seemed to form the words with difficulty. "You would not deceive me? There is not more danger than you tell me? Forgive me; but, now it is settled, my heart seems turning to ice. You would not deceive me? I know something of the callousness, the cruelty, of men; but this would be too cruel. In all this world I have, as I have told you, nothing but this," hugging the child as she spoke, closer to that breast whose superb lines were not to be wholly hidden by the heavy muffling weeds she wore. " I have nothing but this to hope for, to work for, to live for. This is all I have saved from the past, all that is left to me in the future."
Her delicate dark brows gathered themselves threateningly over her intense eyes, as she added, in a soft deep voice:
"There would be one thing left for me to do if I lost my child. One thing, and only one. To curse the hand whether it were the hand of God or of man that took her from me."
I answered her coldly; as far as I could, carelessly. I steeled myself against the tragic truth of her words; but I was conscious of a creeping of my flesh.
"Madam," I said, "you are at liberty to change your mind. All arrangements that have been made, can be unmade. I would, however, advise you to avoid agitating the child."
This drew her eyes from mine to the small face on her breast. She had not raised her voice, had not indulged in any gesture; had not betrayed, except in the blanching of her face and the intense passion of her eyes, her agitation; the child was too young to understand her words. And yet, as we both looked at it now, its lips had parted, its face had flushed, its eyes and mouth and chin were quivering with emotion.
Perhaps the little creature was distressed by the vibrations of its mother's stronglypulsating heart, against which it was held so closely.
She bent over it, held her face against its face, murmured soothing sounds. I was holding the door open. She now passed out without another word, and began to descend the stairs.
I stood looking after her: my eyes were caught by the glorious great knot of bright hair, which, all pulled back from her face, escaped from her bonnet behind. A slanting beam from the window had touched and fired it as she passed down the stairs.
Half-way down she stopped, turned, and looked back and up at me. When the mother looked, her child looked too. They remained so, for perhaps half a minute.
How often afterwards, in dreams of the night, in waking visions of the dark, and worse, far worse, in the broad daylight and peopling the sunshine, looking up from the grass, or from the water, looking forth from the trees, or the flowers, hovering between her and other faces, did I meet those haunting eyes: the two pairs of eyes, so like in their difference, gazing at me with varying expressions of appeal, reproach, agony, or worst of all resignation!
"Good-evening, Mrs. Rosscar."
I turned back into the room, but could not hinder myself, a few moments after, from looking out to see if she were still there. She was gone.
During the Friday and Saturday intervening between that day and the Monday, I hardly thought of the mother and child. I thought constantly, and with feverish eagerness, of the operation, and of the triumph of its success; but I did not realise the quivering agony of body and spirit the child's body (even if all sensation were deadened for the moments of operation, there must be keen suffering afterwards), the mother's spirit implied even in success. As to failure, I did not admit its possibility.
On the Sunday I was restless. I felt it needful to do something. I could not apply to book- study, and from the more practical part of study the day shut me off. I got on board one of the river steamers, not designing anything but to get out in the country, and have a good walk. But the first person my eye fell on, when I looked round the crowded deck, was Mrs. Rosscar; her child, of course, in her arms.
For a moment I felt afraid lest this might mean that my patient was escaping me.
"Where are you going?" I asked her, abruptly.
"I do not know," she answered, with her quiet voice and rare smile. " You recommended me to give the child all the air I could. I thought of landing at one of the pleasant green places, and sitting about in the fields for a few hours, and then taking the evening boat back again. I thought, at some farmhouse or small inn, I could get some food for her at all events, milk and eggs and bread-and-butter."
I was standing on the deck, in front of her. I said, what suddenly occurred to me:
"You are much too beautiful and too young, to go about alone in this way, among I such people."
"I dare say I am beautiful, and I know I am not old; but my beauty is not of the sort to draw on me the impertinence of common people. I am not young in my soul. I know how to protect myself."
"If yon don't mind my company, I'll manage for yon. Yon are not strong enongh to slave abont with that weight always in yonr arms. Yon can do it, I know; bnt yon shonld not overtax yonr strength to-day; yonr nerves shonld be in good order to-morrow."
She blanched, suddenly, to that absolute pallor again.
"Will they let me be in the room? Will they let her lie in my lap?" she asked.
I shook my head.
"In ninety-nine cases out of a hundred this would not answer, though it might in yours; it is difficult to make exceptions."
She gave a patient sigh; sat some time with her eyes fixed on. the gliding shore; then said, looking at me again:
"Will it take long?"
"Oh, no, no; a very short time; a few moments."
"And she will feel no pain?"
"None."
She said, as if to herself, her eyes subsiding from my face to settle on the shore again:
"After all, God is sometimes merciful. I almost feel as if I could love Him. When these little feet" touching them with a tender hand " walk, I will try with all my soul to love Him."
I don't know what possessed me this day. I laid aside all my habitual shyness. I hardly thought of exposing myself to the ridicule of my colleagues, should I encounter any of them. But thinking of this chance, I glanced at Mrs. Rosscar's dress; trying to discover how she would strike a stranger, and to what rank she would be supposed to belong.
Of the dress I could make nothing; it was all deep and long- worn mourning. As far as I could tell, nothing of her station could be learned from her dress.
She was standing. She had moved to the side of the vessel, a little way apart from me. She was pointing out something to the child. From the poise of her head, down all the lines of her form, to the firmly-planted beautiful foot, from which, by times, the wind swept back the drapery, there was something regal about her. The child was daintily dressed in white; it looked all soft swansdown and delicate embroideries. It might, I thought, have been a queen's child.
I went to her side, and proposed that we should land at the first stopping place, and take a row-boat. She agreed. She would have agreed to anything I proposed; she
had a feeling that the child's life was in my hand. So, we were soon gliding along the shady bank of the river she and I and the child sometimes, among the water-lilies and close to the swans; sometimes, almost touched by drooping boughs; sometimes, for a moment held entangled by the sedges. All very silent.
Mrs. Rosscar was one of those women who have a talent for silence, and, more than that, who seem hardly to need speech. To-day she was content to watch the child. The child sat on her knees, with musing eyes and tranquil face, watching the gliding water.
Now and then, the child smiled up into the mother's face; now and then, the mother bent over and kissed the child; there seemed no need, between them, for any other kind of speech. That child's smile was of the most wonderful sad sweetness. It was the loveliest and tenderest expression. I did not then, you must understand, consciously note all the things I speak of as I go along; they returned upon me afterwards. I had time enough, in time to come, to remember the past. Time enough, Heaven knows!
Early in the afternoon, we stopped at a comparatively unfrequented place, and dined.
Mrs. Rosscar's quiet undemonstrative, and yet pleased and grateful, acceptance of all my services, her acquiescence in all I proposed, did not seem to me strange. The day was altogether a dream-day. I was in the sort of mood in which to find myself the hero of a fairy-tale's adventures would hardly have surprised me: a most unwonted mood for me.
I have thought about it since, and wondered if she acted as she did, from inexperience, or from indifference. Was she ignorant, or was she careless, as to what might be concluded about her? I believe the fact was, that she thought neither of herself, nor of me, but merely of " a good day" for the child.
She laid aside her bonnet, and her cap with it, before she sat down to table: showing that wealth of brown hair, and, what much more interested me, that head fit to be the head of a goddess. " And yet," I thought, " she seems a very ordinary woman; she seems, even more foolishly than most women, absorbed and satisfied by the possession of a child."
In laying aside her bonnet and cap, she had laid aside, also, her shapeless cloak; her close-fitting black dress displayed the lines of shoulders, bust, and waist, fit to be those of that same goddess.
She was a splendid woman. The well-formed white soft hands made me conclude that she was also, by conventional rank, a lady.
We returned as we had come; only that the sunset mirrored in the river, the swans, the sedges, the rippling run of the water, the capricious warm breathings of the soft wind seemed, yet more than the morning brightness, things of a dream. We reached the widow's lodging at about the child's bedtime.
She did not ask me to go in, but I went in.
She told the child to thank me for "a happy, happy time;" which the little thing did with a prettiness pathetic to think of afterwards, adding, of her own accord:
"And for showing me the lilies and the pretty swans."
The mother hung on her words with rapture, and then, raising her face to mine, said:
"If you make my child able to walk in the warm sunny grass, on her own little feet, I will learn to believe in a loving Grod, that I may call His choicest blessings down upon you. I will entreat Him to prosper you in all your doings, to gladden your whole life, to let the love of women and of little children sweeten all your days."
I pressed, in parting, the hand she held out to me. After I had left her, her last words went echoing through my brain.
When I got home I tried to apply myself to hard study quite vainly. But I do not think that she, alone, was responsible for this. I believe that, just at the time when I first met her, my brain was on the point of giving- in, and of resenting the strain of some years.
This phase, at all events', of my collapse, had a strange deliciousness about it. Soft thoughts and sweet fancies thronged upon me. I gave myself up to them, weary of the effort of self-mastery.
Again and again, as I fell asleep, I was gliding softly down a sunny river. I seemed to hear the dip and splash of oars, to feel the movement of the boat under the impulse given by them, and then the words, " May the love of women and of little children sweeten all your days!" sounded in my ears with such distinctness, and seemed to come from a voice so near, that I awoke with a start, and a feeling that I should see the speaker standing beside my bed, and that I had felt her breath upon my brow.
Then, like a fool as I was, I lay thinking of the woman who had spoken those words. " What a rich low voice she has; what sweet deep eyes she has; what a shapely foot she has; what a splendid form it is; what a soft white steady hand she has!"
"Yes," I then said to myself, trying to deceive myself. " She would make a first-rate hospital nurse; strong, calm, gentle, wise."
Next day, a day of intense excitement to me, the operation was performed. It was successfully performed. Everything that happened at about this time, after that Sunday on the river, seems wrapped in a dream-haze.
But I have a distinct recollection that Dr. Fearnwell said to me, " Dowlass, you are over- doing it; I don't like the look of your eyes; take a holiday." But whether this was before the operation, or after it, I don't know. I know that I made him some jesting answer, and laughed at his grave concern.
I know that late in that day, when I first saw Mrs. Rosscar after the operation, her expression of her passionate joy and gratitude made me half delirious with an uncomprehended feeling and that part of it was fear.
The child, after the operation, was placed in one of the wards of the hospital. The mother left it neither night nor day. I had prevailed in getting this exception to rule allowed; and for this her gratitude was almost as great as for our other success.
Through the day after the operation, and the day following that, I often stole a few moments to go and look at the little patient sufierer, and at the joy-illumined radiant face of the mother. The more radiant the mother's face was, and the more entirely all seemed well, the more I felt afraid.
When, on the third day, the child sank died in its sleep I knew it was of that, I had been afraid.
I cannot even now account for the child's death. It should have lived and grown strong; there was no inflammation; the success of the operation was perfect.
Perhaps it was a child born not to live. Perhaps the constant presence of its mother made it keep up too strong a strain of self-control, for its strength. It must have suffered, but it did not moan, or cry, or give any sign of suffering, except what was to be read on the often- damp brow and in the over- dilated eyes. "Eyes!" Yes. It is always " eyes." Eyes are always haunting me. Often the child's eyes, as they looked rip at me, when I bent over it. I have fancied since that it would have spoken to me then, complained of pain, but for the mother being always close and within hearing. I have fancied since, that it looked at me, with that intent look, hoping that I should understand.
A poor sickly tree I think a sycamore grew outside one of the windows of the ward in which the child lay. It was swaying and swinging in the evening wind and evening sunlight, and its shadow was waving to and fro on the child's bed when I went into the ward on the afternoon of that third day.
The child liked to watch the shadow and had begged not to have the blind pulled down.
"Had I best wake her?" Mrs. Rosscar asked me, the moment I approached the bed. She was looking strained to-day, and anxious. " It is rather long since she took nourishment. And last time she was awake, I thought she seemed more weak and faint than she has seemed since Monday."
"When was she last awake?"
Mrs. Rosscar looked at her watch.
"Half an hour and three minutes ago; but she took nothing then, for she smiled at me, and then dozed off, just as I was going to give her her arrowroot and wine. It is an hour and a half since she had anything."
"By all means wake her," I said. It struck me that her little face looked pinched and cold. " The sleep of exhaustion will do her no good," I added.
Mrs. Rosscar bent her face over the child's face. I stood by, with my heart striking sledge-hammer blows against me.
"Mamma wants her darling to wake up and take some wine," she said, with her cheek lying against the child's cheek.
No movement or murmur of reply.
Lifting her head, and looking into my face, she said, in what then seemed to me an awful voice:
"She is very cold!"
I pushed the mother aside, I bent over the child, I felt for its pulse, watched for its breath. In vain.
I ordered flannels to be heated, and the little body to be wrapped in them and rubbed with them. I tried every means I knew of, for restoring animation.
In vain.
While the mother was preparing food for it, the child, having smiled at her, had fallen into a doze. That doze was the doze of death.
When we desisted from our efforts to wake it, and left the poor tortured little body in peace, Mrs. Rosscar, who had been kneeling by the bed, rose. She stood motionless and speechless for moments that seemed to me no portion of time, but an experience of eternity.
I resolved that I would not meet her eyes; but she was the stronger willed, and our eyes did meet. I shrank; I shivered; I looked, I know, abject, craven, self-convicted. I felt I was the murderer she thought me.
Slowly, with her eyes on mine which watched her with a horrible fascination, she lifted her grand arms, and clasped her hands above her head.
The uplifted arms, the awful eyes, the indefinite horror of that pause before speech were enough for me.
As her lips opened, to give utterance to the first words of her curse, I, lifting my own arms, as if to ward off from my head an imminent blow (they told me afterwards of these things), and struggling for power to articulate some deprecation I, meeting her eyes with unspeakable horror in my own, staggered a moment, then fell, as if she had struck me down.
CHAPTER II
When I was again aware of anything that could have belonged to the real world and not to the dreadful world of horrors, some terrible, some grotesque, in which my diseased brain had, during an inexplicable period, lived such life as it had known I was in my own room in Strathcairn-street. One of the first things I consciously noticed and thought about, was the fact that my bed had been moved, from the sleeping and dressing closet in which it usually stood, out into the open room.
My dreamy eyes took this fact in slowly; after a while, my drowsy brain languidly decided that this meant I had been some time ill, and that the bed had been moved in order to give me more air.
This settled, my weak mind was free to take note of, and feebly to speculate about, other facts.
A woman sat at work not far from my bedside. Which of the hospital nurses would this be, I wondered. She was working by the light of a shaded lamp. This was night, then, I supposed, or, at least, evening.
Was it summer or winter?
There was no fire burning in the grate, and, by the moving to and fro of a blind, I knew a window was open; so I concluded it was summer.
Night-time and summer-time. I had, then, settled something.
Next, who was this woman? I seemed to need to settle this also.
I could not see her face from where I lay. I watched the swift out-flying and return of the busy hand, and wondered about her, and impatiently fretted for her to turn round towards me, that I might see her face.
But she worked on.
I remember a lady once saying to me (long years after this time, but when she said it this scene returned upon me), " Work, indeed! needle- work!" she spoke with a bitter intonation and an infinite contempt. " Amuse myself with my needle! How often have I been counselled to do that! Such a sweet, soothing, quiet, gracious employment! So it is, for the satisfied, the happy, the occupied. Nothing can be sweeter than to sit at one's needle through a long summer-day, and dream over one's happiness, and think out one's thoughts. But if one be not happy, and if one's thoughts be dangerous? Or, if one be utterly weary and ennuyee, and the mind seems empty of all thought?
"To you men it is all one. To see a woman sitting at her needle makes you content. You think she is safe, out of mischief, just sufficiently amused, and so suitably occupied! Not too much engrossed to be ready to listen to and to serve your lordships; not so far ennuyee as to be disposed to make exacting claims upon your attention and your sympathy.
"Your eyes rest or her with satisfaction; she forms such a charming picture of housewifely repose and industry ' Ohne Hast ohne Bast.' You like to let your eyes rest upon her when you choose to look up from your paper, your review, or your wine. You feel at liberty to study her at your leisure, as you might a picture. It never occurs to you that mocking, miserable, mad thoughts may be haunting her brain that passion, desperation, despair, or that utter weariness, worse than all, may be in her soul!"
This woman, sitting by the shaded lamp in my room, worked on and on.
By-and-by, some lines of the throat and bust and shoulders began to be suggestive to my slow brain. They seemed to belong to some remembered person. To whom?
As well as I could see, this woman was dressed in white; a white, short gown, such as the peasant women wear, open at the throat, loose at the sleeve; probably because of the heat, she had taken off her outer dress. As I was straining to remember, a great sense of pressure upon my brain, descending on me, and grasping me with the tightening grasp of a cold and heavy hand, stopped me. I should have swooned into sleep, but just then the woman laid down her work, looked at a watch hanging near her, rose, and came towards the bed.
Immediately, I closed my eyes; but voluntarily.
She came close, bent- over me, as if listening for my breath. I felt her breath: was conscious even of the warmth and fragrance of her vitality, as she stooped over me. Presently she laid her hand upon my clammy forehead.
Instinct revealed to me who she was: without opening my eyes, I saw her. A cold sweat of horror broke out over me; such life as was left me, seemed oozing away through my pores; I was ready to sink into a swoon of death-like depth.
But I heard these words:
"That he may not die, great God, that he may not die!" And they arrested me on the brink of that horrible sinking away, to hold me on the brink instead of letting me fall through.
Somehow, those words, though they saved me for that moment, did not remove my sense of horror and fear, any more than is the victim who knows himself singled out for death by slow torture, comforted and reassured by the means taken to bring him back from his first swoon to consciousness of his next agony.
Was it, that physical weakness, and nearness to death, gave me clearer vision than that with which I saw later, when my senses had gathered power?
It was fear. I now experienced there is no denying it a most horrible fear. A shrinking of the spirit and of the flesh.
Why was I given over to her?
Was this another world, in which she had power given her to torment me? Was this my hell?
I, weak as a child, was alone with her. That awful woman with the terrible eyes, and the arms uplifted to curse me! The woman of my dread and dreadful dreams and fever-fancies.
Here, I believe, the icy waters of that horrible cold swoon closed over my consciousness.
But by-and-by (and whether after moments, hours, or even days, I had no means of knowing), when I felt the gentleness of the hand that was busy about me wiping the clammy moisture from my forehead, bathing it with ether, holding to my nostrils a strong reviving essence, wetting my stiff lips with brandy; when I felt a soft strong arm under my neck, slightly raising my head to lean it on the yielding breast when I felt the soothing comfort of the warmth, the softness, the fragrance of vitality, after the wormy chill of the grave, whose taste and smell seemed to linger in my mouth and nostrils then it seemed not hell but heaven to which I was delivered.
Presently she gave me to drink some restorative medicine which was measured out ready for me. I swallowed it. She wiped my lips. I closed my eyes. Silence was, as yet, unbroken between us.
That medicine was strong stuff: a few moments after I had taken it, life, and conscious delight in the sense of life, went tingling through me.
Almost afraid to speak, and yet too full of wonder to remain silent, after I had for some moments listened to the steady, somewhat heavy, pulsations of the heart so near which I leaned, I asked:
"Have I been long ill?"
"A month."
She had paused before she spoke, and her breast had heaved high was it, I have wondered since, in proud disgust to bear my hated head upon it?
She did not look at me as she spoke, I knew, for I didn't feel her breath.
"What sort of illness?"
"Congestion of the brain."
"Is the danger past?"
"If yon can be kept from dying of weakness."
"And how comes it that y on nurse me?"
"I have given myself np to be a nurse."
"And have yon nursed me all this month?"
"No, not the first week: not till after my child was buried."
The tone of that last answer made me shudder. It was so unnatural, in its perfect freedom from all emotion.
"I shall tire you," I said; "lay me down."
Fear was regaining its empire over me.
She did as I asked her, and, after she had arranged my pillows and the bedclothes neatly, moved to her work-table. The delicions sense of warm life was fast dying away out of me.
"Are yon Mrs. Rosscar?" I asked, presently, raising myself on one elbow, for an instant, to look at her.
"I am your nurse," she answered me, without looking np from her work.
I made another effort to try and get things explained and disentangled; but they were too much for me. Before I had framed another question I was overwhelmed by sleep.
That was my second "lucid interval." The first in which I was capable of speech, I believe. A week elapsed before I had another.
I knew something of what passed; I distinguished voices; I knew that Dr. Eearnwell was often in the room; I was conscious that I had a second nurse. I knew who she was: one of the hospital-nurses, a good, honest, hearty creature, but coarse and rough a woman never entrusted with the care of delicate cases; but she seemed to act here as servant to Mrs. Rosscar. I knew all these things, but they seemed to concern some other person. When I tried to recognise myself in things, to take hold of anything with distinct self-consciousness, then came those horrible sweats and swoons, and overwhelmed mev."
It was a strange wild phase of semi-existence, instructive to a man of my profession to pass through.
For some time after I had got on a good way towards recovery, I talked and thought of myself as "that sick man:" seemed to watch what was done to me, as if it were being done to some other person.
When this phase cleared off, the sense of relief was not unmixed: for I had so laboriously to take myself to myself again to learn that that sick man's history was mine, that his memories were mine, his remorses mine, that I often groaned at the labour of it.
"You would never have struggled through, but for the skill and the devotion of your nurse," Dr. Fearnwell said to me.
"So he thinks I have struggled through now," I remarked to Mrs. Rosscar when he was gone. " I must call you something different from ' nurse.' " I went on. " It is impossible that you and that good rough creature should share one title between you."
"I should share no title with any good creature."
"You know it was not that I meant."
"I know it was not that you meant."
"What may I call you?"
"You may call me, if you choose, by my own name, Huldah."
"Huldah!" I repeated. "I wish you had a softer name. It is difficult to say Huldah softly, and "
"I have known it said softly," she answered. " I have never, since I was a child, been called by that name, except by one person. You may call me by it."
Saying this, she let her eyes, which I had hardly ever, till then, for one moment, been able to meet, rest on mine with a heavy fulness of expression that sent a languid subtle fire through my veins that, also, made me again afraid: after meeting it, I watched, covertly, for its recurrence.
Mine was a long-protracted uncertain convalescence. I did not set my will towards growing well. I yielded myself up rather to the luxury of my position, yielded myself up, body and soul, as it were. I was under a spell of fascination not devoid of fear. The shock that felled me had come upon me when my whole health of mind and body was at a low ebb. In looking back, I recognise this, though I had not at the time been conscious of it. I had never, since I was a boy, given myself a holiday; never given one hour's indulgence to any passion but that of ambition, till I knew Mrs. Rosscar.
At the time of my meeting her, I had just come to the dregs of my powers, but was not yet conscious of the bitterness of those dregs.
Now, it seemed as if my whole nature moral, intellectual, physical voluntarily succumbed. I lay, as I have said, under a spell, and luxuriated in my own powerlessness. As yet it was not the bitter but the sweet dregs of the cup that were passing over my lips.
The weather was hot; boxes of mignonette, some heliotropes, and lemon-scented verbenas, were in my balcony. She watered them of an evening, and let the windows be open and the scent of them float in to me as I lay and watched her at her work.
While this delicions languid luxury of convalescence lasted, and did not pall upon me, why should I wish to get well? While she was there to feed me, I would not raise a hand to feed myself.
The truth was, that my nurse, my perfect nurse, of whom Dr. Eearnwell now and again spoke with an enthusiasm and effusion that would fire my weak brain with sudden jealousy; my nurse, who would, in untiring watchfulness and self-forgetting devotion to her task, have been a perfect nurse for any man who had been indifferent to her, to whom she had been indifferent, was now a most pernicious nurse to me.
I loved her with a desperate sort of passion: a love far more of the senses than the heart.
She was neither an innocent nor an ignorant woman. She knew exactly what to do and what to leave undone. She gave me no chance of growing indifferent through familiarity, if, indeed, with such beauty as hers that could have been possible. As I grew better, though always on duty near me, she was less and less in my room; ever oftener and oftener, when I longed in those cold half-swoonings and icy sweats of weakness, with an almost delirious longing to feel myself soothed and cherished, as on that first season of consciousness, by her close presence, there came to my call, not Mrs. Rosscar, but the other nurse, with her coarse good-tempered face, and her form, from which reducing, as it did, the sublime to the ridiculous, and the lovely to the loathsome, in its caricaturing exaggeration of all feminine charms I turned in disgust.
Every day Mrs. Rosscar seemed to me more beautiful. Every day I seemed to feel her beauty more bewilderingly and overpoweringly. Not so much the beauty of her face; it was strange how unfamiliar that remained to me, and how seldom I had a full look into it; whenever it was possible, it was averted from me; her eyes shunned mine, and she kept the room so dim, that I had little chance of studying her expression. If I noticed this, I accounted to myself for it by supposing her to be growing conscious of the burning fever of my passion. Not so much did the beauty of her face, I say, bind me prisoner. It was the beauty of her presence that so grew upon me: of her whole physical self, as it were. Of her mind and heart I knew nothing. With the music of her movement, the gracious delicacy and harmony of all she did, I was more and more captivated.
The accidents of the sick room, the perfect postures into which her limbs would fall when she slept the sleep of exhaustion, on the couch at the far end of my chamber, made me more and more conscious of the wonderful and rare perfection of proportion of her physical beauty. And yet it was something beyond this that enchained me.
Has the body a soul apart from the soul's soul?
Is there a soul of physical beauty?
But what I mean, escapes me as I struggle to express it.
In my strange passion for her, there was always something of fear.
Sometimes, in the night, I would lie awake, leaning on my elbow, and watch her sleep, and follow the rising and the falling of the now childless breast. At those times I always thought about the child, and wondered how she thought and how she suffered, and I wondered with a great awe. Was her heart dead? About all her soft gentleness there was no touch of tenderness. Did she nurse me mechanically, not caring whether it was I or another? Then recurred to me the first words I had heard her speak when I revived to consciousness: " That he may not die, great God, that he may not die!"
Remembering these first words of hers, I could hardly think her tendance mechanical or indifferent. Was she grateful to me, knowing I would have saved and healed her child? Then returned to me the scene by the small bed the awful eyes, the uplifted arms. Often, at this point of my thinking, I would cry aloud to find myself bathed in thao terrible cold sweat, and my cry would wake her, and her approach would then fill me with dread.
For a long time, things went on without change. I got neither worse nor better. Dr. Fearnwell grew impatient.
"Your heart continues strangely weak and irritable," he said one day; saying it, he looked I believe it was a pure accident from me to Mrs. Rosscar, and back to me. The sudden rush of heat to my face, then, possibly, suggested something to him; for he considered me gravely, and Mrs. Rosscar judicially. I wished, how I wished, that, for the time of the good doctor's eyes being on her, she could have looked ugly!
"We must try change," he said. "It will not do to go on like this; we must try change. You are a man with work to do in the world; you must be braced up to do it. The air of the town, and especially of your room, is enervating in this warm weather."
"I am far too weak to go out," I said. " It would kill me to move."
He paid no attention to that; he was reflecting.
"To-morrow," he went on, " I will call for you, in the afternoon; you can quite well bear a short journey in my carriage. I will take you to a farm-house in the country, pretty high up among the hills. There, you will soon get strong and well. You will be yourself again before the cold weather comes."
"I shall die of weariness," I answered, peevishly.
"Nothing of the kind; you will grow calm and strong."
"I can't possibly do without a great deal of nursing yet."
"The good woman of the farm is a kind motherly creature; she will do all that is necessary she and one of her cows, from which you must take plenty of new milk."
At that moment I hated Dr. Fearnwell. I do not know what answer I might not have made him, but Mrs. Rosscar spoke, and my attention was immediately arrested.
"I am very glad you proposed this change, Dr. Fearnwell," she said. " It relieves me of a difficulty. I am unable to remain here longer. I have had news from my own neighbourhood that calls me south. Nurse Wilkins is hardly competent to undertake the sole charge of my patient in his present stage of convalescence; but the farmer's wife and the cow, between them" she smiled, one of her very rare and very brief smiles "will get me over my difficulty."
"We are to lose you? You are unable to remain here longer?" Dr. Fearnwell said.
He paid me a long visit that day, but very little of his attention was given to me; he seemed to be studying Mrs. Rosscar with roused interest.
"She is too beautiful and too young for the vocation she has chosen," he said, byand-by, when she had, for a few moments, left the room. "Besides that, she is a woman with a preoccupied mind, with a memory, or a purpose."
His last words made me shudder, but I returned him some sulky dissenting answer. That this woman was the mother of the poor little child on whom we had operated, he did not know, or suspect.
"My poor fellow, I see you're in a devil of a temper. But I don't care; what I'm doing is for your good if only I have done it soon enough."
"Oh! People are so very brave, always, in their operations for other people's good," I remarked, still as sulky as a bear, and yet troubled by the sound of my own words. I was mad enough to believe that Dr. Fearnwell was himself in love with my nurse, and jealous of me!
"You'll live to thank me for what I'm doing, or to reproach me for not having done it sooner," he said, and then took leave of me.
Mrs. Rosscar returned to the room, finding me, of course, in the deepest dejection and sullenness. She looked at me, as she entered, with some curiosity or interest. It was very rarely that she spoke, except in reply; very rarely that she approached me, except when some service made it needful she should do so. To-day, she spoke first, coming to my side, within reach of my hand, but averting her face from me. She took up her work, and then said:
"So it is settled? You go into the country to-morrow?"
"I don't know that it is at all settled. I am not an idiot, or a baby, that I should do exactly what I'm told. I am well enough now, to have a will of my own. Probably, when he calls for me, I shall say, 'I will not go!'"
"Do not say that," she returned, earnestly. " Go, I advise you. It is true that I cannot stay here longer."
"It is true that here, or there, or anywhere, I cannot live without you," I said, in a passionate outburst.
"I own that you are not yet well enough to go without your accustomed nurse," she answered, " and your nurse does not like to have an incomplete case taken out of her hands. But, after the way in which Dr. Fearnwell spoke to-day, after the insinuations contained in his look to-day, I could no longer nurse you here, where I am always liable to be seen by him."
"Do you mean " I began, with a great throbbing joy.
"I mean that if you go with the doctor to-morrow, you may find that your nurse will soon join you, if "
"I will promise anything," I cried, grasping her hand.
"If you will be controlled and prudent, and will not again expose me to the doctor's remarks."
"I will do, or not do, anything you tell me to do, or not to do."
"Have you a sister?"
"No."
"Does Dr. Fearnwell know you have no sister?"
"He knows nothing of me, except as a student."
"Tell him to-morrow, then, and tell the people at the farm, that your sister is coming to join you. Dr. Fearnwell won't come out often: when he does, it will be easy to devise some reason for his not seeing ' your sister.' "
She stopped the outburst of my gratitude by rising to leave the room. Not only by this, but by the look she gave me a dark, inscrutable, terrible look pondering over which I grew cold.
Next day, she asked Dr. Fearnwell, when he came to fetch me, how to address to me at the farm, giving no reason for her question, which, indeed, required none. It was natural that she should wish to write to the patient to whom she had for two months devoted herself unwearyingly.
In late August and early September, the Haunted Holly Farm, under the edge of the Grey Moor, was a delicious place. Dr. Fearnwell, who had, no doubt, chosen it for its austere severity of situation, and the absence of all softness and luxuriance in its surroundings, had no knowledge of the old walled south- sloping garden, lying at some distance from the house, where, because of the bleakness of the spot, all flowers blossomed late: Midsummer blossoms postponing themselves often till August; and where, because of the good soil and the pure air, they blossomed profusely. Nor did he take note of the one great meadow, now grey for the scythe, into which the flagged path, rose-bordered, of this garden opened through a grand old gate, with carved pillars and sculptured urns, and, on each side, an ancient limetree, the sole remnants of a glorious old avenue. The farm had been one of the dependencies of a great mansion.
On the second afternoon after I had come to the farm for more than four-andtwenty hours she had let me know what it was to be without her Mrs. Rosscar, ' my sister,' sat with me in the old garden, a profuse wilderness of roses and of honeysuckles; and in the meadow before us the hay was down, and the air full of its fragrance. She let me hold her hand in mine, she let me press close to her with a passionate desire to satisfy the hunger for her presence, created by her absence.
"God bless Dr. Fearnwell!" I cried. " To be ill in that dingy room in Strathcairn- street was exquisite beyond anything I have known, while you nursed me; but to grow well in this enchanting place, where the air feels like the elixir of life, with you always beside me!"
She smiled, a smile of which I saw the beginning only; for she turned her head aside. Then she sighed, and said, softly:
"And when you are well? "When you have no longer any excuse for claiming 1 nurse' or ' sister'?"
There was in her voice, as she said this, for the first time, a slight tremulousness.
"Then," I cried, passionately; the air, the beauty of the place, her beauty, completely intoxicating me; " I shall claim a wife. I can never again do without you. You must marry me!"
Her hand moved in mine, but not with any effort to withdraw itself. She turned her face still further aside, but through the muslin that covered her bosom she had in these days discarded her close black dresses, though wearing always mourning I saw that the warm blood rushed across her snowy neck and throat.
By that emboldened, I pressed her for an answer, for a promise of her love. She turned on me.
"That I should love you!" she said. " Is it credible?"
She rose and left me. I sat where she had left me, pondering what might be the meaning of those words, of the voice in which they were spoken, of the look that accompanied them. The voice had none of the music of her voice; the look was incomprehensible; I could read in it, it seemed to me, anything rather than love. And yet I confidently, audaciously, believed that she loved me, but that she struggled against her love.
What motive could she have, but love, for devoting herself to me thus? Why risk good name and fame, which to so proud a woman as I thought her, could hardly be indifferent. What could I conclude but that she loved me? And yet with what a strange fashion of love so cold, so passive, so irresponsive! With so slight a difference, if with any difference, one might so easily express disgust.
I must have sat a long time where she had left me; for when a hand was laid on my shoulder, and a voice said, near my ear: " My patient, you must come in, the dew begins to fall," looking up, I found that the sunset was burning in the west, and that the stars were beginning to show.
Somehow, the way that hand touched my shoulder, and the slight accentuation on that word "my," made me shudder. She was like Fate claiming a victim. It was only the chill of the evening that sent such a thought through me. Indoors, by-and-by, when the curtains were drawn and the logs blazed on the open hearth, and she made my tea and brought it to me, and tended me with all watchful observance, I entered again into my fool's paradise.
And so, again, next day, as, through the hot drowsy afternoon hours, she sat, and I lay beside her, on the warm hay, under the shadow of the still fragrant boughs of one of those late-blossoming limes. My head was in her lap, and my cheek was pressed against the blue- veined inner side of that warm white arm.
Beyond this meadow, stretched wave after wave of yellow corn, all in a shimmer and glimmer of heat, running down the hill, overflowing the plain, seeming, from where we were, to wash up to the very feet of the castle- dominated romantic old city.
With eyes growing more dreamy and more drowsy every moment, I watched the glisten and sheen till I fell asleep. I fancy I slept some time. I awoke suddenly and with a sense of alarm. I had had a strange and dreadful dream; words of deadly hate had been hissed into my ear by a serpent, and its cold coil had been wound round my throat.
My hand went quickly to my throat when I awoke, and there lay across it nothing dreadful only a heavy tress of Mrs. Rosscar's hair, which, slipping loose, had uncoiled itself as she bent over me.
I looked up into her eyes with the horror of my dream still on me. Did I expect to find love shed down on me from them? They held mine a moment; they were full of darkness, but, as I looked up something softened the darkness. She smiled; in her smile there was some pity.
"I was half afraid to let you sleep," she said, " but on such an afternoon, I thought there could be no danger."
"Danger! What danger?"
"Of your taking cold. What other danger could there be? You look as if you had been dreaming painfully, my poor boy."
She had never so addressed me before.
"I have been dreaming horribly, " I said. " Lying on your lap, on such a day, in such a place, how could that be possible!"
She would not meet my eyes.
"I am not at all sure I have not taken cold," I said, with a shudder, half real and half assumed.
"You must come in at once, and take some hot drink. Come."
We both rose and walked to the house. I leaned on her arm: not that I now needed its support, but I liked to feel the soft, warm arm under my hand, and I liked to remind her of my dependence upon her.
I often wondered, and with uneasy wonder, that she never spoke of her child: never, so far as I knew, wept for it. But she was a strangely silent woman. As I have said, she very rarely spoke first, or, as it were, voluntarily; and when she responded to what was said to her, it was always as briefly as possible. It seemed as if she understood how expressive was every movement of her gracious form; how needless for her, compared with other beings, was speech, even of the eyes, far more of the lips. Anything approaching to liveliness of movement, or of voice, would have been out of harmony with her being. She was more fit to be set on a costly pedestal and gazed at, than to move in the common ways of this common world, I thought. And each unconscious pose of hers was so completely beautiful that I always thought until I noted the next "that is how I would have you stand, that I might gaze on you for ever!"
Though I believed she loved me, I was not satisfied. I remembered her as she had been upon the river that day, and I felt that she was changed. I remembered the smiles she had shed upon her child. If only she would smile so, once, at me but she never did. Once, I had implored her for a full eye to eye look, and for a smile. Then, she had turned her face to mine; had fixed her eyes on mine; but the dark quiet eyes were inscrutable. Suddenly, just as I believed I was going to read them, she covered them with her hands, and turned her head away.
One evening, as we sat together in the warm twilight by the hearth, I tried to break down the silence between us about the child.
"Huldah!" I said, "you have not told me where your little child is lying. Let us go together to the grave. Let me weep there with you let " I stopped suddenly, with a cold damp on my brow, as I remembered the awful eyes, the arms raised, and the lips moving to curse me, of this very woman by whom I sat. I felt a slight convulsion of the frame round which I had drawn my arm; but when she spoke it was in the qnietest voice:
"We will go there together; but not yet."
"When?"
"When you are stronger; when I am your wife."
"And you will let that be soon?"
"Yes, it must be soon."
It seemed to me her heart was beatingvery heavily. I told her so.
"It is full," she said, drawing a deep breath. " It is over-full."
"Of what?"
"Cannot you guess?" She leaned her face close down to mine, too close for me to be able to read it. "It is strange if you cannot guess," she added.
"If only I dared to read it by my own," I said.
"Dare to read it by your own," she answered.
"My heart is heavy and over-full with love of you, Huldah."
"And must not mine be heavy and full with love of you? Of you so generous that you are willing to make of an unknown woman your wife: to give her your name, not asking her right to the name she bears, or to any name."
She spoke more quickly than I had ever heard her speak: still with her face so close to mine that I could not read it.
"Generous? I generous in being ready to give for that without which everything else is worthless, all that is only any worth through that."
"That is it!" she said, with something approaching to eagerness (so answering, I thought afterwards, some inward scruple). " It is to yourself you are ready to sacrifice yourself: not to me. Suppose I tell you I have no right to the name you call me by, or to any name; that though a mother, I have never been a wife; that I shame your name if I take it; that "
"You can shame nothing; you and shame are not to be named together. I want to know nothing of your past. What you are, is enough for me, and what you will be my wife!"
She answered me never a word. She suffered my caresses as she suffered my other forms of speech. Not one slightest hand- pressure, even of a finger.
My wooing of her, was like the wooing of a statue, if only a statue could have been exquisitely warm and soft and, by contact, could have thrilled one with intensest life.
A day was fixed for our marriage. The time went on. I cannot say that it lingered, or that it flew; it was, to me, a time of intoxication not quite untroubled by occasional pangs, and pauses of sobriety, for sometimes in those deep dark eyes of hers I surprised expressions that troubled me sometimes looks of pity sometimes darker looks than I could understand.
At last there came an evening when, as we parted for the night, I said: " After this night, only one night more, and then a day after which nothing but Death shall part us!"
An hour afterwards, not being able to sleep, I came back into the sitting-room for a book. She was sitting before the embers, which threw a lurid light upon her face, and upon her hands clasped round her knees.
She was so far absorbed that she did not hear the approach of my slippered feet across the floor.
I spoke to her, throwing myself at her feet. I poured out a passion of foolish eloquence. To my wonder, to my horror, to my fear, to my delight, she burst into a terrible storm of weeping.
I tried to soothe her as a lover might; but she rose, withdrew herself, and leaned against the oaken chimney-piece until the storm subsided.
I pressed to know the cause of this, grasping her hands to detain her.
"I find I am not a fiend, not an avenging spirit, only a woman a weak, miserable, wretched woman." She would tell me no more; she rid herself of my grasp, as if my hands had had no more strength in them than an infant's. " To-morrow," she said, " by my child's grave, I will tell you more." So, she left me; to be all that night sleepless, and haunted by her perplexing words.
Soon after breakfast we set out, through the soft grey autumn morning, for the child's grave.
I had not known, until now, where the little creature was buried.
It was not a short walk; chiefly across the moors till the close of it, when we dropped down suddenly, into a little jewel of a green dell, where was the smallest of churches, overshadowed by the biggest of yew-trees.
Through all the walk she had hardly spoken. The few times I spoke to her, she did not seem to hear me. Perhaps she had never, since the loss of her child, looked so softly beautiful. I had never felt myself held further aloof from her, had never been more afraid of her. I followed her through the churchyard gate to the little grave.
"She lies here."
The turf on that small grave had not yet drunk deep enough of the autumn rains, to look fresh and green.
"It has had no tears shed on it. It is dry and scorched, like my heart, like my heart!"
She stood motionless and speechless for a time that seemed to me immense; her drooped eyes seemed to be looking into the earth. Presently she sank npon her knees, then dropped npon the grave, pressing her breast against it, and laying on it, first one cheek and then the other. By-and-by, she rose again to her knees. When she spoke it was brokenly, piteonsly.
"I cannot do it, I cannot do it! The mother in me will not let me. My child will not let me. Yon were once kind to her. Yon made her happy for one bright blessed day. Bertram, poor boy! I had thought to do it, when I was yonr wife. But here, on my child's grave, I recal the cnrse I invoked npon yon by her deathbed. I am only a weak miserable woman, not even able to hate or to cnrse! . Everything, even revenge, is lost to me with what lies here!"
She threw herself down again npon the grave in ntter abandonment of grief; and I, leaning against the yew-tree, watched her, weeping there. I have not mnch consciousness of what transacted itself in my brain, meanwhile. I think I realised nothing clearly. I fancy I had a feeling of saying to myself, " I told you so" as if something I had been expecting long, had happened at last. A soft drizzling rain that blotted out the distance, and blurred the landscape, began to fall. Of this she, lying always with her face pressed down upon the turf, was not aware, though I saw her shawl grow sodden under it. I remember well the words with which I recalled her to herself. They showed the blankness of my brain and how little I comprehended the situation; yet, even as I spoke them, I was smitten by their imbecility.
"It is raining," I said. "I am cold and wet. It drips through this shelter. I shall be ill again. Let us go home."
I was tired, benumbed, mind and body. I stumbled and walked vaguely. She made me lean on her arm, and led me home. Even more silently than we had come, we went.
I was trying to believe all the way, that I believed that to-morrow everything would be as it was to have been, in spite of this episode, and in spite of my sense of my utter powerlessness under my bondage to her. When we reached the house she was tenderly careful of me.
That evening she told me her history, and what had been her proposed revenge. She had designed to make me love her madly. That she had done. She had designed to let me marry her, who had been a mother and not a wife. She had designed, as the wife of my infatuated love and unspeakable passion, to have cursed me as her child's butcher, at her child's grave. She had designed or was the nameless dread and horror of my illness taking this terrific form in its flight? when she had thus slowly ground down my heart to its last grain of misery and grief, to murder me in my bed.
"I could have married you for hate," she said; " but for such love as has arisen in my soul for you if indeed it is love, or anything but compassion and kindness towards the poor wretch I have helped back to life never!"
She left the farm that night. I never saw her again.