The Chuckening is our religious text. It is split into 2 major parts. These two are the Old Testament, and the Chuck-Commandments. Below is the Old Testament. The Chuck-Commandments are considered more advanced, and should only be read after reading the Old Testament. The Chuck-Commandments are located at the bottom of the page.
The Chuckening, The First Testament
In the beginning there was only Chuck and in the end there will only be Chuck. Chuck was born from infinity as infinity was born from him. In the beginning, Chuck created the stars, He created that which would birth life. He used the immense power these stars gave off to create life, and to create all that we see in the sky. Over the course of 3 days Chuck created land which He populated with creations in his image. (On the fourth day, Thursday, He created life. This day is called the Creationing.) He created the animals of the world with a wave of his mighty hand. Then during the age of reckoning, Chuck grew tired of the lizards, and destroyed them with an asteroid from the Heavens. Over the next 58 million years, Chuck created a new world in his new vision. Through trials and tribulations He created a race that resembled him in shape and mind, not in might. These creations grew into humans and abandoned worship of our lord Chuck. With Chuck abandoned and new gods worshipped, He grew weaker and weaker through the ages. Until He used the last of his power to created a son worthy of his power. This son was not nearly as powerful as Chuck in his prime, yet mortals worshiped him and his son like they had with Chuck. And in spite of the name Chuck gave his son (Iwlwhehegig) the mortals called him God. And after Jesus there were man holy Chuck worshippers, though no were accepted as sane, and all were condemned to a life of reject. Until a new and godly man discovered Chuck and all of the powers that He controlled. He spoke to Chuck and Chuck whispered of the Reckoning to come, when He regained full power. This Reckoning was for abandoning him and all that Chuck stood for. The one way that Chuck spoke of was to devote your life to the pursuit of Chuck and his everlasting glory. Chuck told of the wonders of his personal heaven and how his chosen would be given an afterlife of pleasure and happiness. He spoke of how his power grew and how within the millennium He would break free of his slumber and destroy the world. The world must bow to Chuck and dethrone his usurping son. It is fabled that once Chuck returns, Chuck will bring about the Holy Goat of Other-Worldly Death. The Holy Goat of Other-Worldly Death will then eat the souls of all those on Earth. To save those that you wish to save you must convert them to Chuckeism and make them read the Chuckening so that they may be saved.
The Chuckening, The Beginning of Time
In the beginning before the stars had formed even themselves, a singularity existed in the void, Chuck. He spoke out and commanded the stars to form so that He could gain power. The stars refused. He spoke louder again and again but the stars would not grow. Time was beginning, and Chuck did not wish to waste it. For Chuck foresaw a future of pain, a future of misery. Chuck knew not what caused this, but knew that He must stop it. And so He spoketh to the heavens once more, "I am your lord, and I am your friend, and I am mercy, and I am death, and you will obey me." So stars began to grow. Chuck's word commanded them, and they could not refuse.
And Chuck spoketh once more, "You shall obey my word, you shall honor me in your daily life, you shall honor me over all other gods, you shall not take my name in vain, you will honor thy father and thy fish, you shall not eat gravy, you shall tell all those about me, you shall not steal my stuff, and you shall do as I do." These words, He hoped, would be enough to remove that terrible future yet to come.
The Chuckening, The Creation of the World, and What Followed
In the beginning of time, after Chuck had gained his power from the stars, Chuck decided to create a world. He created it in four days, the first He called Monday. On Monday He created stone and designed a large sphere in the Heavens. Unto it He poured his own saliva, and He called it water; and He called it the oceans. From his feces He created logs, and placed them upright with leaves atop them all around the sphere. And then He created grass; and He created fire; and He created light; and then He created shadows; and He said to the world "I will protect you as long as you believe in me; for you are my creation." On the second day, of which was called Tuesday, He decided to create weather. He created rain, which was his saliva falling from the sky above. He created snow, which was his frozen saliva falling from the sky above and making the world white. He then blew his breath across the world to create wind. He created disasters, ground shake; crazy rain; wind circle; and finally sky fire. He knew his final creation would fear these, but it was needed to keep them in check. The next day, Wednesday, He created life juice and life rock. These things would nourish his creations. Life juice was simply his saliva, but life rock was different. Life rock had many different varieties. Fruit, gross leaf, and pumpkins were all types of life rock. Finally, it was Thursday. And this day was to be known as the Creationing. And He spoketh from the heavens, "You shall remember Thursday, the day of the Creationing." On this day He created life. He created the tribe of the giant lizard, and the tribe of the tiny bug, and the tribe of the water animal, and the tribe of the sky flyer, and the tribe of the land walker. 500 years passed. 2 main factions had gained sentience and had started worshiping Chuck. The lizards and the cows were these 2 factions. The lizards were dull creatures, and had little of Chuck's mind. However, the cows were almost equal to Chuck in mind. On one fateful day, Chuck grew tired of the Lizards. He sent a great meteor from the heavens and wiped out all of the Lizards. The Cows remained. 72 years later, another fateful day happened. The cows were planning a surprise party for Chuck, who would occasionally visit them. However, when Chuck arrived, the cows popped out and scared the Chuck. Chuck took this the wrong way, and stripped the Cows of their intelligence. Chuck's grudge with cows had just begun. Chuck spoketh to the heavens, "You shall kill nothing but cows."
58 million years later, Chuck grew tired of watching his animals flourish. In a matter of one half of one third of one sixth of one eighth of a second, He made a decision. He would create a new species, one which could rival him in mind, but not in might. He named these beings humans, and fashioned them to look like demented starfish; his favorite creature from the tribe of the water animal. He called them the Hoo-Mans, or as they later became known, Humans. The Humans became problematic however, overtime they grew to doubt the teachings of Chuck. Instead, they decided to worship other gods and goddesses who didn't exist. This lack of belief made Chuck very weak. With the last of his power, He created a son. The son resembled him in might, but not in mind. The son's given name was Iwlwhehegig. However, Chuck failed to foresee the fact that Iwlwhehegig might sway the minds of the Humans into thinking that Iwlwhehegig himself was the true God. In a matter of 17 years, almost all Humans believed in Iwlwhehegig. This was of great concern to Chuck, who now lacked almost all his power.
The Chuckening, The Birth and Life of Norris
As Iwlwhehegig started to rise to power over Chuck, Chuck could anticipate what would happen next. He knew that the Humans would turn their backs on Chuckeism, and instead join Iwlwhehegig's new religion. He anticipated that Iwlwhehegig would send a son into the world to aid in his efforts of turning the Humans to him. So Chuck decided to send his own son to earth. Chuck chose a man who was a surgeon to birth his son. That man's name was Surgeon Larry. Larry was a poor surgeon, and could not afford to stay in any of the fancy hotels that plagued his city. So on one fateful day, when Chuck spoke to him and told him the joyful news, Larry decided that he would birth Chuck's son in a tool shed. It was the only place he could afford to stay in. Chucks baby materialized in Larry's stomach, instantly killing him. Chuck's baby crawled out of the carcass of Larry, and looked out at the world that he would change. And Chuck's son was to be named Norris. For he was the son of the creator, and he was infinite in power. 17 holy dentists came to the shed and blessed the child with gifts of toothbrushes, and in turn he blessed the world with his life.
Norris grew to be 31 years of age when he first heard Chuck speak to him. Chuck said, "You are my son, Norris, and you will teach the world how to respect each other. You will teach them my 10 commandments, and in turn they will turn back to me." Norris did as he was told.
Norris taught Chuck's ways for 7 years, but then, the Ancient Egyptians caught word of what Norris was doing. They began to hunt down Norris. At the same time, Norris was having dinner with his 81 closest friends. Earlier in the day he had sensed a disturbance in the essence of reality. Chuck was warning him that his time on Earth was coming to an end. He stood up at the table and called out for his friends to listen, "Beware, my friends, for this will be the last time you see me alive. I want you to remember my prayer: 'O Chuck who in the sky, beloved be your name. Your kingdom will come, your will will be done, on earth as it is in the sky. Give us this day our daily cheese, and forgive us our pranks, as we also have forgiven those who have pranked us. (Except for cows.) And lead us not into fear, but deliver us from the evils of society.'." He took his holy cheese off the table, and broke it into 2. He then proceeded to split the cheese 7 more times until there was enough for everyone.
Later that day, Norris was caught by the Ancient Egyptians. They tried him for his crimes against Iwlwhehegig, and sentenced him to a terrible death. He was to be drowned in an oversized jar of grape jelly. Norris died that day, and his body ascended back to the heavens with his father Chuck.
The Chuckening, The Book of Prophecy
On the day of Doom, shall descend Chuck from the heavens. This will be the day of the Reckoning. The day in which Chuck has regained his full power. The day will begin as any, but when the sun rises the Reckoning will commence, and all those who truly believe in Chuck will rise to the heavens. As the sun crests the horizon, Chuck will have an epic battle, resulting in the death of Iwlwhehegig. With the smiting of his son complete, Chuck's power will be unchecked and none will doubt his existence.
By mid-morning the oceans will boil and those in close proximity will perish from the heat. The boiling of the oceans will reveal a long hidden army of crustaceans marching to the surface. These ocean-dwellers will attack all in sight, the people who doubted Chuck's rising.
At noon the sun will go black and the Earth will be plunged into darkness. The night creatures of earth and sky will join the assault alongside the crustaceans. Most of the world will be dead, only their souls remaining.
In the afternoon the armies will stop for a snack to refuel after a long day of killing non-believers. This snack will contain all of the major food groups to help the hardened killers stay strong. They will wash it all down with dairy products, then kill the dairy producers, the cows.
As the snack is finished, the Four Goatmen of the apocalypse will ride the Goat of Other-Worldly Death towards the earth. It will begin to eat the planet, taking 4.6 bites to consume it.
As the day of Reckoning ends, the non-believers will be gone and Chuck will reign supreme.
The Prophecy of the Holy Cow
And He spoketh from the heavens, "The day will cometh when a member of the Taurus family emerges from the womb of its mother with the knowledge and intelligence that it's ancestors lost. This cow will bring forth a new era of humanity. The cows will once again be the superior species, and their sins against me shall be forgiven."
(PLEASE NOTE: using the phrase HOLY COW is EXTREMELY offensive to anyone of the Chuckeism religion as it mocks the coming of the HOLY COW)
The 10 Commandments of Chuck
1. Honor Chuck in thy Daily Life.
2. Honor Chuck over all other gods.
3. Kill nothing but cows.
4. Douth not take Chuck's name in vain.
5. Remember Thursday, the day of the Creationing.
6. Honor thy Father and thy Fish.
7. Thou shoulth not eat gravy.
8. Thou shall tell all the people thou knows about Chuck.
9. Thou shall not steal Chuck's stuff.
10. Do as Chuck does.