MY SAD, SAD STORY or How I Deprogrammed Myself After Waldorf A friend once asked me how I managed to shake the cobwebs out of my brain after graduating from a Waldorf school. In an attempt to answer, I wrote the following report, which I have revised for use here. I offer this report only as a personal memoir, not as a guide for others. Each individual affected by a Waldorf education probably needs to find her/his own path. — R.R. How can one recover from a Waldorf "education"? Nowadays, there are support groups and services for Waldorf graduates and their parents, such as the Survivors List at People for Legal and Nonsectarian schools (http://waldorfcritics.org/ ). As far as I know, there was nothing of the sort in the dim, distant year of 1964, when I graduated from a Waldorf school. The upshot was that if I was going to get deprogrammed, I would have to do it myself. This, I think, is probably why the process took so long. I think my essential nature inclines toward rationality, more or less. I like things to make sense, more rather than less. But my essential nature was deeply buried, and almost obliterated, by my Waldorf schooling. When I graduated from Waldorf, I was truly directionless and befogged. Trying to figure out who I really was — trying to reconnect with my true nature — was a miserable, dark slog. It took me decades, literally. But eventually I started to see a little light. The first step toward sanity was college. When I arrived on campus, I was a nut. Because of my Waldorf "education," I was deeply disconnected from the real world, and deeply ignorant of it. To my surprise, I loved college. It was an intellectual feast for one who had been intellectually starved. So, I started learning about the real world. I have always loved to read, and now I started reading sensible books, bracingly different from the novels of C.S. Lewis, the epics of J.R.R. Tolkien, SCIENCE IS A SACRED COW, Norse myths, ON THE TRACK OF UNKNOWN ANIMALS, and all the other fantasies I had been fed at Waldorf. I don't want to misrepresent anything or applaud myself. I say that I loved college. But it took me awhile to figure that out (d'oh). I was not wholly the product of my Waldorf schooling, of course. Other factors influenced me: my family, my church (Lutheran), etc. Indeed, I had become a bit skeptical of Waldorf during my final years there (see my essay “Unenlightened”). Nonetheless, I emerged from Waldorf as if from a brainwashing experiment. If my mind had not been wholly captured, my imagination and desires had been. I yearned for things this world does not offer. One consequence (for me and many other Waldorf graduates) was a disinclination and an inability to lead a normal life, engage in normal activities, seek normal objectives... I was unfit for reality. I dropped out of the first college I attended. I was still so lost, I couldn't even begin to guess where my salvation lay. A few months later, I enrolled at another college, and I completed a few courses before dropping out again. I could have drifted away at the point and become — what? A deadbeat? A backwoods recluse? I don't know. But something had happened to me at that second college — I'd been exposed to a few examples of rationality and good sense. I'd taken courses in psychology, and Shakespeare, and anthropology (that’s “anthropology,” not “anthroposophy”) — I'd gotten just enough exposure to real learning, I guess, to lead me to a third college. This third time stuck. I stayed right through graduation, becoming an "Honors Scholar" along the way, and winning a scholarship as reputedly the best English major. (This message is being brought to you by an uninterested member of Phi Beta Kappa.) But believe me, I was still a mess. If I became a good student, that was, in a sense, the pose I adopted so no one would see what a whacked-out screw-up I really was. Once or twice, I tried to describe my Waldorf schooling to my college friends, but what I had to say was so inconceivable to them that I got very little benefit from the effort. I also tried psychiatry — I visited the college's shrink a few times — but again, there seemed to be no point. I couldn't articulate my confusion and pain, and the compassionate man who wanted to help me had no way of grasping what I'd experienced during my Waldorf childhood. My "pose" as a good student was just about the only thing I had going for me. (Looking back, I don't think I had more than three or four dates in college, and they were all awkward, embarrassed exercises in mutual misunderstanding. I never dated the same girl twice, and my dates occurred perhaps once per year. Good grief.) But I was a good student, and this actually was more than a pose. I loved learning, so much so that I went on to graduate school and then became a college instructor. All the while, however, I still considered myself a romantic (in the Wordsworthian sense, not the Robert Redfordish), a spiritual seeker, perhaps a transcendentalist. I knew I wasn't a disciple of Steiner's. I'd tried to read a couple of his books, but they seemed to me arid and stupid. I knew, in fact, that they represented what I wanted to get away from. But, still, I remained in many ways a specimen of Anthropop brainwashing. I was still in the clutches of a vague mysticism and a Waldorf-induced alienation from reality. Take a specific, Waldorf-weird example: My Waldorf school's small library contained books on UFOs, abominable snowmen, and other fictitious phenomena, presented as if these phantoms actually exist. We students at Waldorf were encouraged to give credence to all manner of fabulous nonsense. Thus, I left Waldorf believing in UFOs. [1] All during college and right up to the time I got tenure on an English faculty, I would scan the night skies looking for UFOs. And I saw some! Except, except... My rational nature was slowly emerging, and I eventually realized that all I had seen were lights in the sky, which could have been anything. I never saw a flying disc, I never got abducted, I never met a little green man. I came to understand that I was fooling myself, wishing to see something so hard that I (almost) convinced myself that I had. But I hadn't. So: Reading, mulling, doubting, trying to be honest with myself... You get the idea. I had to admit, eventually, that I could not defend any of my romantic, Waldorfish beliefs or attitudes. There was a severe mismatch between the real world, about which I was gradually learning, and the visions I still carried around in my head. Discovering existentialism was a big step for me — the concept of authenticity. I slowly realized how inauthentic I was. So here was the most painful part: Gradually, one at a time, I had to throw away all my old, Waldorf-instilled attitudes and beliefs — I had to throw away a large portion of my very identity and try to build a new one, almost from scratch. Stumbling across Zen Buddhism was also a big step. I am not an existentialist, today, nor am I a Buddhist of any stripe. [2] But I was glad to get help wherever I could find it. (I read I'M OK, YOU'RE OK — an embarrassing admission — and got some good out of it. The idea that I might be OK was a revelation.) So: Zen. I loved the parables and conundrums — delightful, funny, and beneficial teachings. No doctrines. No unprovable claims about alternate spirit realms. Buddhism is therapeutic, and the underlying ethic is: If it works, if it lessens your suffering, do it; and if it doesn't work, stop. My favorite Zen parable was and is the one about a goose egg that hatched inside a bottle. The goose grew up there, trapped inside the bottle; it became far too big to crawl out through the bottle's neck. How can the poor goose get out of the bottle? The Zen master claps his hands and says, "The goose is out of the bottle!" Right on. Don't be where you don't want to be; get out, get on. Don't try to stop your suffering. Just stop suffering. Just be outsider the bottle. Easier said than done, of course. But, still, I found this to be useful advice. Waldorf screwed you up? Get over it. Another of my favorite Zen sayings is "Is your bowl dirty? Then clean it." Yes. If the situation is bad, change it. Don't hire someone to do it for you, don't buy a dishwasher — just clean your dirty bowl and stop whining. So I made a little progress, slowly, haltingly. It was not a straight-line ascent, by any means. I had periods of suffering, depression, nervous exhaustion. Ten years after Waldorf, I was still a secret loony. Fifteen years after Waldorf, I was walking around in the real world, but I felt it to be a very strange place — I was a misfit in almost all ways. Twenty years out — I guess I can say I had more or less deprogrammed myself by then. But think of it. Twenty years after I was 18: I'm saying I can't claim to have found my footing in reality until I was approaching my fortieth year. Good grief! This, of course, is why I am now a Waldorf critic. It's why I have posted so many essays on the Web. I don't want anybody else to go through what I did. Not that I have any illusions about making a huge difference for anyone or anything. Nor do I think mine is the Saddest Story Ever Told. Billions of people have had, and now have, much harder lives than I've had. But if I can help one family, here or there, just a little, then I'll feel that perhaps I've made a contribution. P.S. At just about the time I started my studies as a grad student, I met my future wife. (We’ve been together ever since — you do the math.) She was my invaluable partner in my efforts to de-Waldorf myself. She knew nothing about Waldorf, Steiner, or Anthroposophy. Nonetheless she saved me. For some reason, she found worth in me, and today, looking back, I doubt that I would have made it without her. So, thank you, dearest. To my surprise, life can be good. ![]() [1] UFOs are not a major topic in Anthroposophical discourse, but they crop up from time to time. [See the entry for "flying saucers" in The Brief Waldorf / Steiner Encyclopedia.] My point is that I left Waldorf having been encouraged to believe in all sort of fabulous nonsense. ![]() ![]() [R.R., 2009.] ![]() ![]() Yrs trly, in the Waldorf receiving line, graduation day, 1964. ![]() ![]() Think hard before sending a child to a Waldorf school. The underlying ideology there is occult. If you explore the teachings of Rudolf Steiner, you will find innumerable examples. Here's one — no weirder than others, but also no less weird. Waldorf faculty members tend to take such teachings as gospel. Note, by the way, that this come from a lecture ostensibly about Christianity. The "Christianity" at Waldorf schools is in fact a pagan blend of many religions along with superstitions and fantasies.
![]() ![]() Aurora. All the beauty, spirit, truth, and ascendance that really exists or is possible can be found in the real world. Fantastical alternatives, such as Steiner's, are unnecessary. [Photo by Joshua Strang.] P.S. Late in August, 2009, I wrote the following sequel. The occasion was a message on an online discussion list; I read the message and posted the following reply (which I have revised for use here). If you'd like to see my original or the message that prompted it, go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/waldorf-critics/message/11644. -—- In waldorf-critics@yahoogroups.com, Peter Staudenmaier <pstaud@...> wrote: > > [T]here is absolutely nothing wrong with being wrong. I think this is an extremely important point. There is no shame in making mistakes. We all make them. And I'll propose a corollary: The way to handle being wrong is not to put up a stout defense — it is to change your mind. That's what truth-seeking is all about. I'd offer this gross generalization: Followers of religious faiths resist changing their minds, often adamantly. They have faith. With the best of intentions, they believe — or hope to believe — that their faiths are True. I'd also say, as a gross generalization, that scientists and serious researchers in all academic disciplines are prepared to change their minds. They do their research, offer a conclusion, defend it — and, if it is swatted down, they hitch up their britches and move on. Of course, there are many exceptions to these generalizations. No one enjoys being wrong; all people (talk about gross generalizations!) get emotionally wrapped up in their ideas and hate to let them go. Brilliant scientists are not immune to this attitude. But serious researchers realize that admitting error is crucially important, and they are prepared (however much it hurts) to do it when they must. The distinguishing characteristic of real research — seen in emotional, human terms — is that each researcher wants to be right, but each researcher would also love to see the basic concepts of her/his discipline overturned. Specifically, each researcher would like to do the overturning. There are thousands of biologists out there today, for example, who essentially accept Darwin's account of evolution, but who would love to prove it wrong. Each Professor Smith would love to show that Darwinism must be abandoned and Smithism must be accepted instead. That way lies fame, glory, and probably tenure. Very few followers of religions share this attitude. Few Christians want to see Christ's teachings overturned; few Buddhists want to see Buddha's shot out of the water; few Muslims... The great appeal of Anthroposophy is that it claims to span the divide between religion and science. Steiner said that his teachings delineate "spiritual science," that is, the investigation of spiritual realities using strictly scientific means. Sounds terrific. But Anthroposophy hinges on clairvoyance, which does not exist. It requires the development of incorporeal "organs of clairvoyance" (chakras, lotus flowers), which cannot be developed. [1] So Anthroposophists are thrown back on belief, perhaps with an admixture of self-deception (if they convince themselves that they are clairvoyant). They are, in the end, adherents of a religion, which helps explain the fervor with which they defend the doctrines (or "scientific findings") of their faith (their mischaracterized "science"). Now, of course, I could be wrong. I hope not; admitting it would be hard. But perhaps I am wrong, in which case I will (I promise) change my mind. I've been wrong a few times in my life, so I know what it feels like. (I'm joking, of course. I'm never wrong. Or, no, wait. I'll take that back. By a conservative estimate, I make about twenty-umpteen dozen mistakes every day. Give or take.) Just yesterday, I suspected that I had made a mistake in one of my essays, and I proceeded to do what I always do. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I reread the essay, then reopened several volumes of Steiner's lectures to check myself; and I went online to do new research. As it happens, yesterday I learned that I had been right (see?!?). But, on many other occasions, I have learned that I was wrong, and I have made the necessary corrections. Let's stay with me as an excellent example (one of my favorites, anyway): For the first many years after I graduated from a Waldorf school, I held onto many of the attitudes and beliefs instilled in me there, and I tried to convince myself that they were true. I read Thoreau, Emerson, Eiseley, Gardner, even Steiner (a little); I prayed and meditated; I kept an eye out for UFOs; I argued for the existence of spirits, and unseen imminences, and Nessie. In short, I was a flake. But I was also divided in my own soul. I wanted to believe this stuff, but I also had my doubts, and I knew that Waldorf had been a bad trip in some ways. So I kept wrestling with myself and all the authors and information I confronted. For a long while, I thought I was still a Christian; then, for a while, I thought I was a Buddhist (in a very informal, private way), or maybe a Hindu (in an extremely informal, unreal way), or... To cut this shorter: Eventually I changed my mind. I became convinced that I had been wrong, and I became what Steiner derided as an "abstract," "materialist," "intellectual," "so-called educated" adult. What a touching story. My only real point is that I changed my mind. And I continue to change my mind, often. If I confront undeniable evidence that Steiner was right and I am wrong, I will change my mind again. But the more I study Steiner, the less likely this seems. All of science (real science, real knowledge) and most of logic indicates that Steiner was wrong. Where's the evidence that he was right? Please produce it. An Anthroposophist, Frank Thomas Smith, recently challenged historian Peter Staudenmaier to disprove the supernatural (as if Staudenmaier has any interest in doing so). But this has things back-to-front. Staudenmaier is under no obligation to disprove the existence of, let us say, the god Thor. Rather, all believers in the god Thor have an obligation to substantiate their belief in that supersensible being — or they have this obligation if they want any of us to take them seriously. If they don't care what anyone else thinks, if they just want to embrace their belief, fine, they have that right. But they shouldn't be surprised if the rest of us find their belief a tad zany. Steiner believed in goblins, auras, a fortress on the Moon, dragons, ghosts, horoscopes, populations on various planets, Zeitgeists, racial souls, guardian angels, Old Saturn, Vulcan, floating continents, non-orbital planets, Christian Rosenkreutz, Buddha's mission to Mars, Ahriman, black magicians, and one or two million other occult phenomena. This is all extremely interesting. But, please, help us out. Where is the evidence? Change our minds. Teach us. (Please don't say that these things cannot be proven — if that is so, then you should not believe in them any more than I do. And please don't say that they can be proven only by the use of nonexistent faculties, such as clairvoyance. I don't have them, and — unless I miss my guess — neither do you. And please don't tell me that I can understand only if I start from an attitude of devotion. This is tautological: To learn to believe, I must first believe. Steiner used this tautology, but he shouldn't have, and neither should any of us. [2] Illogic is illogic, and "spiritual science" cannot rely on it if it is, in fact, a science.) Anyway, in sum, to wrap this up: There is nothing wrong with being wrong. But the next stage is to change one's mind and try harder to be right. Or something like that. [2] Steiner says that seekers must
Steiner says this attitude begins, for fortunate people, in childhood. It then extends into the adult years:
This amounts to an admonition to check your brain at the door. Don't think; feel, from the heart; be like unto a child. Perhaps this is the proper attitude for matters of the spirit, but it is certainly not a scientific attitude. It is a religious injunction, not a scientific procedure. Science requires critical thinking, and it requires us to not be misled by our hearts. This is real scientific respect for "truth and knowledge." What Steiner describes is something very different. Your feelings are important to you, subjectively; but they have no bearing on objective fact. The crux is this: If you must start by foreswearing critical thought and by feeling veneration, then you cannot know whether whether the object of your veneration is "due" such veneration. You have posited it, you have let it flow out of your heart without allowing your brain to interfere. Instead of respecting knowledge, in other words, you have forsworn knowledge; instead of attaining truth, you have made the attainment impossible. Thus, you may venerate an object that merits veneration, or you may venerate something that does not deserve it. Indeed, you may very easily persuade yourself that the things you want to venerate exist (when they may not; they may be imaginary), and you may persuade yourself that these things are divine (when they may not be; they may simply be subjective objects of your desire). In fact, what Steiner has described is indistinguishable from self-deception. — Roger Rawlings ![]() ![]() This is one of my old headmaster's many publications [Anthroposophic Press, 1996]. The original edition was published in 1975, under a different title, by The Waldorf Press — an operation set up by our school. The lovely cover painting is by John Gardner's daughter, Elizabeth Lombardi, who taught art at our school. I was one of her less-promising pupils. The painting is a good example of Anthroposophical art. ![]() ![]() Painting by a Waldorf student [courtesy of People for Legal and Nonsectarian Schools]. ![]() ![]() [Kessinger, 2003.] This volume certainly does not contain all of Steiner's mystical writings, but it may serve as a primer. Virtually everything Steiner wrote after 1902 — when he startled his friends, students, and wife by suddenly proclaiming himself an occultist — was mystical. ![]() ![]() Steiner described a universe of love — which is, of course, an extremely attractive vision. Waldorf schools try to shepherd students toward that universe — which is, of course, a lovely intention. But imagining that the stars are embodiments of love is unavailing if there is no factual basis for the proposition. If Steiner peddled fantasies, no one should pay him much mind. Waldorf schools are far too immersed in well-meaning fantasies. Children need realistic guidance — only this can move them toward real growth and betterment.
Steiner's statement is beautiful, in a way. But it is detached from reality: There is no "astral cosmos" or "etheric cosmos." We live in the real cosmos — this is where we must find the wisdom to create real love. ![]() ![]() Another requirement, if we are to give real guidance to children, is that we must have a realistic understanding of children. Waldorf schools accept Steiner's extremely unrealistic views. Steiner taught that human beings have four bodies, three of which are invisible; we have twelve senses; we have both souls and spirits; we are reincarnated; we find truth not with our brains but with "organs of clairvoyance;" our hearts do not pump blood; we are subject to astrological forces; and so on. No truly constructive educational program can be built on fantasies. [R.R. sketch, 2009, based on image on p. 60 of FROM LIMESTONE TO LUCIFER (Rudolf Steiner Press, 1999) — a collection of lectures by Rudolf Steiner.] ![]() ![]() Waldorf schools invite you to climb the steps into Steiner's fantasy universe. I climbed some of those steps, once. But then, somehow, I stopped, and I walked back down to reality. [This is the entry to the eurythmy training center on the campus of the Anthroposophical headquarters, the Goetheanum. R. R. sketch, 2010.] ![]() ADDENDUM Leaving a Waldorf school can be traumatic. Young children are separated from their playmates; parents lose contact with former friends; families depart from a community in which they may have invested much energy and many hopes. One of the hardest parts of leaving is that people you knew and liked may turn their backs on you and your child — they may treat you as turncoats, traitors. They may shun you for rejecting the faith, Anthroposophy, that they consider the one true path. If you leave that path, you are seen as a renegade, a stranger, perhaps an enemy. The difficulties of leaving a Waldorf school may be greatest for teachers in the school. If they bought deeply into the Waldorf worldview — as so many of them do — leaving may mean upending their lives completely. Late in June, 2009, a former Waldorf school teacher with whom I'd had some debates posted a message on the Internet, saying he'd left a Waldorf school in part because he felt betrayed by his Waldorf colleagues. While working at the school, he had felt the need to separate himself at least slightly from the tight bonds of the Waldorf community. But as he set about creating a life for himself outside the school, some of his fellow teachers turned on him. Eventually, in the face of this hostility, he decided he needed to leave Waldorf altogether. He added that since that time, he had lived largely as a loner, fending off the possibility of additional betrayals. I posted this reply (edited slightly for use here):
x ![]() Another former Waldorf student also posted a reply:
![]() ![]() ![]() Life can be hard, disappointing, painful. People often respond by turning to fantasy worlds — and often they convince themselves that such worlds are real. But they aren't. The only truth, reality, and beauty that really exist, exist here, in the real world. [R. R. photos, 2001 and 1997.] ![]() ![]() [R.R., 2009.] ![]() On Defending Myself Because I have written about myself, I have made myself fair game. And, naturally, people who hate the conclusions I have drawn about Waldorf schools and Anthroposophy — that is, people who embrace what I denounce — now direct verbal fire at me. I’m told that they frequently tell each other, and the world at large, about my real or alleged faults. Fair enough. But there is a limit to the value of talking about me. I am not important. I’m just a guy who has tried to learn and tell the truth. Soon after I began publishing my research into Waldorf education and Anthroposophy, I decided to put up no defenses. I do not answer the attacks made against me, and I do not pretend that I am anything but what I am. I press ahead on good days and bad, when the work comes easily and when it is a struggle, when I'm at the top of my form and when I drag along. (One small claim I’ll make on my own behalf: When I realize that I have made an error, I circle back ASAP and correct it. All the major sections of Waldorf Watch has been reviewed multiple times by multiple readers. I'm confident you can rely on what you find here.) You can reach your own conclusions about me. I’d just ask this: Please realize that I am not the issue. My strengths and weaknesses are, at most, peripheral to the real issue that should concern us. That issue is the nature of Waldorf schools. That’s what I’ve tried to focus on, and it is what I suggest we all should focus on. We all seek the truth, after all — we are all on similar journeys. I have chronicled my own journey, and I have chosen not to contest the judgments others make about me. My work will stand or fall on its own merits, and that's how it should be. To the very best of my ability, I have told the truth about Waldorf schools, Anthroposophy, and Rudolf Steiner. I have even — not that it’s important — told the truth about myself. Whether you find value in anything I have written is, of course, up to you. ![]() ![]() To visit other pages in this section of Waldorf Watch, use the underlined links, below. ◊◊◊ 14. PULLING IT ALL TOGETHER ◊◊◊
TRUTHMystical thinking, realistic thinking OUT IN THE OPEN
MOMSTalking it overPOPS EXTREMITYCrossing many lines THE WALDORF SCANDALDescribing the near-collapse of the Waldorf school I attended Short and sweet The formatting at Waldorf Watch aims for visual variety, seeking to ease the process of reading lengthy texts on a computer screen. ◊ Some illustrations on the various pages here at Waldorf Watch are closely connected to the contents of those pages; others are not — they provide general context. ◊ I often generalize about Waldorf schools. There are fundamental similarities among Waldorf schools; I describe the schools based on the evidence concerning their structure and operations in the past and — more importantly — in the present. But not all Waldorf schools, Waldorf charter schools, and Waldorf-inspired schools are wholly alike. To evaluate an individual school, you should carefully examine its stated purposes, its practices (which may or may not be consistent with its stated purposes), and the composition of its faculty. — R. R. ![]() [R.R., 2017.] |