Beloved fax machine dies at 5

posted May 11, 2011, 10:30 AM by JackOLanternPress   [ updated May 31, 2011, 9:21 AM ]

SUMMER HILLS, PD---Yesterday, the Cluet family's fax machine of five years died in its sleep. 

The family used the machine just one day prior to fax an important document to their insurance company. Afterward, they shut the machine down for the night, and the next day when they turned it on, it showed signs of illness, and then it was gone. 


Just before it was silenced forever, the machine said, “Vvvvvv-tch-vvvvvvv-tch-vvv” in a last ditch effort to survive, followed by what family members called a dreadful “blop.” 


Memorial services were held in the Cluet's backyard at the Cluet Memorial Trash Can yesterday evening. After Mr. Cluet's lovely eulogy, his 4-year-old son fired a two-water gun salute. 


“We’ve all had a chance to remember the good times we had with the fax machine, but we’ve had to move on,” Mrs. Cluet said in a statement issued late last night. “We bought a fax/scanner/printer/copier all-in-one machine, and life is good again.”

Four cordless phones nowhere to be found

posted May 9, 2011, 11:34 AM by JackOLanternPress   [ updated May 12, 2011, 4:10 PM ]

DUST VALLEY, PD---A man's wife misplaced all four of their cordless phones sometime yesterday afternoon. While the man searched for the phones, she called from work and asked if he could find her camera for an event she wanted to photograph that evening. 

“It’s in the office,” the man's wife said. 

The man reported that the camera was not in the office. 

“It’s in the laundry room,” she said. 

It reportedly wasn’t there either. 

At the time, the man was speaking to his wife on the only phone he could find, which was plugged into the wall, and so each time he checked a spot for the camera, he had to set the phone down and search, then come back. Sources said the man looked like he was playing Red Rover by himself, going back and forth. 

Later that day, the man's wife discovered this story to be fiction, and a poor attempt on her husband's part to encourage her to be more careful about where she places things like her camera and their cordless phones. Studies show that a husband trying to encourage his wife to change her habits would have more luck making it out of Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza alive wearing a suit made of prize tickets.

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