posted May 31, 2011, 9:11 AM by JackOLanternPress   [ updated May 31, 2011, 9:23 AM ]

Jamesy is in his mid-30s. He's still on the hunt for the perfect girl. (Not that that's a bad thing.)

Today, Jamesy told his friend Peyton that he finally found "The One." Jamesy told Peyton that he spoke to the girl, too. He said "Hello." And he and this girl actually had a conversation.

Jamesy found the courage to ask this girl for her phone number. The girl actually gave it to him. And they even set a date together on Friday night.

Jamesy told Peyton that he thinks he's in love.

"Only problem is," Jamesy said, "this girl's 12 years old."

Yikes, Jamesy!


posted May 31, 2011, 8:57 AM by JackOLanternPress   [ updated Mar 10, 2013, 11:16 PM ]

She's 19 or 20. Maybe 21, though possibly 18. 

She wears designer jeans -- expensive designer jeans. She drives a Lexus -- the expensive Lexus. Her hair and make-up probably takes someone at least two hours to complete. Maybe three, though possibly eight.

She told the older gentleman sitting next to her on the flight while thumbing through the latest issue of some entertainment news mag, "When I become famous . . ."

The guy on the flight waited for her to finish saying what she was saying. Then:

"Are you an actress?" he asked, taking a hint from the glamourous actors and actresses he saw within the pages of the girl's entertainment periodical.

"No," she answered.

"Athlete?" he asked.

"No," she answered.

"Los Angeles weather forecaster?"

"No," she said. "Nothing like that."

"Then what?" he asked.

"I'm gonna be a nurse."



posted May 11, 2011, 10:04 AM by JackOLanternPress   [ updated Mar 9, 2013, 11:29 PM ]

From the notebooks of Peter Ritti, the following excerpt is from observations Ritti made of people in the places he visits:

"Come on out and bite, you faggots." 

The Gay Fisherman actually said this to the fish in the lake when he dropped his line in the water.

At the bait shack earlier this morning, the Gay Fisherman saw that Norm, the old man who normally helps him, was busy with another customer. A Kid Employee came to assist the Gay Fisherman. 

Now, the Gay Fisherman is not overtly gay. In other words, he's not flaming, as one would have it. Gay hides his sexuality quite well. But he couldn't help but admire the Kid Employee's uncanny good looks, his pleasant way, his charm. The Gay Fisherman took it all in. Wow, this kid was just his type. You could tell the way he stared and stared. When the Kid Employee asked how he could assist the Gay Fisherman, Gay said, "I don't talk to the help."

Then he got in line for Norm.

DOME THINGS: Sink and Brush speak out

posted Nov 23, 2010, 12:34 AM by JackOLanternPress   [ updated Mar 9, 2013, 11:25 PM ]

The lights go out in the bathroom. 

Bathroom Sink waits a few beats before asking Toothbrush, "So, how's it going, Toothbrush?"

"Good," Toothbrush says. "How about you, Sink?"

"Good," Sink answers back.

"Are you just saying that, or are things actually good?" asks Toothbrush.

"No, things are good. Why, Sink, are things not actually good with you?"

"No," Sink says. "Things are good."

Sink and Toothbrush share a moment of silence, then:

"To tell you the truth," Sink says, "I'm kinda gettin' a little ticked with these humans leaving toothpaste all over my handles, all over my basin and all over my counter tops."

"How do you think I feel?" Toothbrush says. "They don't clean the paste or the food particles off me after they're done brushing."

"I wish there was something we could do," Sink says. 

Sink scratches his faucet, thinks, then: "Hey, what if we rebel . . . Break so they can't use us?"

"That's easy for you to say," Toothbrush says. "If I break, they'll just throw me out and get a new toothbrush. The local Ultra Mega Super Box store carries like 50 of me for just $3.99. No thank you."

"That's true," Sink says. "I guess I'd be more difficult to replace with my high price and needing to turn off the water and disconnect all the water lines and such." 

Sink thinks.

Toothbrush says, "Hey, what if we make ourselves really dirty and really stinky? Then they'd have to clean us."

"That's easy for you to say," Sink says. "If I get really dirty and really stinky, they'll use that nasty foamy liquid drain stuff that makes me break out. And I'm not sure I care for that bleach smell either. Try getting a date when you reek of Clorox."

"That's true," Toothbrush says. "I guess I'd just get rinsed off with water, maybe get dunked into that green minty fluid."

"Maybe. But you might get replaced, too," Sink says. "After all, 50 of you guys only cost $3.99 at Ultra Mega Super Box."

Toothbrush and Sink think.

"Well, this sucks," Toothbrush says.

"Yeah," says Sink. "I'm sick of all this damn toothpaste all over me."

"Me, too," says Toothbrush.

Toilet Bowl wakes, joins the conversation. "Hey guys, how's it going?"

Sink and Toothbrush turn their attention to Toilet Bowl, look him up and down. Then they respond honestly.

"We're good," they finally say to Toilet Bowl. "To tell you the honest truth, we're actually really good."

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