Ain't That a Kick?

posted Mar 13, 2014, 10:27 AM by JackOLanternPress   [ updated Mar 13, 2014, 10:27 AM ]

My 10-year-old son got kicked in the shin yesterday. He was very excited. His friend said you know a girl likes you if she kicks you. The friend was kicked by a girl a couple days earlier. So when my son's crush kicked him yesterday, he said, "I'm in love." Moments later, the same girl kicked some other kid in the nuts. My son was jealous. And outraged. "That two-timer!" he shouted.

Lousy Mai Tai

posted May 17, 2013, 11:07 AM by JackOLanternPress   [ updated May 18, 2013, 10:32 AM ]

They met at an old dive bar -- one of those tiki joints that were popping up all over America during the 50s and 60s. The place was perfect for the low lifes, wise crackers and hard-luck losers that these guys were. They met here to scheme. And drink lousy Mai Tais. No sense in the Mai Tais being any good. Johnny slumped into the place late in the evening to meet these guys about a job. Boy, had this mug had it bad. He dropped all he had on the counter for one of those lousy Mai Tais. Things'll be different after this job, Johnny thought. This job would get him out from under. Who's that dame at the other end of the bar? Johnny wondered. Soon Johnny'd be able to afford a dame like that. That kinda dame don't even give a guy like Johnny a brush off. She'd have to acknowledge him to be able to do that. But that'd all change. After this job. Johnny plodded over to the other end of the bar. Said hello to the dame, picked up her drink. In the end, the copy writing job those guys had for Johnny wasn't even gonna pay his tab. The dame knew that. Johnny finished his Mai Tai alone. Maybe, Johnny realized, writing just doesn't pay.

Christmas?

posted Dec 10, 2012, 12:21 PM by JackOLanternPress   [ updated Dec 10, 2012, 12:22 PM ]

December 10th? I'm not even ready for Halloween yet. I only found out yesterday that Thanksgiving has passed.

Grandpa's Dead

posted Dec 10, 2012, 12:17 PM by JackOLanternPress

Grandpa found a bargain on 3 Musketeers candy -- his favorite sweet. So he bought a couple boxes. My wife said, “Grandpa’s in Heaven.” My son asked, “When did he die?”

End of the World!

posted Dec 3, 2012, 1:04 PM by JackOLanternPress

It's already upon us -- Dec. 21, 2012, the end of the world! Boy, life really was short. I just added "the end of the world" to my calendar. Don't wanna miss it. Though, I wasn't sure if I should categorize it as "personal" or "home" or "work" since the end of the world really applies to all categories. I set it as an ALL DAY event. I'd like to miss work that day to be with my family for the end of the world. This just in: I have no more sick leave or vacation days left. Such is life. 

Scare Mommy

posted May 31, 2012, 1:26 PM by JackOLanternPress

I took my family through a haunted house. I didn’t think it’d be too scary. My wife and kid were so frightened they were actually in pain. When we got out, my son said to me, “I don’t ever wanna do that again! But when we get home, let’s scare Mommy.”

No Touching

posted May 31, 2012, 1:24 PM by JackOLanternPress

At the store, my boy knows not to touch anything. “That statue seems cool,” he said. “Daddy, can you touch it and tell me what it’s like?”

Turkey TV

posted May 31, 2012, 1:22 PM by JackOLanternPress

Nothing brings in the holiday season like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. I’ve never been to the parade in person, but I watch it on TV every year. “You don’t watch it every year,” my wife said when I told someone I did. “Yes I do,” I replied. My wife said, “You only watch about five minutes of it and then you leave the room.” Maybe my wife’s right (don’t tell her I said that). But I would watch the whole parade if there wasn’t so much singing and dancing. And so many marching bands. And all that nonsensical banter from the commentators. And then there are all those commercials. And it’s such a long parade. And everything moves so slowly. I like the balloons. 

Turkey Time

posted May 31, 2012, 1:21 PM by JackOLanternPress

You know it’s Thanksgiving time when the air gets cold, the wind blows and the leaves color the ground yellow and orange. In the fall, it’s great fun to jump and roll around in the big piles of leaves. So I went to Walmart and, believe it or not, they didn’t have leaves for sale.

Race to Get Dressed

posted May 31, 2012, 1:20 PM by JackOLanternPress

Getting a 6-year-old dressed in a hurry can be a challenge. Mine often gets distracted and can turn the task into an all-day event. To avoid being late to a particular engagement, I made the chore of getting dressed into a game. “Whoever gets dressed first wins,” I said. And then came the rules: “Okay, Daddy, if I get dressed first, then I’ll run into your room. If you get dressed first, then you run into my room. If I run into your room, I win. If you run into my room, you win. If we both win, we’ll crash into each other in the hallway . . . ” After his 15-minute breakdown of the rules, and after a few “pauses” in the game so I could help him turn his socks inside out and tie his shoes, we successfully became late. 

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