About 400,000 years ago there existed an all-knowing caveman named Al Gorack. One night
God came to Al Gorack in his sleep and said, "Al, carbon dioxide levels are too high. They are making
the Earth too hot and causing the sea level to rise." Then God showed Al Gorack a chart that he had
obtained from 400,000 years into the future that displayed data from ice cores drilled at the Russian
Vostok Station in Antarctica.
 Al Gorack felt responsible to some extent for the global warming since he had invented fire just a
few millennia earlier. People lived for a very long time in Al Gorack's day. Then God told Al Gorack
that the main cause of the global warming was that some cavemen were driving gas-guzzling SUVs.
Al Gorack felt responsible for this as well since he had invented the wheel shortly after inventing fire.
Al Gorack promised God that he would end global warming. So it came to pass that Al Gorack
gathered together all the hippie Marxists and his liberal Democrat friends and smote the evil Republican
cavemen driving their SUVs. "Smote" is Bible-talk for slaughtered. But even after All Gorack and the
hippie Marxists and his liberal Democrat friends had killed off all the Republican SUV drivers, the Earth
continued to grow hotter.
God came to Al Gorack again and chewed him out, saying, "You have failed me, Al Gorack. I am
going to take away your mansion, your private jet, all your Google stock and all the carbon credits that
you have purchased in expectation of making a profit."
Al Gorack pleaded with God not to lower his standard of living to that of the unwashed masses that
he had under his control. Then Al Gorack remembered an idea that he got from the science czar of the
president. People exhaled carbon dioxide. If the number of human beings could be reduced, then the
Earth would be saved. Al Gorack explained his plan to God, and God relented, only taking away ten
percent of Al Gorack's Google stock.
Then Al Gorack sent out the hippie Marxists and his liberal Democrat friends to smote everyone
they could lay their hands on. After about 75,000 years of this toil, the Earth had cooled to the point
where the areas around New York and Chicago were buried under a one-mile-thick sheet of ice and sea
levels had dropped by 400 feet.
God came to Al Gorack again and said, "You dumb ass, you have created an ice age!" Al Gorack
hung his head and admitted that what God had said was true. Then Al Gorack promised to reverse the
damage that he had done. God said he would give Al Gorack another chance, taking away an additional
ten percent of Al Gorack's Google stock.
Al Gorack invented Viagra and the population of the earth began to recover. Soon carbon dioxide
levels increased and the Earth began to warm. The ice sheets retreated and sea levels rose by 400 feet.
After about 10,000 years of this interglacial warming, God came to Al Gorack again, saying that the
Earth was too hot and the sea levels too high. Al Gorack promised to remedy the situation by employing
his minions and the methods he had used in the past.
Over the next 300,000 years Al Gorack smote his way through three more cycles of global warming
and ice ages, but the Republican caveman SUV drivers continued to reappear and the population to
recover from being smote.
God came to Al Gorack again and said, "This time, you dumb ass, you had better get it right. The
Earth is still too hot and the sea levels are too high." Al Gorack promised God that this time he would
succeed because he had a Democrat majority and he had brainwashed almost all the people into believing
what he said.
Copyright © 2009 by Paul Roebling The television program South Park recently did a "takeoff" on Al Gore. In that episode Al Gore is portrayed as a nut case warning people about an imaginary "manbearpig" creature. Some stills from that show are shown below. To watch this episode spoofing Al Gore and the global warming hoax go to:  Copyright © 2011 by South Park Studios
 Copyright © 2011 by South Park Studios |
Home >
