Belgian Waffles

by Francis Deblauwe

March 12, 2003

Citizens, I beseech you! Due to the unfortunate disagreement between your and my governments regarding Saddam Hussein Murder Inc., my native country's reputation is on the line. Yes, I admit it: I am a native of the smallest member of what some of the greatest minds in this country call the "Axis of Weasel,". a.k.a. France, Russia, Germany & Belgium. But let me give you some concrete examples of the unfortunate turn of events that pains me so. Consumption of Belgian waffles is at risk, potentially dooming breakfast to the drudgery of chasing cereal flakes in your milk. Of course, real Belgian waffles' dough is prepared with yeast so that the waffle bits enter your mouth fluffy and light. They are eaten as a dessert, with powdered sugar, whipped cream or strawberries. Imagine when, years ago as a graduate student freshly arrived in this country, I first ordered Belgian waffles in a deli and had them served with bacon and lettuce. I pity the Belgian waiter brave enough to serve American waffles in a Belgian restaurant. Now that would not be a pretty sight, a Belgian housewife not being able to enjoy her afternoon coffee with a luscious waffle. Furthermore, restaurant owners have already started to pour French wines down the drain, the potent Belgian trappist ales could be next. Swedish-bikini-clad-skiing-team-hating monks that brew beer according to natural medieval recipes---if that does not represent all that is un-American, what does!?

Belgian chocolates too could be languishing on the delicatessen shelves of upscale food establishments and supermarkets alike. Actually, this I may be able to understand as the ones sold here are usually mere bland knockoffs of the originals. In every town in Belgium, "pralines" .are made fresh daily, with cream, hazelnut paste and other yummy fillings, often spiked with a little liquor. For obvious reasons, they do not keep well. All the more reason to enjoy them right away, straight from the by-the-pound box! I cannot wait till my relatives cross the ocean for another visit, bearing golden brown gifts... Luckily, most Americans have no idea that the place name in "Brussels sprouts". stands for the capital of Belgium. Blessed be the US education system's ineptitude in matters geographical, for those delicate little mini cabbages have had to endure more than their fair share of rabid foes through the years. Otherwise, this might very well have ended their modest career in the Great Land of Opportunity.

After the health craze, fries may very well be taking another hit. "Wait a second,". you say, "fries aren't Belgian, they're French!." Wrong, they are Belgian; returning soldiers introduced them after World War I---"Flanders fields where poppies grow." and all that---but the marketing boys thought that "French fries". sounded much more appetizing. The rest is history. However as France is also being ostracized, our savory fries are being victimized too. Last Tuesday, the great French-American statesman Rep. Bob Ney ordered the cafeterias of the US House of Representatives to rename them "freedom fries,". adding insult to injury. Actually, the French embassy, when asked for a reaction by the media, did have the clarity of mind to point out their Belgian origin. No word on whether there will be "freedom waffles". on the menu soon. Not that this will stop the Members of the House to concentrate their efforts on what is most important and urgent for the country right now. By the way, do you know the secret of preparing Belgian fries? You fry them lightly, take them out of the grease and let them cool down; only just before serving do you fry them a second time, producing a crisp, delicious coat.

There are even rumors that the American Kennel Club is considering deregistering our famous Belgian Malinois, Belgian Sheepdog and Belgian Tervuren breeds! Hardworking herding dogs they may be, they are supposed to be loyal to a fault; when they are not, you put them down. The Brussels griffins would be spared as they are too smart: they are so ugly that they are cute and they chose the city not the country for their breed name. The Schipperke also goes under the Rumsfeld radar screen as it has a Dutch macho name: little skipper. Little does the average American know that most Belgians speak Dutch rather than the minority French. Come to think of it, maybe it is better this way: Belgium as the little, barely known entity, easily forgotten, never a military target---except for Celtic, Roman, Frankish, Viking, English, French, Spanish, Austrian, Dutch and German armies and that is only counting the invaders. Truth is, Belgium, only the size of Maryland but with a population of over 10 million, created in the mid-19th century by the European powers as a bufferstate between France and Germany, can ill afford the luxury to ignore the world. It has been the battlefield of Europe for a reason (Waterloo, Ypres, Battle of the Bulge, etc.). The federal kingdom of Belgium is in itself a microcosm of Europe, with its Dutch-speaking Flemish state, French-speaking Walloon state and bilingual Brussels capital district, with a small German-speaking region and a considerable Turkish and Moroccan immigrant population in the big cities thrown in for good measure. We have had and still on occasion have communal strife and grievances but they have never escalated into civil war or violent conflict. The coin called "compromise". has two sides: not getting everything you want as well as not getting totally ignored. One thing we Belgians do not tend to disagree on is that wars seldom solve anything. After much is destroyed and many people are killed and maimed, you still have to sit down and reach an honorable compromise lest you wish to start all over again in the not so far-off future.